Page 113 of Nanny for the SEAL

How could he do this? Can I never be free of him?

He found me, too. He found me in Red Lodge after everything I did to keep myself safe, and there was nothing I could do to stop him.

“Goddamn,” I shout to no one, “why couldn’t I stop him?”

My father has always treated me like a waste of space until I proved useful. He thought the same of Jasmine and our mother.

Is he right? Am I nothing but a burden to everyone around me?

Rage and regret and pain swirl through me like too much alcohol. I keep the stuff to a minimum because alcoholism and addiction run in my family. Crime runs in my family.

This isn’t right. I can’t just stay here and let my bullshit take everything from Xaden, from Daisy. They don’t deserve that.

It’s all too much, too, too much. The past hasn’t gone anywhere. It’s right here, and it’s dragging me down all over again.

Leave. Get out of here.

The voice in my head is loud, and I can’t ignore it. So, I don’t. I park at my house and rush over to Xaden’s, and I run inside, slamming the door behind me.

At first, I worry that I’ll scare Daisy, but the house is silent. She’s not here.

“Xaden left to find me. He probably…” I look at the house on the other side, the one that isn’t mine. “She’s with Bridget and Mason. Good.”

I don’t wait another moment longer. I rush up the stairs straight to the closet. So many of my things have made it over here, and I start to pack everything I can into the duffle I used to transport my shit.

I won’t stay in Red Lodge. I won’t stay in Montana. I’ll go somewhere crazy. Maybe Australia? Whatever it takes.

And I won’t tell anyone where I am.

In the middle of shoving my many pairs of leggings into the floppy black duffle bag, I stop. My hand goes to my stomach, nausea flaring.

You’re pregnant, Ivy.

“Fuck. What am I going to do about this?”

My tears start all over again, and I struggle to breathe. I’ve gotten pretty attached to the future, looking forward to meeting the little person growing inside me.

I finally bought onesies and learned all that silly shit from the saleswoman about snaps and bottles and binkies.

Looking down at myself, I smile sadly. “I won’t abandon you, little bean. I’ll be here. I…I promise.”

But I know that means they’ll live without meeting their father. Xaden will be heartbroken, and I don’t see how he’ll be able to forgive me for it.

He’ll be alive, though, and that’s the more important part.

Shirts, underwear, and socks all make it into the duffle, and a few of the mementos I don’t want to leave without—a tee of Xaden’s, the tickets to the drive-in, and one of Daisy’s stuffed animals that she forgot in the bed.

I want to keep the two of them close even if I never see them again.

Sobs rack my chest once more, and I force myself to breathe through my nose, shaking as I gather the rest of my things into the duffle.

Thunder cracks outside, and with a flash of white, my attention is pulled to the window. It’s suddenly pouring now, not cold enough yet to be snow, and I shake my head with a sarcastic laugh.

“Of course. Because yeah, of course, it’s raining.”

Hoisting the duffle onto my shoulder, I fly down the stairs, intent on getting the hell out of here, before Xaden finds me and tries to stop me.

I can’t say goodbye, after all. I won’t be able to. I need to be gone before he gets home.

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