Page 16 of Redemption

The sun streamingin through the window is bringing with it the promise of a new day. At a few points the past few months I thought there wouldn't be a new day. There were moments when I thought I may end it all with my gun in my mouth. No one knew that, except maybe Nick. He always did have a way of seeing through my facade. Sometimes I wondered if I was that transparent or if he simply knew me better than I knew myself.

I look around the room, the sun casting long shadows on the walls, mirroring the ones deep within me. It started slowly, unnoticed at first, like the first chill of winter creeping into your bones. The weight became heavier, and the vibrant colors of my life faded to grey.

Leaving Ruby and the kids felt like the only option. It wasn’t that I didn’t love them; I loved them fiercely, but the darkness inside me whispered lies, telling me they were better off without a husband and father who was such a mess. Each morning, pulling on the uniform felt like strapping on an extra hundred pounds.

It was a Tuesday when I finally reached the breaking point. The badge in my hand felt like a symbol of everything I've lost. Decision made, I had walked away. I can still see Ruby’s face inmy mind, eyes wide with confusion and hurt when I told her I was moving out. The same day I'd taken off my wedding ring. I didn’t have the words to explain, to make her understand that it wasn’t her fault.

The days had blurred into one another. I became a ghost, haunting my own life. I didn’t leave a note; I wasn’t sure what to say. Anything would have felt like an inadequate summary of a complex storm raging inside of me.

Then there was Nick. My really good friend, and Kel's husband, he showed up, relentless and immovable. He didn’t ask questions right away. Instead, he just sat with me in silence, the kind that was filled with understanding rather than judgment.

It was as if he knew what the fuck was happening without me having to tell him. Knowing his background, I'm sure he'd felt the same way as me more than once in his life. That's what I love about Nick, he doesn't need a lot of words. But when he speaks them, they mean a lot. “Caleb,” he started, his voice like gravel mixed with warmth, “Ruby loves you, man.”

I huffed a humorless laugh, staring at my worn shoes. “Maybe she’d be better off if she didn’t.”

“Is that really what you believe?” he asked gently. His hand covering mine in a gesture of friendship and understanding.

Do I believe that? It’s hard to tell when my own mind is a battlefield. Nick didn’t let me mull it over for long.

“You’re her world, Caleb. What about Molly and Levi? You're their hero.”

“Some hero,” I mutter, bitterness clinging to my words.

He placed a hand on my shoulder, firm but comforting. “Heroes aren’t perfect. They struggle. They fall. But they also stand up and keep fighting. That’s what makes them heroes.”

There’s a silence as we both sit with his words, the truth of them piercing through my fog. But it doesn’t lift it, not yet.

“Do you remember when we were in the academy?” Nick asks, derailing my spiraling thoughts. “All those times you pushed me during the obstacle course?”

I smirk slightly, the memory a brief respite. “You always had more strength than speed, Nick.”

He grins, the old familiarity between us a balm to my fractured soul. “And you, my friend, always knew how to lift others up. Even when it’s hard.”

I swallow thickly, the admiration in his eyes cutting through my defenses. Did I really do that? I didn’t feel like it anymore.

“Caleb, look, I know things are heavy now. But ending it, running away, that’s not the answer.” His voice is steady, unwavering, reaching into the depths of my chaos. “There’s hope. There’s always hope. Even if you don’t see it right now.”

The room is quiet, except for the ticking of the clock. Seconds slipping away, yet feeling like eternities. My mind drifts to Ruby’s smile, the sound of my kids’ laughter. Tiny beacons of light in my overwhelming darkness.

“How do I fix it, Nick?” I whisper, vulnerability cracking my voice.

“Start by forgiving yourself,” he replies gently. “And then go home. Talk to Ruby. It won’t be easy, but she’ll listen. She wants to help.”

I nod slowly, the idea terrifying and relieving all at once. The fear hasn’t left, but now it’s accompanied by a glimmer of determination. Maybe I can do this. Maybe I can find my way back to them, back to me.

The evening air is cool against my face as I finally step outside, Nick by my side. There’s no rush to fix everything immediately, but this is a start.

“Thanks, Nick,” I say, my gratitude profound enough to temporarily clear the storm clouds within.

He simply nods, understanding passing between us. The road ahead won’t be easy. But with each step, the journey seems a little less daunting, a little more hopeful.

That was the day I'd asked her to spend Valentine's with me, and truthfully it was the first day I felt like we'd be able to work this out.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

RUBY

We're sittingon the wrap-around porch, enjoying the wind, and the quiet of nature.

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