Page 55 of For Pleasure Or Worse

"I'm losing my mind, Pike. I miss walking around the house with my dick out just because I could."

"I don't miss that."

"Things have gotten on top of me. I mean, work is hell, the days are long because I'm out late doing installs, and then I get home and have to do the other stuff with Tally with Mom and Pop down the hall. It’s not looking good on the business end."

“The porn business?”

There was a splinter in the fence that I picked at. "Yeah. She was so caught up in every detail for the wedding and now it’s like she’s half with me and half somewhere else. Her family is fucking with her head. I almost had to fight her prick of a dad and I know that's weighing on her. We're just operating on different wavelengths right now."

"Well hey, you got help at TechOps, right? Training a new hire?"

I scratched at the back of my neck. "What if I told you I never hired anyone?"

His sigh crackled through the receiver. "Cap, what the fuck?"

"Listen, I know, all right? You gotta keep this to yourself. Tally thinks the hiring pool is dry, and I can't hit her with that mess right now, okay? When the wedding is over and all this shit dies down, I'll hire someone and figure it out. Right now, I'm too deep into the lie to claw my way out."

Pike was silent on the other end and I could almost see him with a judgmental hand on his hip. "I told you it was too much work for one person."

"It doesn't matter now. You know I can't trust people easily, especially not with things like my business. I wasn't ready to bring on a stranger."

"Are you going to tell her that you lied?"

"You're making it sound way worse than it actually is," I said. "You're supposed to be on my side."

"You're a dumbass," Pike replied bluntly.

"I know that." I rolled my shoulders and leaned into the fence, shredding the blades of grass at my feet with the toe of my shoe. My mind crept into the anxiety spells and how hard I’d been working to hide that from Tally as well. "Hey, can I ask you about something personal?"

"Shoot."

The right words were hard to find and I trampled over what I was trying to say before landing on it. "Do you…" Pause. "Are there times when…" Pause. I cleared my throat. "Have you ever thought that our time in the service might have fucked you up a little bit?"

"Cap, I had reconstructive back surgery after I crashed a helicopter."

I probably should have been more literal. "Not physically."

He quieted, shuffling farther away from the background noise. "You okay, Brother?"

"Yeah."I don't know."No. But it's nothing crazy."

“Define not crazy,” Pike said.

There was absolutely no reason for me to be embarrassed. Pike was my best friend. I knew what was happening to me was normal, but for some reason saying it out loud felt so vulnerable my heart was lurching against my ribs. "I've been having these episodes lately, where I kind of shut down. It happened in front of Tally and my parents. You know me, I’m always on. That never happens to me, and it certainly never happened in Delta. But a few times now, I get overwhelmed and the stress destabilizes me. I black out, and feel like I can't catch my breath. I don't know what to do, man. I'm always scared now waiting for it to happen again."

"Sounds like panic attacks," Pike said. “Have you talked to anyone about it? That might alleviate some of this. There's a lot of resources for veterans, Cap.”

“You're probably right." I sighed. "I feel like I'm losing my grip on everything right now."

"You know O and I will do everything we can. You're balancing a lot, and you might think you've lost your touch, but you haven't. Your health is a priority.”

Hearing that was simple, but effective. Now that I’d put it out there for Pike, there was no way I could deny or fall back on it, either. “I'll call the VA.”

"Thank you for trusting me with that. I know the Swan boys would be right here with me saying the same thing. No shame in admitting you need some help. We lost too many already to pretend this shit doesn't exist for veterans.”

"Thanks for having my back," I said. "I miss you around here."

"I don't miss those thin ass walls."

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