Page 16 of One of Our Own

FELICIA:What’s on it?

CHLOE:I’m running around naked, trying to find my clothes. I fall off the bed at the beginning. And I sort of remember that. Because it felt like my arms and my legs wouldn’t work right, like I told you before? I was all floppy. My brain kept telling me to do different things, but I couldn’t move. Then I charge at the person filming. That’s when everyone laughs.

FELICIA:Do you recognize any of the boys?

CHLOE:No, of course not. They’re not dumb. They don’t show their faces, and they barely talk. They just laugh. That’s what I remember the most. How they laughed. [deep sigh, resigned] I can’t do this. I’m not going back. Everyone hates me and wishes I were dead. I might as well do them a favor.

FELICIA:That’s not true! I understand how it must feel that way right now, but everybodydoesn’thate you. There are people in your life that love you so much. Can we come up with a list of people that love you? And maybe we could pick one of those people to talk to? You might feel better if you let someone in your life know how you were feeling, so they could help you.

CHLOE:There’s no help. Nothing’s going to make this better.

FELICIA:But you won’t know if you don’t try.

CHLOE:Did you really feel like this? Like your life was over?

FELICIA:Yes, I did. I promise you. I know what it’s like to be so afraid you can’t sleep at night, and you can’t stop thinking about what happened even when you want to. How little sounds scare you. Remember how I told you that I slept in my closet for two months after it happened?

CHLOE:That’s right… I’m sorry.

FELICIA:Thank you. But I was so lucky to have people who held me up. My mom, my sisters, my friends. I couldn’t do it alone. You’re not going to be able to do it alone either. [pause] Is there anyone you can talk to that can help you? I know you’re scared to tell your parents, but I bet they love you more than anything in the world.

CHLOE:They’re going to be so disappointed in me. I just wanna die. I don’t want to be here anymore.

FELICIA:[unsteady] Okay… How about this? The option to end things is always going to be there, right?

CHLOE:[hesitantly] Yes?

FELICIA:So, here’s what I’m thinking. Why don’t you give your parents achanceto help you first? Let them know what happened to you, and give them an opportunity to be there for you. Just try. See if it makes you feel any better. What do you have to lose at this point? If it doesn’twork, and you still feel the same way, then we can talk about other options. Figure out what you want to do next. But at least you tried.

CHLOE:You really think I should tell my parents?

FELICIA:Absolutely. I think you should at least give it a try. I know I keep saying this, but what do you have to lose?

[Long pause]

CHLOE:I’ll think about it… maybe I will…

She hung up before I could say anything else. The powerlessness of the situation washed over me. How awful for her to go to school alongside the boys that had assaulted her. To have to be in the same building as her rapists. No wonder she was feeling so terrible. I wanted to get her out of there, but I couldn’t do it on my own. She was going to have to tell somebody besides me. Someone who was actually a part of her life and could help her. I crossed my fingers like a superstitious kid blowing out birthday candles that she was telling her parents right now.

There was something profoundly unsettling about knowing there was a group of boys right here in town who were that cruel. How could Hunter have anything to do with that?

He wouldn’t. He couldn’t.

Was what she said about everyone seeing the video true? If that many people had seen it, wouldn’t at least one person have told an adult or reported it to someone? And why hadn’t Hunter seen it? He seemed to know about all of the social drama, but I hadn’t been through his phone since that first night. What if he had one of those burner apps Stan told me about? What if all his friends did? Was Hunter hiding a secret life from me the same way this poor girl was hiding this from her parents?

There was only one way to find out.

CHAPTER TEN

I walked into Hunter’s room and was immediately flooded with guilt over what I was about to do. I never snooped through his stuff. I respected his boundaries and his space. My mother was terrible about going through my things when I was growing up—there was absolutely no privacy or boundaries in my house. She read my journal in seventh grade, and I felt so violated that I never kept another journal. I vowed never to be that way when I had my own kids, and I’d stuck to it, so being in here felt inherently wrong. But given the circumstances, I knew it was something I had to do. My mind wouldn’t let me rest until I’d looked.

It’d been over an hour since I got off the phone with the girl, and I just kept wondering what was going on with her. Her situation consumed my thoughts. Had she listened to me? Did she decide to tell her parents? Was she talking to them right now? I kept trying to send her positive and supportive energy through some kind of mental telepathy. I really hoped she told them. Would I hear from her afterward? Probably not. If she had her parents and people around her that cared about her, there wouldn’t be a need for me anymore. I already felt some of the weight leaving me with the possibility of not carrying the load. But I wasn’t out of the woods yet.

I took a quick scan of Hunter’s room, smiling at the tidy space. Unlike most teenagers, whose rooms looked like war zones, Hunter was neat and organized. He was meticulous about keeping his room clean, and it was a trait he’d inherited from me. I’d always used cleaning as a way of managing my anxiety. Something about straightening my environment helped me organize my thoughts. We were alike in so many ways.

His bed was done up and nicely made. His stuffed animals in a pullout drawer underneath it. His bookshelf was full of anime and other comic books. One of my proudest accomplishments as a mom was that I’d raised a reader. Our Barnes & Noble day trips were some of my fondest memories. The walls were decorated with posters of his favorite bands. Ones I’d never heard of before, with names like Blackpink and Glass Animals.

I stood in the middle of the room with my hands on my hips, anxiously going around in circles. I didn’t even know what I was looking for, but after my conversation with the girl, I’d felt compelled to come in here and search. I’d gotten her to agree to tell her parents, and I didn’t feel like I could rest until I’d done everything I could to settle matters with Hunter. Even if the two things were disconnected, he’d still lied to me about staying over at Shai’s that night. He’d never lied to me before, and nobody lied without a reason.

---