Page 79 of The Red Queen

Desi shook her head, then stopped and shrugged. “I don’t know.”

Donada reached out to squeeze her hand. “You have options, you know.”

“Giovanni won’t let me consider any options except having this baby.”

Donada leaned back in her chair. “Giovanni may have preferences, but he’s not a monster.” She tilted her head to the side, then corrected herself, “At least, he’d not a monster with you. He cares about you; he’ll listen if you really don’t want this baby.”

“Maybe he will listen, but right now we can’t seem to speak the same language. We either yell at each other or fuck each other. Sometimes he lets me beat him up in the gym.”

“You need to find some common ground, engage in conversation,” Donada told her. “Work things out as adults.”

Though she hated to admit it, Desi had very little experience with regular adult conversations. She had been an enforcer, a bodyguard, and the second-in-command to a cartel. Her language was guns, knives, and intimidation. When someone didn’t comply with her wishes, she had them tortured and killed.

Giovanni’s world was more civilized, or at least the veneer of civilization forced the people living within his orbit to act a certain way. Giovanni himself could be very uncivilized when he took the gloves off. God, he was so fucking sexy when he did that.

“Earth to Desi.”

Donada’s voice interrupted Desi’s musings. She looked at the other woman seriously, taking in her relaxed posture and her musing expression. Desi wanted that. She wanted to take life as it came, calmly making decisions and dispensing advice like she knew what she was talking about. She wanted the maturity that came with experience, not the reactive anger that was so often her companion.

“I don’t know if I can have a proper conversation with Giovanni about this,” she admitted. “I get so angry and stressed. We both say things we shouldn’t. We’ve been married for less than a month and we still can’t seem to find a balance.”

Donada’s expression was compassionate, and she sat back in her chair, her thoughts wandering as her gaze clouded. Desi leaned back in her own seat, closing her eyes, and taking a deep breath. She concentrated on the heat of the sun on her skin and the scent of the ripening grapes permeating the air.

“You need a break,” Donada finally said, breaking the silence.

“What do you mean?” Desi asked, opening her eyes.

“Well, you’ve told me a little about your early life and I think it’s very much affecting your ability to have a healthy relationship with Giovanni.” Desi opened her mouth to deny Donada’s words, but the other woman stopped her. “I’m not saying all the issues in your marriage are your fault. They aren’t. Giovanni should have been honest with you from the beginning about his intentions. He should have given you a choice. He loves you more than I’ve seen him love anyone.”

Desi laughed. “He adored his first wife. From the sounds of it, she was a saint.”

Donada rolled her eyes. “She was not a saint; not any more than you are. She may not have been a seasoned killer, but she wasn’t without fault. She was often manipulative, short-tempered, and occasionally unreasonable.”

“That sounds like me,” Desi said dryly.

Donada shrugged. “Maybe Giovanni has a type.”

“I don’t know if I believe you. Gio told me his wife was sweet and gentle, that she died because she was too weak for his world. He chose me because I’m tough, able to take on as much as a man and more.”

Donada laughed. “The late Signora Savino was not weak. She was a drill sergeant at home, keeping the mansion in order for the Signore and her precious spoiled son. She wasn’t the fighter you are, but she had a way of manipulating until she got what she wanted. I think the Signore wishes to remember her a certain way, which isn’t necessarily reality.”

Desi thought about it and realized Donada was probably speaking the truth. Desi had glorified her love with Nico because it was easier than admitting that she’d fallen in love with a terrible man who treated her badly. Perhaps Giovanni also lied to himself.

Going back to what Donada had said earlier, Desi asked, “What did you mean when you said I need a break?”

“You need to take a time out. You’re confused, Desi, and it’s any wonder why. You’ve been forced into a life you didn’t agree to. I think you’ve done a beautiful job of fitting in and I think you have so much to offer that when you’re ready to fully accept this life, you’ll shine like the midnight diamond you are.”

Desi smiled. “Midnight diamond, I like that.”

Donada chuckled. “My artist lover rubs off on me.”

Desi sobered, studying Donada’s lovely features. The woman had truly become a dear friend. “You think I’m not ready to accept this life yet, and that’s why I’m not happy.”

“Si, this is exactly what I’m saying. You need to take time away. Find out how to connect with yourself, the real Desi, the one not bullied and manipulated by men.” Donada spoke empathically. “You’ve never had the chance to reconcile your early life, which I think means you can’t see a clear path forward. You want to accept Giovanni and all the things he offers you, but you don’t know how. You can’t talk to him when he displeases you, except to yell. And trust me, he is not an unreasonable man. He will listen if you speak to him calmly, on his level. You need to stop speaking only in the language of violence.”

It struck Desi that Donada was saying exactly what Gio had said to her; she needed to stop solving her problems with anger and violence. But how did one unlearn such a deeply ingrained behaviour?

“How do I take a break?” she wondered out loud. “Giovanni will never let me leave.”

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