Page 13 of One of Our Own

Omg you’re up. I never thought you’d be up!!! Can I call you?

Of course. You can always call me. That’s why I gave you my number.

I headed downstairs to make coffee as I answered her call.

FELICIA:Hey, hon, I’m sorry you can’t sleep.

CHLOE:I never sleep anymore.

FELICIA:You will again someday, I promise. It just doesn’t feel like it right now.

CHLOE:How do you know all this stuff?

FELICIA:I told you, I’ve been through it. All of it. Not just the incident, but everything that happens afterward. The stuff people don’t talk about. You know, I slept in my closet for two months after my attack. With a bat in one hand and pepper spray in the other.

CHLOE:Really?[deep sigh] I kinda like knowing there’s someone else that’s been through it.

FELICIA:There’s lots of us. You’d be surprised. I know you feel all alone and that there’s nobody else in the world right now that gets it, but other peoplehavebeen through what you’ve been through. Maybe not exactly the same, but there are so many sexual assault survivors. If we looked, we could probably find a support group for you somewhere. I bet they have one just for teenagers.

CHLOE:I keep trying to talk to my friend about what happened, the one who was there, but she doesn’t want to talk about it. She wants to pretend like it never happened. Which I get. Totally easy for her, right? She remembers nothing and she wasn’t in the video, so her life isn’t ruined. You know what’s wild? She acts likeImade it all up. Looks at me like I’m crazy.

FELICIA:I’m sorry she’s treating you that way. Her response doesn’t have anything to do with you, though, you know that, right? She’s trying to keep herself safe. That kind of thinking protects her from having to admit the same thing happened to her.

CHLOE:I hate it. It’s like she doesn’t even want to talk to me. Not just about what happened. She’s practically ignoring me right now. Like,normally I’d be calling her, but instead I’m calling some old lady I don’t even know. I— Oh my god, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to— I was just…

FELICIA:[laughing] It’s okay, I get it. Trust me, I understand we’re in kind of a strange situation here, and I’m just glad you have someone to talk to, even if it is just some old lady.

[Small laugh from Chloe. Long pause]

FELICIA:Does anything help get you to sleep?

CHLOE:Thinking about what I’m going to do to them. Sometimes that’s the only thing that helps. But I just get really scared. [pauses] Did that ever happen to you? Like, you feel like it’s happening to you again, right in the moment?

FELICIA:Sometimes. There’s a word for that, you know? It’s called PTSD. Lots of people have it after they experience a traumatic event. I did. For a long time. Like I said, sometimes I still do, but it gets better over time. I know I keep saying that, but it’s only because I know it’s true, and if you can just hold on long enough to get there, it’ll happen for you, too. It won’t always hurt this bad.

CHLOE:Sometimes it gets so bad I don’t think I’m going to be able to stand it. That’s when I close my eyes supertight and I just picture myself shooting them in their faces over and over again. It’s this violent scene I let play out but it calms me down.

FELICIA:[swallows hard] I understand.

[soft sniffles]

CHLOE:I don’t know how I’m going to make it through tonight.

FELICIA:Do you like baths?

CHLOE:Um, yeah, sometimes.

FELICIA:What if you just got in the bath?

CHLOE:I guess I could…

FELICIA:Why don’t you try that? Just soak. Let the water hold you for a minute.

[pause]

CHLOE:Okay… I’m gonna go.

FELICIA:Text me in a few hours and let me know how you’re feeling, okay?

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