Page 101 of Nanny for the SEAL

“The PTSD came first. I was a SEAL first, so when we were married, that shit was already affecting me. And…and I didn’t handle it as well as I would have liked. It’s, umm, a learning process.”

I nod, having my own baggage that I had to learn how to carry. “Okay.”

Xaden takes my hand, holding it so tight, like he needs to ground himself. I wrap my other hand around his, covering him.

“I saw a light by the side of the road. Hunters.” His stare drops to where we’re holding hands, but I know that’s not what he’s seeing. “It…it triggered me.”

The room is quiet. I let it stay that way. The spell of confession is not one I wish to break.

“I started drifting, and then there were headlights coming from the other direction. I tried to swerve out of the way.” His voice catches, and Xaden clamps down on my hands tighter. “The snow made me skid. The car…the car flipped and…”

Xaden’s tone is scratchy and deep now, and I see the single tear slide down his face when he abruptly lifts his head and stares at the ceiling. He sniffles, but somewhat surprisingly, he doesn’t move to wipe the tear away.

He lets it fall.

“God, it was so fucking…disorienting. We were in circles, and then I hit my head on the driver's door. Umm, it was a few minutes, I don’t really know, before I woke back up. Maeve was calling my name and…”

“Honey, it’s okay. You don’t have to?—”

“I do. I have to get this out.” Xaden sniffs again, shaking his head as his eyes roll up in an attempt to stop the tears. “She knew. She knew she wasn’t getting out of that car. The passenger side had crushed in, and…she was pinned in there. The moment that pressure was removed…”

I begin to put the pieces together. Maeve’s body was too badly damaged. It was only the perfect positioning of the car that kept her from dying right then and there.

“I remember getting my phone. I was out of it, but I could still move.” Xaden rolls his lips between his teeth and then meets my eyes. “The EMTs came. They had to pull me out of the car. I wasn’t going to leave her.”

“Oh, Xaden. I’m so sorry.” My chest feels like it’s cracking in half, and I can only imagine how much worse it is for him.

“The last thing she said to me…” His tears come harder now, and I move closer, doing what I can to make him feel comforted. “She said…she said that I had to keep Daisy safe and…to keep living. I couldn’t die in that car with her.”

I can’t keep myself from crying. His words—herwords—are so visceral and real. Maeve just wanted him to be happy and to ensure her child lived a good life.

What more could a mom want for her kid?

I think about the baby I’m carrying, and I can already tell that I’d give just about anything to keep them safe.

“Xaden, I…” I look into his eyes, see him breaking, and push myself into his arms. “I’m so so sorry. I love you, and you’ve done exactly what she asked.”

“I didn’t mean to,” he sobs. “I didn’t mean to lose control of the car. It was an accident.”

All I can do is squeeze tighter, and I hold him. I hold Xaden, and I let him fall apart. After a moment, he sucks in a ragged breath, and I lean back to look at him, taking his face in my hands.

“You’re not evil or bad, Xaden. It was awful. So was what you experienced with the SEALs. It was all just…tragic. But you arenotto blame.”

“I promise,” I can barely understand him through the renewed sobs, his face burying into my neck, “I…I will never put you in that danger. I won’t…I won’t make the same mistake again. I swear to you.”

Pulling his face up, I look him square in the eyes. “I know you won’t. And I know that wherever she is now, Maeve forgives you.”

He cries, but it doesn’t take over. When he stills again, I make him look at me. “I love you, Xaden. I love you for everything you are.”

Brushing my lips over his, I kiss him sweetly. I can taste our tears mingling, and Xaden shakes slightly as he pulls me close to his chest and holds me there.

“I will keep you safe, Ivy. I willnotlet your father harm you.” He leans back to look down at my stomach. “I will keep them safe. I will do everything to keep this family together. Iloveyou.”

I take his face again, resting my forehead against his. “I believe you, babe. I do. And I’m right there with you. I won’t let us get pulled apart.”

Xaden melds himself around me, letting me be the anchor during his storm. I take the job with pride, staying right there with him until he’s ready.

I don’t know what the future holds—and I’m not convinced that my father won’t still be a problem—but we’ve done something important here today.

---