Page 55 of Swan

Like I wasn’t complete.

I missed him.

The time we had together wasn’t long enough.

It wasn’t fair. Never would be. But I still had to learn how to deal with the injustice.

After another broken deep breath in, I grabbed my braid and pulled it over my shoulder to remove the elastic and undo my hair. I’d washed it last night, thankfully, or else I wouldn’t have had time or the energy this morning.

I had to get ready for work.

Had to go about my day with this emptiness inside me.

I needed to learn to live with the hollowness instead of letting it drag me under.

Moving off the bed, I stretched and swallowed thickly.

Another day knowing I would never see Lockland again.

And knowing I was a part of the reason why that happened.

No.

Move through the guilt.

Move through the pain.

Just keep moving.

I had to.

So, I got ready for work and went downstairs and into the kitchen for a coffee. Mum and Dad sat at the kitchen table. Dad was looking at something on his tablet, and Mum was reading off her phone.

“Morning,” I called.

They both smiled over at me.

“Hey, kid,” Dad said.

“Kettle just boiled.” Mum smiled softly.

“Thanks.” These days they were used to me moving around like a zombie. Like I’d been drained from lack of sleep. They used to come rushing into my room when they’d heard me screaming to try and help me after the nightmare.

But I’d asked them to stop.

There was no point, and I hated that their sleep was interrupted enough from hearing me.

I would get through this.

One day I’d wake with no nightmares and feel refreshed.

But maybe I deserved those nightmares, so I wasn’t exactly ready to give them up either.

I rubbed at my temples from all the mixed signals I gave myself. No wonder I was tired all the time. It wasn’t only from lack of sleep but from my thoughts too.

When I glanced at the clock in my office, I smiled, feeling somewhat lighter. I closed my eyes at the relaxing and warm sensations floating around in me.

It was reading time.

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