Page 76 of Swan

SWAN

“I don’t know what to do, Patricia,” I said, looking out the window. I couldn’t even look my psychologist in the eye when I told her it seemed my heart had already moved on.

But I refused to allow it.

I wouldn’t do that to Lockland.

He wasn’t easy to move on from.

He’d been my world.

“About what, Swan?”

I licked my dry lips as tears clouded my view and the guilt pushed forwards. “I’m attracted to someone, and I shouldn’t be.”

“Why shouldn’t you?”

I sniffed. “Lockland’s been gone only a year.”

“Yes. One year.”

“How can I want someone when he was my world?”

“That’s the key word, Swan.”

Brows pinched, I looked at her. “What?”

“You said he was your world.”

“I only used past tense because he died. It doesn’t make me love him less. He’ll always be my world.”

“I believe that, Swan. But who says you can’t love more than one man in your life? There are relationships out there that prove to be happy with more than one partner. Lockland wouldn’t want you to go on without loving another or without allowing someone to love you. There are no rules against you wanting someone, Swan. Wouldn’t Lockland want you to be happy?”

Tears fell as I yelled, “I shouldn’t be happy.” I tore my gaze from her and clenched my jaw, whimpering. When I calmed myself, I told her softly, “I shouldn’t get what I want when Lockland died for me. It’s my fault. How can I be happy when he doesn’t get the chance to be? It’s not fair.”

“Many things in life aren’t fair, Swan. Cancer isn’t fair. Starving countries aren’t fair. Losing a loved one isn’t fair. But don’t close yourself off from experiencing more in life because of fear.” When I said nothing, she went on with “What happened with Lockland wasn’t your fault, Swan.”

I choked over a sob that caught in my throat.

“It wasn’t your fault. It could have happened to anyone his mother didn’t approve of. I also believe if it were someone else, the same outcome would have occurred because Lockland would have tried to save them, too, right?”

I whimpered but nodded.

“The only people to blame are his mother, his agent, and the woman who pulled that trigger. One day, you may believe it, but if you don’t, just try not to let the guilt take over your life.”

“How do I do that?”

“Keep living. Keep going places and talking and enjoying. There’ll be hiccups, like what you dealt with in the shopping centre. But you got through it, and you will again. Now, why don’t you tell me about this person you’re attracted to.”

A blush rose. Patricia quirked a brow.

Blowing out a breath, I said, “I’d rather not. I… I still don’t like that I’m attracted to him.”

“Does it make you feel like you’re tarnishing Lockland’s love?”

“That’s exactly what I’m doing.”

“You’re not, though,” she said.

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