Page 78 of Come Back to Me

“Are you kidding? The more time we spend with your dog, the closer we get Dan to agreeing we can get one of our own.” She smiles.

I thank her and decide to take advantage of her offer so I can stay at the hospital a little later tonight.

When I get back to the hospital, Rose is just setting up plates and utensils in the small family room, and I sit with Jack’s family and eat. We take turns sitting with Jack, only allowed to go in two visitors at a time.

By ten, everyone else has left except Ben and me and I text Julie to let her know I’m going to stay for another hour or two, but she can put the dogs upstairs anytime she’s ready.

I want to see Jack again before I leave for the night, but I’m waiting in the family area for a bit, trying to give Ben some alone time with his brother.

When Ben comes out from visiting with Jack, he has what looks like a book in his hands and extends it to me.

“What’s this?” I ask, taking it, but not breaking eye contact with him.

“Let’s sit for a minute,” he says. He heads toward the couch in the waiting room.

“In the ER, right before you came in the room and before the doctor gave the sedation, Jack was trying to speak. He had a really hard time, but he fought to get out a few words.” He pauses for a second before continuing.

“He told me he loved me, and he managed to get out a few words about a journal that he wanted me to give to you. I went to his house this morning, and I found this on his dining room table,” he says, pointing to the book. “I swear I only opened it enough to read the first ‘DearAnnie,’ then shut it. But, Annie, I think Jack’s been writing you letters in there for almost a month, and I think he wanted me to give them to you in case… in case he doesn’t?—”

“Don’t say it, Ben. Don’t you say it!” I say, unintentionally raising my voice. “He’s going to be okay. He has to be,” I say, softening my tone a little. “And thank you for this.” I stand and hug him.

When Ben leaves, I go back into Jack’s room and sit at his bedside. With shaking hands, I open the journal and start reading the first entry, dated September twenty-second. That entry alone is heartbreaking.

Jack’s pain as he explains where his mind was after Teddy died leaps off the page at me. Tears pour from my eyes and I need to keep wiping them on my sleeve to even continue reading. I have to stop reading twice to catch my breath.

Slowly, I make my way through the entries after September twenty-second through October fourth. Heaviness sits on my chest as I read of the guilt he felt and the blame he inflicted on himself over Teddy’s death. It hurts to read that he felt he had indirectly been responsible for what happened to Teddy, all because he allowed love, allowed me, into his life.

Then anger slams into me. Anger at myself for giving up on him.Why didn’t you try harder to get through to him?

I take almost two hours to read the thirteen days of entries. I stare at the page after that, afraid to turn it and read anything after October fourth’s entry.

The next day, October fifth, is the day I met him at Pat’s Diner and asked him to stay away from the ER and stop texting me. I’m afraid what comes next will reveal that Jack’s feelings for me are fading. So, I don’t read it, I just can’t right now.

I go back several times and reread the September twenty-second entry. One particular section keeps calling to me and I pray each time I read it we’ll get another chance.

Losing you sent me over the edge. It was my rock bottom and I promise you I’m going to do everything I can to be a better man and work through this pain and guilt so that, if you can find it in your heart to give us another chance, you won’t regret it.

Come back to me, sugar, please come back to me.

CHAPTER 36

ANNIE

I spend several hours at Jack’s bedside on Sunday, willing him to be okay. He’s been on the breathing machine for two full days now. I still haven’t been able to bring myself to read the journal entries after October fourth, but I’ve decided this morning that I’m going to make myself read them when I get home later.

I’ve been home a few hours and I feel like I’ve delayed all I can. I sit down with a cup of hot cocoa and the dogs lying on either side of me and pick up the journal with shaking hands.

October 5?—

I just got home from meeting you at the diner. I feel at a loss for words, but I’m still going to try to “talk” to you. I’m so sorry I didn’t see it before today… didn’t see that it felt like I left you, and how much that would hurt you. I promise you I’ll never leave you again, physically or emotionally, if I have a say in it. So, I’m writing as my way to stay connected to you even if you don’t know it. It’s going to kill me, but I’ll stop the texts and stop coming to the ER like you asked because I love you, Annie Brooks, with all my heart.

October 6 —

I didn’t think any day could be harder than yesterday but today is because it’s the first full day since you asked me not to contact you or come to the ER. I hope you’re okay. I miss you so much, sugar.

October 7 —

It’s a B shift again today. God, I want to pull Finn off the rig and go on medical calls, but I won’t because I don’t want to hurt you more. I love you so much, Annie. So, so much. The thought that I might never see your breathtaking smile aimed at me or hear your adorable laugh again hurts my chest.

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