Page 94 of The Red Queen

He nodded. “You’re right, but this feeling,” he thumped his chest with their combined hands. “This pressing in my chest… it tells me I was wrong.” His eyes filled with tears, and he released her hand to turn away from her. “I can’t breathe. I just want to hold my son one more time, tell him I’m sorry, that I wish things could have been different.”

Desi crawled out from under the covers and wrapped herself over him, her chest to his back, the heat she’d generated while sleeping penetrating his shirt and warming him. She trapped him in her arms and hugged him hard, rocking him gently. The tears slipped from his eyes, sliding down his cheeks unchecked.

He hadn’t cried since he was a boy, not even when Antonia died. He’d subscribed to the tough guy persona, the outer shell becoming the inner shell until his feelings were all but lost. When he forced Desi into his life, he’d also forced the feelings back in.

Now he was grieving over his son, and it felt both terrible and beautiful. The burden of years of regret coming out.

“Tell me about him,” Desi whispered in his ear. “Not the bad stuff, but what he was like as a child, when things were simpler, easier.”

Giovanni gathered himself, controlling the emotion enough that he could talk. At first, he didn’t want to share, wanting to keep his son and those memories of Antonio to himself, but as he spoke, it was like a dam bursting free. Eventually, the words poured out and the terrible tension within him eased.

“Antonio was a spring baby, born on April 10th. It was a cold blustery day, and he came screaming into the world from the first moment he took breath.”

“Were you there for his birth?” she asked quietly.

He nodded. “Si, he was a red-faced, squalling creature, but it was the proudest moment of my life when I first held him. He suckled my finger, nearly pulling my ring off. Even at only a few hours old, he was amazing to me.”

And he was. Despite his failings, Antonio had been unstoppable. He’d been big, brash, strong, and handsome. A son to be proud of. If he hadn’t let the desire for riches and glory corrupt him, then maybe he could’ve become the heir Giovanni wanted.

He continued. “From the moment he was born, my son was always seeking attention. He was a performer, loved to capture an audience. When he was young, he would joke and play, make us all laugh. There was such light and laughter in this house.”

Desi’s arms tightened comfortingly around him. “I promise, there will be again. Our children will know nothing but joy and laughter.”

“Children?” Giovanni asked.

She nodded. “Si, many children.”

Giovanni twisted on the bed, reaching for her, and dragging her around and onto his lap. She curled up, tucking her legs into her nightgown, and clutching him tightly.

“You have been such a gift to me,” Giovanni said. “One that I don’t deserve but will keep nonetheless.”

Desi laughed softly. “Now you sound like the Giovanni I know.”

The grief had eased somewhat, though he knew it would be a long time before he could think of Antonio without dipping into the deep well of sadness inside his chest. Desi would help him. Her understanding and compassion were beyond what he would have thought her capable of when he first brought her to Italy. Now he knew what a treasure he held in his arms. He would never let her go. Not even out of his sight. He couldn’t lose her. If anything happened to her, it would be the end of his life.

“You questioned your ability to be a mother,” he said, squeezing her tight. “But you were wrong. You will be the best possible mother. You’re too good to be otherwise. You’ll give this child everything it needs.”

She gave him a watery smile. “Si, and you will be there with me, providing all the love and protection this child needs. We’ll do this together. We should probably buy a parenting book though, just to make sure we don’t fuck it up.”

Giovanni chuckled, surprised that he could find humour in anything. He should have known Desi would be the one to help him through the darkest part of losing his child. He knew there would be more sadness to come as he learned to live with Antonio’s death, but he also knew that Desi would be there every step of the way with him.

“I’m here for you, Gio,” she said seriously. “In sickness and in health. We’ll get through this together.”

He gave her a crooked smile. “Richer or poorer.”

She shook her head emphatically. “Nope, I will not do poorer. You need to always be this rich because I have very expensive taste, especially in shoes.”

He tickled her, making her fall back on the bed with laughter.

She shoved at his hands, but he kept coming until he’d climbed on top of her and pinned her down. “You’re a brat.”

She shrugged. “A girl has to speak up for herself. When I took that cruise, they put me in a horrible little cabin. It was awful, Gio. I could never withstand such torture again.”

Of course, he knew she was kidding. She was trying to get him to laugh and smile again, something he’d done more frequently since she’d come into his life.

“I love you,amore mio,” he murmured, kissing her.

She wrapped her arms around his neck. “I love you too, Gio.”

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