Page 82 of Nash

“You need to get tested,” I demand. “I shouldn’t have done that.” We’re driving over the Ravenel bridge while I regret the last hour. The last month. Though I’ll never forget it. “That wasn’t my blood, and you need to be tested now. You have to take care of yourself.”

More silence. More pain.

Sunset flames across the sky. The wide river churns below. My muscles ache after the violence, the sex. But it’s my heart I’m listening to. I’m driving Vale home because I can’t stop hurting her.

“I’m sorry I did that,” I mutter.

Sorry, I did what? The list is so goddamn long.

Sorry, I’ve wanted Vale since she was eighteen.

Sorry, she’s my daughter’s best friend.

Sorry, I’d do anything to protect her.

Sorry, still, I put her in a deadly situation.

Sorry, I used her to trap a man I want to kill.

Sorry, I didn’t kill him. Yet.

Sorry, I fucked her like an animal.

Sorry, I shared secrets with her.

Sorry, I shared my heart with her.

Sorry, she gave hers to me.

Sorry, I made her love me.

Sorry, I fell in love with her, too.

So sorry …I have to let her go now.

“Vale, speak to me.”

She doesn’t. She won’t look at me. She’s frozen. Her body, I ravaged, sits silent and still in her seat except for her hands folded in her lap.They’re trembling.

“I’ll still see you at Delta’s sometimes,” I warn her. “I haven’t finished auditing this year’s transactions. I have about a month’s worth of work left.”

I take the exit, slowly driving toward the French Quarter. I wish I could turn this car around and bring her home with me, but that’s Alena’s home, too.

Though Vale is safe now, our secret isn’t. It’s the greatest risk.

“I’ll see you at the wedding, too. All the events for it. Alena is going to look so beautiful.” Pause. “So will you.”

Quickly, she swipes a tear away, a tiny sob escaping with it before she chokes it down.

“Poison, don’t cry.” Rocks suddenly strangle my throat. “You know I don’t want to do this.”

“Then don’t,” her voice trembles with her whisper to the window.

“We can’t…” I clench my teeth. I hate this, too. “We can’t go on, Vale. We’re going to get caught. We’re going to hurt Alena.”

I circle her block three times. It’s not out of compulsion or safety. It’s to delay the inevitable.

The pain. The goodbye.

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