Page 79 of Come Back to Me

October 8?—

I couldn’t sleep last night. The smell of you has faded from my pillows and I hate it. I can’t stand that I lost you. But I’m going to be the man you loved so that if you ever findyour way back to me, I’m ready. Miss you so much, sweetness.

October 9 —

I was in the grocery store today and saw a woman I thought was you for a second and my heart skipped a beat. But when she turned and it wasn’t you, I felt deflated. I miss seeing your beautiful face, your eyes. Hell, I miss everything about you. You brought so much sunshine into my world every day.

October 10?—

Today was a hard day for me. It would have been Teddy’s birthday. I wish I could talk to you about how it feels. It hurts so much, Annie. I should have been honest with you from the start with what I was going through after we lost him. I’m truly sorry for that. I should have found a way.

October 11 —

I was at a hockey game tonight with Fitz and some guy a few seats over from us snapped at his wife. I thought, “What an asshole,” then realized that’s probably what I sounded like when I snapped at you on your balcony that day. Seeing the look on her face and her embarrassment at being talked to that waynearly broke me. I hate I was such a prick to you. You were the best thing in my life, and I treated you like that…

October 12 —

We had family dinner today and I hate that you weren’t there. I talked with Shayna a bit and she said she saw you at Spicy Girls book club last night. She says you’re doing “okay.” I want you to be better than okay, sweet girl. Even if I’m not what makes you happy anymore, I want you happy. It’s hard to think of you with someone else, but if that’s what would make you smile again, I can’t begrudge you that. I might go fucking crazy, but I wouldn’t begrudge you…

October 13 —

I love you, and I miss you. I always will.

October 14 —

Today has been rough. I miss you more today, for some reason. I miss everything about you. How smart you are, compassionate, caring, your laugh, your stubbornness. I miss your body, too. It’s been so long since I’ve kissed you, held you, fucked you, made love to you… I miss it all…

October 15 —

Ben and I met up at O’Riley’s today after he got off work. Don’t worry, I just had coffee. It was the first day I’ve been there since… since I lost you. I almost couldn’t go in; I had to force myself. Damn it, even there, everything reminds me of you… Where you were sitting when I first saw you, the dance floor. And when I left and saw the wall in the small alleyway that you were up against that one time. Shit, Annie, I’m wondering if this will ever get easier.

October 16 —

I’m sad today. What if this is really it? What if I’ve lost you forever? What if you move back to Columbus?

October 17 —

Please find your way back to me, Annie. Don’t give up on us… My prayer every night is for you to come back to me, but only if I’m what’s best for you. You only deserve the best in life.

October 18 —

Sugar, I feel like I’m going to love you until I die. I never want there to be someone else. The thought of it actually makes me feelphysically ill. Please let me love you again… I swear I never meant to hurt you. I’d rather die than ever cause you another moment of pain.

I’m weepingby the time I get through all the entries. Then I start over at the beginning before falling asleep sometime in the night, clutching the journal as if my heart depends on it.

I arriveto Jack’s ICU room around five a.m. on Monday, wanting to sit with him for a few hours before the day starts. When I first enter the room, I sit quietly for several minutes just watching the machine breathe for him and the heart monitor tracing out the rhythm that assures me he’s alive. I’m only able to relax a little when I see his vital signs all appear okay.

I’m holding the journal, but not reading it. I don’t have to. It’s imprinted in my brain, seared into my heart.

I have a choice to make. Either I look past my fear and allow this man to love me, or I let my fear paralyze me and keep me from the soul-captivating love we had.

Hours pass and it’s time for me to head downstairs to the emergency room. I haven’t said a single word to Jack in the two hours I’ve been here today. I’ve just watched him and prayed that he will be okay.

I stand and slowly make my way to his bedside. I look at his beautiful face for a long moment, a single tear sliding down my cheek.

Seeing this strong, amazing, honorable man lying in the hospital bed, I know without a doubt the world will be a darker place if Jack doesn’t recover from this.

I lean down and place a single kiss on his cheek beforewhispering, “I love you, Jack. I never stopped. Please wake up… for us. Please come back to me.”

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