Page 41 of Surrender

Those are not the actions of a man in control - of a man just letting a woman use him for his body.

When I woke this morning with soft freesia-scented hair in my face and my chest against a warm body, I'll admit, I freaked out. I haven't spent the night with a woman before Serenity in over a decade. My encounters with my partners have existed in the safe confines of The Envelope, or my home office when I want a longer scene. Before Serenity, I had a handful of subs on rotationif I wanted a more in-depth submission outside of The Envelope. But no one has ever spent the night or slept in my bed.

I don't know what came over me last night. Why I thought it would be a good idea to hold her - to fall asleep wrapped around her.

I had this deep, primal feeling ofwrongwhen she turned away from me to sleep.

Like a fucking boyfriend, and not a fuck buddy. This was strictly supposed to be a fuck buddy situation. Fuck! No! Not even that. This was a... I have a safe place for her so she's not homeless. And it's turned into a... fuck, I don't even know.

Everything about her has been different. From wanting to protect her from the BDSM lifestyle, to letting her into my home, to letting her into my business.

We've gotten closer, and she's started experimenting with the lifestyle. I came into the office one morning last week to find a kinks checklist filled out on my desk.

I thought of my sweet little Serenity searching for kink lists on the internet and then imagining all of the acts listed and leaving a checklist of what she wants to do with me had me hard for the rest of the day.

We haven't talked about it, though, and I'm not sure what I want to do about it.

I didn't want to come and then send her on her way. I didn't want to come and then shake her hand and say 'thanks' and then fall asleep in the same bed but not "together."

So, I listened to my gut instead of my head... and my head's paying for it now.

Is this how she feels all the time? It's fucking exhausting. I'm stressing, fretting, and replaying the same thoughts over and over on a cycle. It's exhausting.

All while she jogs next to me, blissfully unaware of the turmoil coiling deep in my stomach.

I shake my head as we round the bend and begin our journey back.

No. Next time I'll keep the boundaries. I'll keep the lines firmly where they should be. I'm a safe space for her and that's it. I'm not her boyfriend. I'm not even her friend.

We just find ourselves in a unique situation.

It's fine.

It's all fine.

I'll shut her down if she starts to act like this is more than it is. She won't fall in love with me. Will she? I'm just the first man to pay her any attention. Even if I have to break her heart, it'll be for the best.

It's fine.

It's all fine.

Chapter twenty-three

Serenity

Ithought the last month working at The Envelope and my time with Declan would have prepared me for tonight. I've spent more time exploring the back rooms, the red room where the staff work shirtless, and the exhibition rooms.

But it didn't.

The Envelope is hosting their monthly Primal Night.

While the first two hours of my shift are easy, it's when 9 o'clock rolls around that the lights go out and the screams start.

Volkov has been staring at me my entire shift. While not unusual, he's got an extra intensity about it tonight that has the hair on the back of my neck standing on end.

Logically, I know everything is consensual. You don't come to a primal night without the expectation of being chased and dominated. I know every woman here wants to be here. But their screams rip into my heart and soul and send my heartrate sky-high. I can't deliver drinks anymore. I can't tend tables anymore. I'm hyperventilating and my heartrate is erratic. I try to focus when a scream is followed by a menacing growl and the pounding of feet as a man gives chase.

Oh. My. Fucking. God.

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