Page 67 of Come Back to Me

A few minutes after I enter the station, when we make assignments for the day, I speak up. “I want to ride on squad today with Fitz. Reynolds, will you train Finn today?”

I don’t miss the surprised looks on the faces of my team. They’ve all clearly noted that I haven’t been in an ambulance since Teddy died. Hence, I haven’t been back to the ER.

Reynolds answers quickly. “Sure thing, Jack.”

Finn nods.

Fitz dips his head at me subtly and, when everyone else has left the area, he pats me on the shoulder and says quietly, “I’ve got you.” Then he walks away.

Three hours later, we’re on our first medical call of the day and I’m pulling the ambulance up to First City ER. After we park, I help Fitz get the stretcher from the back of the rig. Before we move toward the ER, Fitz looks at me expectantly. I nod at him when I’m ready, and we begin our walk into the ER.

Every step I take is hard, so damn hard. My body wants me to stop, but I don’t. I keep putting one foot in front of the other and walk past the room where Teddy was. I’m shaking and my heart is pounding as I walk past Room One, but I still do it.

Over the rest of my twenty-four-hour shift, I end up doing it three more times. It’s never easy, but each time is less difficult than the one before.

Sittingat my dining room table, I stare down at the two journals lying before me. I have an appointment today to see the counselor I worked with when Shayna’s fiancé—my friend Tom—died. The counselor who helped me learn how to handle my feelings. After losing Annie shocked my system, I started a journal to help me process my feelings and the complicated grief I have over losing Ted. I plan to bring it with me to show the counselor today, so he can help me work through things.

I reach out and rub my hand over the second journal, the one the counselor won’t see. The one that’s for Annie’s eyes only. I don’t know if she’ll ever agree to read it but, since I can’t talk to her because she’s gone, I tried to capture in writing what I need her to know. I had promised her early on that I would always find a way to express my feelings to her and I’ve already broken that promise in the most miserable way over the last few weeks. I won’t keep breaking it.

I open Annie’s journal and read my first entry before starting one today.

Sept 22 -

Dear Annie,

I know this is an unconventional way to communicate, but I don’t know where you are, and I’ve been shit at expressing my feelings to you over these last few weeks. So, I thought I would try writing them. First, I’m so sorry I hurt you. I never meant to. I love you so much and I can’t believe I let my grief affect me to where I mistreated you.

The truth is, I blamed myself for Teddydying. Specifically, I blamed the fact that I had fallen in love with you and spent so much of my time with you that I didn’t keep a close enough eye on Teddy. So, anytime I saw you, it reminded me of that guilt. I felt like I shouldn’t be happy when Teddy was gone because of that happiness. I know that isn’t fair, but it’s what was going on in my brain.

No one knows this but me, not even Emily… Teddy tried to hurt himself one other time, when we were younger. I had known he was in an awful place, so I was checking on him a lot and I found him in time to get him help. That’s the real reason I haven’t dated much after my divorce. I needed to avoid being distracted so I could keep an eye out for subtle changes in his behavior that could mean something was wrong. But it had been five years since the last time he tried and, when I met you, there was such an intense connection there that I’d never felt before, not even with Maggie. Those things, coupled with the fact that Teddy was getting married, made me think it was safe to allow someone into my life, to ease up on the vigilance I had about Teddy for so long.

So, when he died, I felt like I had failed him. I felt like if I had still been watching him so closely, I might have noticed somethingand been able to intervene before he started making choices that led him to feeling like this was his only option. I’m ashamed to admit this, but the night before I found him, he tried to call me and I didn’t answer because you and I were on the phone. I chose you over him that night and then he died, and I couldn’t handle what that felt like.

So, it doesn’t make any of what I did okay, but I just want you to know where my head was.

Losing you sent me over the edge. It was my rock bottom and I promise you I’m going to do everything I can to be a better man and work through this pain and guilt so that, if you can find it in your heart to give us another chance, you won’t regret it.

Come back to me, sugar. Please, come back to me.

CHAPTER 30

ANNIE

Sitting by the pool trying to work on my tan and enjoying my last day in the sun before heading back to Ohio, I’m lost in thought. I try to mentally prepare myself for going home tomorrow.

I realize that as much as I’ve been distracted by the activities and my new friends on the cruise, I’ve still had a lot of moments where I’m overcome with this intense feeling of devastation. I can’t imagine how much worse it would have been at home with all the constant reminders of… him. I miss my friends and Beanie a ton, but it’s going to be so hard being back there and not being with Jack. My heart literally hurts thinking about it.

Thankfully, I’m pulled from my downward thought spiral when Millie sits on the chaise-lounge chair next to me, looking so cute in a polka-dot swimsuit.

“Hey there, darling, are you enjoying the last day so far?” she asks.

I try to force a smile for her, not wanting to ruin her mood with my heartache vibe.

I swallow past a lump in my throat. “Sure. It’s… nice.”

She looks at me for several long seconds, then turns her eyes to watch Larry swim laps. She looks at him so adoringly.

Without taking her eyes off Larry, she says, “You know, sweetie, from the moment I saw you sitting there at that table alone on our first night at dinner, I had a feeling you were here nursing a broken heart. I hoped I was wrong, but I wasn’t, was I?”

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