Page 49 of Lucky Night

It was early October, he says. October third.

That long? Wow. I guess we were both busy, there were the holidays—

No, Jenny. It was all you.

What? No.

I offered you half-a-dozen dates, but you were out of town, or had a reading, or the kids were sick. Every time.

They’re always sick in the winter, Nick, I’m sorry—

I’m not blaming you. They were legitimate reasons, but their cumulative effect was such that…

Listen to him. Going all lawyerly.Their cumulative effect was such that.He needs to move. He stands and circles the room. He’s going to break out in hives. But now that he’s started, he might as well finish.

He stops in front of her.

It felt like you weren’t trying as hard to see me as you used to. I wasn’t important—asimportant, not that I was or ever could be important-important, I get that—but important in the verylimited way in which I was once important, or thought myself to be…goddammit, I’ve completely lost the thread of what I was saying.

He’s all worked up, running his hands through his hair, pacing again.

He stops, spreads his hands.

I thought I was losing you, okay?

Oh, Nick,no!

Let me finish, please, without theoh Nicks and the protestations and so forth—you wanted me to spill my guts, so I am. That’s why I pushed for a whole night. To reassure myself. You could say I was testing my hypothesis, but I wasn’t trying to trick you or trap you. I wanted to see you, it had been so long—

I wanted to see you, too!

He holds up a hand. Jenny, please. I wanted to see you, but part of me also needed some proof that the, whatever the hell we have here, theconnection,is still in good working order. Your life has changed, you’ve become this—phenomenon. You’re writing, you’re watching movies be filmed of your work. You’re a celebrity. Who am I? Some dickhead who came on to you in the weirdest possible way in a neighbor’s kitchen one night! What we have, what we do? I know it’s not supposed to be a big deal. But it isadeal. It’s important to me. To you? I wasn’t sure. Maybe you were ready to move on, and you decided to let me down easy, with a gradual fade-out. That’s what I feared. And if I was misreading anything, well, a nice long night together might remind us why we do this.

She nods, not saying anything, just listening.

He sits beside her on the sofa and takes her hands.

And it worked, he says. You didn’t cancel. And it wasso good,as it always is. At least, I thought it was, until I found out you didn’t come. You faked coming, in fact, which made me feel useless and confirmed—please, Jenny, let me finish—confirmed my worst fears about my value to you. Then we heard another alarm, and you were ready to fly out of here. Next, you mentioned this Juan Pablo clown, and I thought, well, that’s it. I can’t make her come, here’sthis hot young guy who probably can, maybe even has. Later, after we fought, I started fixating on him, and I…well, you should see what I’ve been googling the last little while. It’s profoundly embarrassing.

The point is, I let myself get all worked up until I couldn’t stand it anymore, at which point I marched over here and demanded you answer that utterly shitty question.

He’s still holding her hands. He looks down at them.

I don’t care if you slept with him, he says. You said you didn’t and I believe you, but I truly don’t care. As long as you don’t stop sleeping withme.

He looks up now, into her eyes. That’s it. My long-winded explanation for why I wanted a whole night, and why I didn’t want to leave. The idea of losing time together, when we hadn’t had time in so long? I couldn’t bear it. I’m a greedy bastard. We should have left,we—

I came, she says.

What?

I came. Before. I said I hadn’t, I faked it. But I didn’t.

He releases her hands, sits back.

It was a mistake, she says. A momentary…I can explain if you want. Why I didit.

He stands. He walks away, then turns back.

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