Page 44 of Nanny for the SEAL

FOURTEEN

Xaden

It’s been a week since I got Ivy out of that bar, one week since I shared a car ride with her, and one week since I was inches from kissing her.

We’ve danced around each other in a mask of professionalism and platonic acceptance. Ivy seems to be handling it well enough, even if those random texts she gets continue to frighten her enough to notice.

Me on the other hand, I’mnothandling it.

Every moment is like crawling over broken glass. All I want to do is ask about the messages, find out why Ivy is so clearly scared.

All I want is to protect her from whatever is out there that worries her, any and every threat she might see that I can’t right now.

All I fucking want is to be around her—always.

And that can’t happen. Everything I said in the car was true, and now, I see it even more. Our run-in that night has affected our day-to-day, and I don’t want that.

I don’t want Ivy resenting me or leaving Daisy. I don’t want her to change her mind and see me as unsafe.

Dammit. This is why you never…

The thought drifts off. I don’t want to finish it even though I already know what I was going for.

Standing up from my bed, I stretch and sigh. Any notion of sneaking in a nap while Daisy is at Mason’s playing with Mia and Ivy has the day off is thoroughly squashed.

It’s the weekend, and I know that I should just take this time to relax, but my mind is just churning and churning and churning.

Because…

Because I haven’t dated since Maeve, and I shouldn’t be thinking about it.

I haven’t slept with anyone, and I haven’t been intimate with anyone in any way, shape, or form since I lost my wife.

I haven’t wanted to—until now. And Christ, do I feel guilty about that.

It’s like a betrayal of the relationship we had. Daisy is here, proof of Maeve’s existence, and the poor girl barely remembers her mother.

How do I bring another woman into my life when it’s very possible that she’ll override any memories Daisy does have?

Everything would be so much easier if Ivy wasn’t as incredible as she is with Daisy, if Ivy wasn’t so incredible with everything.

And she’s been staring at me, those peridot eyes finding me wherever I am.

At least, I think she has. God, I don’t want to be reading into the situation, but I swear whenever we’re alone together—when the quiet stretches long—I feel pulled to Ivy like a magnet, and her gaze isn’t something I’d consider platonic at all.

Tension weaves through every moment between us like a strand of red ribbon, contrasting with the mute grays of my current existence.

Even these past few torturous days have been happier than any I’ve had in so long—perhaps ever.

How am I this stupid? She’s the nanny, for fuck’s sake. Ivy has just met me and has no reason to stick around Red Lodge.

Nagging insecurity itches at my skin as I stalk around my bedroom, pacing around as I try to think of something to do with the pent-up energy snaking through me.

Ivy has no reason to stay.

And that’s what scares me most of all. I lost my wife. Daisy lost her mother. I can’t put either of us through that again. I’m not sure I’d survive it.

Besides, what kind of father would I be if I dragged someone into my life only to have them leave? What kind of message would that send my daughter? That partners come and go?

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