Page 104 of For Pleasure Or Worse

“Doesn’t it scare you?” she asked quietly. It was the furthest thing from accusatory—more profoundly concerned, and whimsically curious. “That these men are complete strangers but they think they own you? The parasocial aspect of it has to fuck with you.”

I sat up straighter on the bed, crossing my legs into a pretzel. I pulled my phone away from my ear to check that it was in fact Mia I was on the phone with before placing it back. This was not the way I thought this conversation would go. It wasn’t even the way I washopingit would, but I was more than happy to continue because in a screwed-up way I liked that she cared. That she even wanted to be on the phone with me to begin with.

“It used to,” I told her. “When I started, I was doing it alone and had no idea how easy it was to be taken advantage of, even behind a screen. Once I realized how liberating the power was, that I was the one in control of everything and I could be any person that I wanted to be, it wasn't scary anymore. I’m not in any danger, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“I’m just still trying to wrap my head around it,” Mia said. “You’re my baby fucking sister. In my head you’re still playing dress up in Mom’s formal gowns and cutting your hair with the kitchen scissors.”

“That’s the problem,” I sighed. “I’m twenty-six years old. I’m not trying to say that means you should have known I was a cam girl, and I’m not even saying you should accept it. What I’m saying is, if I’m doing adult things, as an adult, I should at least get a proper hearing before being voted out.”

“You really shocked us,” she said.

“I know. I totally get that, and it’s been a week of well-deserved silent treatment. Now I’m in wedding panic mode, andspiraling, so I guess what I’m asking is, is there a world where we pretend nothing ever happened and everyone is none the wiser?”

She made a small, exasperated noise. The chirp of her keys unlocked her car and the heavy door whooshed open and thudded closed before the radio blared to life. Mia quickly dialed the volume down as the engine in her BMW thrummed to life.

“You know I can’t speak for Cami and Mia. I also can’t say that this isn’t questionable at best from my point of view. I mean, are you dead set on making America’s Horniest Home Videos for the rest of your life?”

A laugh escaped me. “Who knows?”

Not even I did. Tomorrow I might wake up and decide that I never wanted to make any new content ever again. That creative bug inside me could die, Mateo could change his mind about it, I could put my energy into working behind a camera instead of in front of it. Life could become busy in other ways.

“All I’m really asking for is solidarity,” I said. “Does that work?”

“If that’s what you need,” Mia said. “Don’t mention it, because this is as much for me as it is for you. God knows I don’t ever want to be on the receiving end of John Russo’s wrath. I’m stockpiling karma points.”

My lungs lightened. There was a breath caught in my throat that I pushed out heartily. I hadn’t won anything, but it felt like I should be crossing a finish line, or at the very least finishing a very tumultuous leg of a race.

“I'll win them over.” Though it was an inside thought, I spoke it out loud.

“Is that why you called? To figure out how deep of a hole you had to crawl out of?”

“Because my wedding is in three weeks, and I needed to know if I had to hire stand-in bridesmaids off Craigslist.”

“Your saving grace is that this wedding is a reflection of the entire Russo family. If we don’t look like one cohesive unit, it tarnishes Dad’s image, heaven forbid.” I could hear her eyes rolling. “He’s been way more self-aware lately, so don’t hold out for a drunken rehearsal dinner speech.”

“What’s the point of the dinner then?”

“Spending a thousand more dollars as quickly as humanly possible.”

“Oh, I did have one more question.” I pinned the phone between my shoulder and my ear and played nervously with my cuticles. “You didn’t try to look me up online, did you?” A beat passed, and my fingers stilled, eyes widening. Her non-answer was all the answer I needed. “Mia!”

“How are you going to drop on us that you’re some high-profile sex worker with people recognizing you out in Las Vegas nightclubs and not expect a little research to be done?”

She had a point, but it didn’t make it any less difficult to swallow. My tongue felt like a paperweight in my mouth. “And?”

“And we didn’t find anything, so you can unclutch your pearls.”

Relief rushed out in a sigh. The very first thing I was doing when Mateo got home was kissing his perfect cybergenius mouth. “More reason to leave Mom and Dad out of this. They would literally never know.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Mia’s voice bottomed out. “I have to go. I’m meeting a seller to take photos for a listing. My advice is to give the other two time. Bella is a snob, but she’s not without compassion. Camilla needs to get laid. Don’t go on Craigslist.”

“I won’t,” I replied with a little too much hopeful glee. Very kid in a candy shop with an empty plastic baggie and a dream. The line dropped and my phone plopped onto the comforter, me going right down with it and burying my face in a pillow to let out a dramatic muffled scream.

chapter forty

Mateo

I backedinto an open space at the back of the car lot and threw my truck into park. My hand lingered on the key fob like I might make the decision to rev it up again and peel out of the local VA hospital. Natalia squeaked against the seat, her thighs tacky on the hot leather as she twisted in my direction with a proud, empowering look on her sweet face. That face could make a man do anything. Like buck up and walk into an appointment with a government-mandated therapist for the first time.

---