Page 32 of For Pleasure Or Worse

I ignored him, picking up my beer for the first time and taking a generous few gulps. Which definitely piqued his attention. A worried crease formed between his eyebrows and Mateo swiped his hand down his chin, smoothing the hairs. Hairs I wondered if I’d ever feel on the insides of my thighs again after this.

Two plates of bar food marinated the air between us as we stared at each other and I could all but see the way my cheeks were blazing, panic rising as I searched hopelessly for the courage to saysomething, anything. Find a middle ground between us, a commonality to gracefully connect to the bomb I needed to drop.

There was no normal way to go about telling the man you’re seeing that you see other men by the thousands—virtually.

Mateo tilted his head. “Should I be worried?”

“Do you watch porn?” I rushed out.

Nailed it, Nat.

His eyes widened and he shifted awkwardly in his seat, thinking hard about his answer. “I…” Mateo shrugged indifferently. “I’ve dabbled.”

At least he was being honest. All men watched porn. They might say they don’t, or that it’s against their beliefs, that they’venever really been into it, or the absolute bullshit morality story that they can’t stand the way women in the industry are taken advantage of—but they’re fucking liars.

“How do you feel about the women in those videos?”

“Like, during the viewing of the video?” He pressed his fingers to the table. “Or are we talking in general?”

I almost laughed. “As a concept. Women who do pornography.”

He slowly picked up a chicken wing again, using it like a conductor’s baton. “I guess I always wonder what would make someone want to do that. But I don’t live under a fucking rock, and financially it’s a career that pays more than we can really fathom. So from a business perspective I’d say those women know exactly what they’re worth.”

“Right.” The column of my throat constricted.

“If the porn is a dealbreaker I can quit it cold turkey. I’m more than satisfied in that department, Tal. You’ll never have to say it twice.”

“No, that’s not it,” I garbled out. It was hard to make eye contact with him, I couldn’t bear it. “It’s more complicated than that.”

Mateo sat forward, grabbing my hand across the table. “Look, I know this has been nonstop since we met, and it’s usually bad news to give your all to someone right off the bat. But I can’t stop myself from doing that with you. I’ve never had this type of connection with someone so quickly. I feel like weknoweach other, Natalia. Like we fit in all the weirdest possible ways. I enjoy talking to you, and being around you, sitting insilence with you, waiting for you to get to my house at the end of the day, waking up with your head on my chest. Fuck, I know, I’m rambling.” He sighed. “If you need to slow down, I can do that. If you want to see each other less during the week, take a few days to do our own thing, whatever makes you more comfortable with seeing me, I’ll do it.”

“I don’t want to do that.” I shook my head. I really didn’t. I wanted this to stay exactly the same, the endless first date, giving my all to someone who felt the same way toward me. I wanted to be with Mateo Duran. “I like what we’re doing now.”

“Me too.” He let out a deep breath, wiping an invisible bead of sweat from his forehead. “I thought for a minute you were going to tell me you wanted to see other people.” He took a bite of his chicken wing.

“Mateo, I do porn.”

The chicken wing came sputtering back up.

Fucking hell, Natalia.

I winced, handing him a napkin across the table. Mateo was usually so easy to read—he wore all of his emotions on his sleeve or on his face—but this time his expression was a slate so blank I felt the emptiness of it like a spear to the chest. I couldn’t tell if he was going to erupt in anger or leave in silence. I’d never felt more ashamed of my life than in that moment because for a split second, I realized the path I chose might have cost me the man I was meant for, and I wanted to take it all back. I wanted to be me for him, not for me.

“I have a really successful page where I post pre-recorded videos and livestream. I also have personal clients who pay me for requests to do specific things. I’ve been supporting myself since I graduated college entirely on the money I make as a sex worker, and I enjoy it. I love creating and filming and being my own boss. It might sound stupid but it feels powerful in a way. The bank job…well, I fucking hate working at the bank, youknow that. But I keep it to use as a cover story for my family, or whoever else must know, and for insurance, the technical shit, what have you.”

His lips parted, but he didn’t say anything.

“I don’t date because, well, I can’t imagine that having this conversation gets easier, but you’re the first person I’ve ever cared enough about to have it with. You’re the first man I’ve ever told this to—the first person, actually. No one knows except for you. Not even my best friend, and that’s saying something. When you started talking to me in the bank and brought me that coffee, my hesitation wasn’t because I wasn’t interested in you, I wasdefinitelyinterested,” I stressed. “I knew that I was going to fall for you, because you were charming, and direct, and confident, and I was already thinking about kissing you before you walked away, so I was trying to protect myself from the inevitable heartbreak. I haven’t worked since that first night we spent together. It didn’t feel right and I was trying to let what happened between us make my decision for me, and now it has. I know how selfish it was not to say anything right away, to let you feel the way you do about me and then rip it all out from underneath you. And I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry. I would never blame you for wanting to walk away. I just needed to tell you this before we got any more involved.”

Silence. More deafening, soul-crushing silence, and I wanted to fucking kick myself for getting even a dollop of hope up for this going differently than I had expected it would. Mateo opened his mouth to say something and then let it fall closed without a word and that window with a silver lining slammed closed with it. A piece of me cracked and shattered.

“Okay.” I nodded, gathering myself to save the humiliation. I tucked my phone into my bag and pulled out my wallet to cover the food on the table. My hands were shaking, and I couldn’tstand being in my own skin or looking at him when I could feel all my insecurities coming to life while he remained quiet.

When I stood from the sticky leather booth, Mateo’s hand shot out to wrap around my wrist and my breath caught on a gasp. I finally looked up and tears sprang to my eyes. My heart was beating hard against my ribs. I’d already given in to the fallout and didn’t know what to do with myself now.

He swallowed, and guided me back down to my seat without letting go of my arm. The pads of his fingers were tight against my pulse. “Will you tell me more about it?”

“I’ll tell you anything.” Honesty was the least I could give him. He deserved to know all the details so I wouldn’t hold back.

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