Page 72 of Shuttered Hearts

“It’s not pretty.”

“Sometimes life isn’t, but we can always find the way back as long as we’re looking for it.”

“It wasn’t just drugs, it was also sex. A lot of it. With a lot of partners.” I cringe slightly at my feelings about this and admitting this to my dad. But if I’m trying to make him understand why I feel like I’m like my mother, then I have to tell him everything. “I was trying to prove to myself I still had control over my life and I could still find joy, not just in sex, but in life.”

“Quinn, I understand. You don’t have to explain it to me. All I care about is that you’re okay.” I nod when he pauses, letting him know I am okay. “Then I don’t care how you got there.”

“That’s not why I’m telling you this.”

“Right. Your mom.” Dad studies me. I’m not sure what he’s looking for, but it’s a few minutes before he speaks again. “Quinn, even knowing all of that, I still don’t think you are anything like your mother.”

“How can you say that?” The tears are back, but they don’t fall. “I left like she did. I got addicted to drugs like she did. I slept around like she did.”

“Quinn. Stop.” He takes my hand again, gripping it tight. “You are nothing like your mother. You may have left, but it wasn’t in the middle of the night, with no idea where you were and if you were okay. You left with a dream and plan to make that dream a reality. We supported that and wanted it just as badly as you did. We knew exactly where you were and what you were doing. You never gave us a chance to wonder if you were okay because you always stayed in contact with us.”

“Dad—”

“No, I’m not done.” He pauses to ensure I won’t interrupt him again. “When it comes to drugs and alcohol, only you can say if it’s something you still crave—if it’s more important than building a life for yourself. But I’ve seen you over these last few months, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen you happier, and as long as you’re willing to work and fight to maintain that, then you are nothing like your mother.”

“I’m afraid I’ll wake up one day and decide I don’t want to be here anymore. I’m afraid I’ll hurt Declan the way Mom hurt you,” I blurt out.

“Oh, Quinn. No. I don’t believe for a minute you would.” His grip on my hand tightens. “Your mother always talked about leaving Ashford Falls.”

“She did?”

“Yes, long before we ever started dating. It’s part of the reason I waited to make a move.” He chuckles lightly. “I assumed since she hadn’t left after high school, she’d changedher mind. We were still young, and that’s my fault for assuming something and not talking to her about it. But it’s also on her for not making her wants known before we took such a big step toward our future together. Do you know what you want?”

Do I know what I want? Yes, I want to be here. I want to see Max grow up; I want to meet my new niece or nephew and any future babies Caleb and Emily have. I want to be here for those bi-weekly breakfasts with Ava and Emily. I don’t want to miss any more time with my family.

And I want to be with Declan. I want to be a part of his life and help him with his dreams. I want to wake up to him every morning and have lunch every afternoon. I want to keep having our Thursday night dinners at The Diner. I want a future with him, whatever that looks like, as long as we do it together. I want to continue to build on this life we’ve started.

“Yes, I know what I want.”

“As long as you’re honest about whatever that is, then you won’t hurt Declan. You won’t allow yourself to. You care too much.” He smiles at me. “You and Declan are not your mother and me. You are your own people. You’ll make your own mistakes. That’s how life and relationships work, but as long as you’re honest with each other and willing to work for it, you both will be fine. I know it’s cliché, but it’s all about communication. As long as you two continue to talk to each other, I know you’ll make it.”

I don’t know what it is about hearing Dad's words, but I suddenly realize he’s right. I may have done things similar to Mom, but I’ve always loved my family. I’ve always wanted what’s best for them and wanted to be a part of their lives. I’ve never truly abandoned them. They wouldn’t let me, and I never wanted to.

I don’t know what the future holds. I can’t say what I want today won’t change, but I know I don’t want to find out without Declan at my side.

“Thanks, Dad.” I hug him tight, holding on for a few minutes before letting go. “I’m sorry to drop this bomb on you and run, but I need to talk to Declan.”

“Go, Bean.” He laughs lightly. “We’re good.”

I press a quick kiss to his forehead, and then I’m running out the door.

Finally, I’m ready to fight for what I want.

thirty-four

DECLAN

I wantto say I’m not concerned I haven’t heard from Quinn since we said goodbye at the courthouse yesterday afternoon, but that would be a lie. I’m terrified she’s somehow talked herself into ending this thing between us and is just trying to figure out how to tell me.

I keep telling myself if that were true, she would have canceled breakfast with Ava. Yet, Ava was up and out the door by eight forty-five this morning to meet her at The Diner. If she’s pulling away from me, she would likely do the same with everyone around her, even her family.

Quinn is the type of person who wouldn’t allow herself to continue being friends with someone from my family if she wasn’t going to be with me, even though I would never ask her to do that.

I know it’s good for us to have time for ourselves. Spending all of our free time together isn’t realistic, and it isn’t healthy. But I hate the reason for us being separated right now. Iknow she needed time to digest everything said yesterday; I understand it, but I still hate it.

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