Page 65 of Working Out West

A hand squeezed mine, and I looked down. I still held Adrik’s from when I took it from my eyes. Heat hit my cheeks, and I quickly let go. His hand turned over and rested on my thigh. My heart took notice and increased its speed. I gripped the back of the chair in my hands since I sat on it backward, ensuring my back didn’t rest against anything.

Adrik had been clear he was interested in me. Only his attention rattled my nerves. A lot.

What I wanted for him was not me. He could do so much better than a scarred college dropout who had many issues that needed to be worked through. Yet, I couldn’t bring myself to set him up with someone, to shove him in the arms of someone else. I was being selfish and keeping him close because he was my calm.

I had been to see a psychiatrist a couple of times in the last ten days, and my friends were right—it was good to talk to someone. I had a feeling the sessions could help, but it was too soon to tell. I still held so much anger and fear inside me. However, ever since my breakdown in the shower, I hadn’t lashed out at anyone.

My anger wasn’t meant for them but for the people who raised me. The people who did this to me. But they were dead. Without being told, I knew what the men around me would have done. They would have taken care of the threat. In one way, I was grateful; in another, I wanted those who’d hurt me so badly to rot a long life in jail, but now they couldn’t.

There was still so much to work through. Like my friends, and even my psychiatrist, had said, it would take time.

Some days I couldn’t help the despair creeping in. It ate at me in many ways, but most of all, it told me I wasn’t good enough for the people around me.

I was filth.

Dirty.

Horrible.

“Moya lyubov’?” was whispered beside me.

My heart skipped a beat, and I blinked out of my daze. I glanced at Adrik. His smirk had my pulse racing. It was like he knew my mind had drifted into that dark place, and he was there to drag me out. Either with sweet words or a touch.

I offered him a small, grateful smile and nodded. I ignored my nerves enough to place my hand over his to hold on to.

“I’m okay,” I told him quietly as the others bantered around us.

“I know this.”

My smile grew. Of course Adrik knew. The man was confident he would bring me out from the darkness. I liked that about him. I liked a lot of things about him.

I quickly looked down at the table when my eyes got watery.

Adrik was my rock. My strength.

He was my knight in shining armor.

He was a light in my darkness.

It was impossible not to fall for him. Even though it had only been a short amount of time, my feelings for Adrik were strong.

It scared me. I feared he would see I wasn’t worth it, but that was my own insecurity. I was blessed Adrik saw something in me I couldn’t yet find myself.

Sniffing, I discreetly wiped my eyes on my shoulders. My back twinged from the move and brought a grimace to my face. Clearing my throat, I picked up my one and only beer. “Here’s to Lucas and how he’s going to kick ass in the exams.”

Lucas’s eyes shone over at me. His smile wobbled a little. He wished I was taking the exams with him. But as I’d explained to him, I wasn’t in the right frame of mind, and I wasn’t sure I ever would be. I wouldn’t give up my dream of becoming someone who would help people, but I needed time to think about what I really wanted.

Death had said he was ready when I was to take me on in the security office where I would have a job watching surveillance cameras. It paid as well as Polished did. I hadn’t told Adrik as yet. It was only a couple of days ago that Death mentioned the job when he wasn’t around. But really, anyone could guess I would never go back to Polished, even when I’d healed, because of my scars.

I wasn’t at the stage where I was supposed to be proud to wear them because it apparently showed how strong I was. To me, they were ugly and reminded me of a night I wanted to erase from my head. It reminded me of parents who tortured their son because they believed he sinned.

I couldn’t wait for the day those marks on my skin wouldn’t disgust me, anger me, upset me. Until then, I just had to keep going. Even at my darkest times when I thought about ending my life, I knew I wouldn’t, because… well, I wanted to live.

I wanted to love.

That special kind of love that Lucas and Kylo had.

That special kind of love where only one person was made for you.

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