Page 116 of Lucky Night

Jenny?

He’s dumbfounded. Standing there, looking down at her, motionless. Hands dangling at his sides.

She reaches out and takes one. Examines it. Brushes her thumb over his knuckles, back and forth. He has such good hands.

It was years ago, she says. And I was never going to tell you. But I just did. I decided to tell you, and I said the words—the thing I thought I’d rather die than say. So I don’t know, Nick.Maybe you’re right, maybe we’re not free. We’re not in control, we can’t change. Maybe me blowing my huge secret wasn’t a choice but a done deal, the inescapable result of every step I’ve ever taken and the person I am. But that’s great! Because it means the person I am is one who can tell the truth. I’ve been lying my whole life, but I can stop.

I did stop. She laughs, still feeling a little stunned. I just did!

He has backed away. He lowers himself to the edge of the bed. Staring at her.

She untangles herself from the duvet and goes to the minibar.

Meanwhile, the mayor is urging—

He mutes the television.

You love me, he says.

Loved, she says, pushing bottles around in the fridge. Past tense.

She finds a miniature vodka in the way back, and a bottle of orange juice in the door. Screwdriver! Perfect. It’s nearly morning.

He jumps up and starts to pace, swift strides across the room. Looking down at the floor, shaking his head. She mixes her drink and takes a seat on the sofa.

He stops in front of her.

All joking aside, he says. All…whatever. Anger. Recriminations. Are you telling me the truth?

She sips her screwdriver. Yep.

Yep! he says. You and your fucking yeps. When did this happen?

The first summer. Six or seven months after we started sleeping together.

And now it’s over? How long did you…how long did it last?

A year, she says.

He is astonished. That long?

It was that long. Even in her own mind she minimizes it. But it lasted a full year.

And you’re saying it stopped? How did it stop?

She takes another sip. I’m not crazy about your tone right now.

Well Jesus, Jenny! You can’t drop something like this on me and not expect a few—

Stop interrogating me, she says. Sit down. Talk to me like I’m a human being.

He takes a seat on the bed.

You loved me, he says. Why?

Why? she repeats. A million reasons. And no reason. You read my books. It’s all in there.

What?

---