Page 53 of The Red Queen

The answer was she couldn’t tell Donada, and maybe never would. Some of her secrets would go to the grave with her, while others… others might be easier to talk about in time. But not yet. This new life was too precious. It could slip away if she said or did the wrong thing.

“I regret some of the things I’ve done. Others I didn’t have a choice and cannot regret.” Her mind flashed to Raina and Mateo, the revenge she’d tried to enact on behalf of a monster. That had been her choice, one she was coming to regret as she finally let the spectre of Nico go from her life.

She’d been so twisted by Nico’s hate that she hadn’t seen clearly. She’d gone with her programming, and it had nearly gotten her killed. She had been lucky to lose only a finger for her stupidity.

Now, with Giovanni and Donada, she was seeing the value in life.

“We all have regrets,bella,” Donada said softly, her hand tightening on Desi’s shoulder. “It’s what we do with those regrets that matter.”

“I can’t change the past,” Desi whispered.

“Maybe you can’t change the past, but youcanshape your future.”

“What does that mean?” Desi turned to look at her friend.

Donada sat on the bed again, pulling one booted leg up and leaning back on her hands. “Take your regrets and channel them into a future where you will no longer have regrets.”

Desi thought of something Nico had told her whenever she tried to buck his rule. Leopards can’t change their spots and she was one wily leopard. “What if I can’t change?”

Donada shook her head. “You don’t need to change, not really. You’re lovely the way you are. Perhaps what you need to do is start living for yourself instead of others. As far as I can tell, most of your life’s regrets stem from doing the bidding of another.”

Desi sat on her vanity chair and stared into space, thinking about what Donada was saying. She’d never thought about it that way before, but the other woman was correct. Desi had spent a lifetime trying to please others. Men, specifically. First, Nico. Now, Giovanni.

“How do I live for myself?” She was truly baffled.

“Well, what do you want from life? Maybe once you figure that out, you’ll know how to live.”

Desi thought about it, and she could come up with one answer. “I want to feel safe.”

Donada tried to hide the sadness from her expression, but Desi saw it.

“Don’t pity me,” she added coldly. “I’m not weak. I know how to fight, physically and mentally.”

“But you shouldn’t have to fight,” Donada said passionately, sitting up straight and shaking her head. “And I don’t pity you. Maybe I pity the child you once were, the one who grew up without her family, who was forced into a life she never would have chosen, but I don’t pity who you are now. You’re resilient, Desi, or you wouldn’t be here. What I’m saying is that you have experienced enough pain. Don’t cause yourself more because you think you can’t change enough to live for yourself.”

The conversation was exhausting, and Desi was beginning to feel suffocated by her dress. It was beautiful, but it represented a lifetime with Giovanni. With another man who would dictate her future. She didn’t know if she wanted that, but she didn’t know if she didn’t want it.

“I’m so confused,” she whispered.

“Life is confusing,bella.”

“That is not comforting,” Desi said with a glare. “Now stop acting like a talking fortune cookie and help me get this thing off. I want some of the delicious wine you brought, and I can’t risk staining the dress.”

Donada pushed herself off the bed again and helped Desi with the row of pearl buttons securing the back of the dress.

Desi took a deep breath as she stepped out of the pool of white fabric. She left the dress where it landed and beelined for the wine Donada was pouring. She gripped the stem of the glass and swallowed the entire thing in one go, coughing as she gasped for breath.

Donada raised an amused eyebrow and handed Desi a tissue, which she took to wipe the wine from her lips. “Is it the conversation or the wedding planning that has you agitated?”

“Both,” Desi gasped. “Another please.”

Donada poured another glass of wine, handing it to Desi while eyeing her critically. “You don’t know how to relax, do you?”

“Of course I do,” Desi argued. “I sleep for at least seven hours a night.”

“That’s not what I’m talking about, and you know it.” Donada strode to the French doors, opening them and stepping out onto the stone patio. She threw her arms wide and turned to look at Desi. “Stop the crazy merry-go-round and smell the grapes.”

Desi laughed and shook her head.

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