Page 45 of Swan

Blowing out a breath, I tugged on the ends of my hair. “What are you doing around here?”

Drake tipped his chin off to the side. “Workin’ at Coyote’s.” His brother’s Harley-Davidson store was down the road. Maybe he was getting lunch or something. Whatever. Drake glanced behind him. “You been at an appointment?”

“Yeah. But I better go.”

“Swan….”

Here it came.

You’ll be okay.

Sorry you’re so sad.

If there’s anything I can do.

There was nothing anyone could do.

I just wanted to be left alone.

Drake surprised me by only saying, “Catch ya,” before he walked away. I watched him cross the street and head down towards the store.

His family had been nothing but supportive. They dropped by all the time to check on me or distract me with food, movies, or news.

But I felt like I was just on the outside looking in on it all.

Like I wasn’t really in the room with them.

I was awake but asleep on the inside.

I smiled or laughed or said what I needed to, but they didn’t buy my attempts at trying to make them worry about me less.

They still worried.

Even Mum, Dad, and Nicky were concerned.

I just wanted to feel like myself again. Without the heartache and guilt drowning me. But whenever I wished for that, guilt threatened to overwhelm me.

I hated they worried for me. I didn’t like seeing them upset.

But I couldn’t help how I felt. I wanted to lift my head above the water, but it still clogged my nose, eyes, throat, and heart.

It filled me from head to toe.

I wanted to call out to Drake to tell him I was sorry for being a bother.

And I went to but then closed my mouth.

Instead, I unlocked my car and got in, squeezing the steering wheel with my hands.

Stop thinking. Stop wallowing. Stop grieving. Stop feeling guilty.

But I couldn’t.

I deserved to feel the way I did. Lockland would still be here if I hadn’t gone to see him.

How did I go on living with the knowledge that I killed someone?

I clenched my teeth as other voices slipped through my mind: my psychologist’s, Mum’s, Dad’s, everyone’s.

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