Page 120 of Cut Me Down

That is, until Ashia squeezes my hand and rubs my arm a little. That slight, adoring touch sends me to my feet and up to the podium.

I stand and stare at all of the faces, only to be brought back to Marissa. I want to look at my little wolf, and find my comfort in her, but right now all I can imagine is her in the same position. That realization shakes me and keeps my gaze from lingering on her for more than a second. How two nights ago she sat up for hours and waited for me to come back. Her fear of what might happen to me crippled her. Questioning if she would even be notified if I died. Of course she would, my men know exactly how much she means to me.

She doesn’t know their orders, that if something ever did happen to me, they are not to leave her side. I haven’t told her about the bank account I set up for her, or my idea of putting her name on the deed to my house. When we get married, that separate account will merge back with what will be our joint account, and the house would be left to her, but for now it’s just a precaution. She’d kill me for thinking like that, but I had to after Henry died. I don’t want her being alone again…

I breathe deep and literally shake the thoughts away as I gather up the courage to speak.

“I always knew that a day like today would come. When we’d have to bury one of our own, but no amount of worrying and paranoia could have prepared us for this. Any of us. Henry was special and not in the ways he liked to joke about, that’s for Marissa to tell.” Quiet laughter rings through the room, but I only focus on Marissa’s. Her sweet giggles reaching all the way up to the podium.

“He loved to laugh, and joke, and fuck with us all.” More laughter. “He would prank The Basement at night when he locked up just to send us the security footage the next morning. He got me good once when Batman fell out of a ceiling tile.” More laughter emits from the crowd, and I catch my little wolf smiling at me. Giving me the courage to continue. “Yeah, you guys remember that one. I could stand up here all day and tell stories about what we do and how great he was at it. All of the lives he saved, but that’s not what he’d want me to talk about. His one and only true love was his family.” I look back at Marissa and see her flash a small smile.

“He loved his family more than anything else in this world. Every time I saw him, he had some new story about Bella making him wear a princess crown, or Jeremiah having a favorite ducky toy or something. I swear I’ve seen more pictures and videos of those kids than I have all of my cousin’s kids, and you guys know how many of those there are.”

“Hell yeah.” I hear someone say from the back before more laughter rings out.

“But Marissa…” She looks back up at me. “You are his life, and he will live on through you. Every time he went out, the last thing he did was look at your picture in his locker, because he knew what he had to come back to. He was so mesmerized by you as a mother and a wife. If he did this job for anyone, it was for you. Your goodness and the light he saw in you fueled him and that carried over to how much he cared for us. I swear to you, that I don’t take his death lightly. We will not stop until we think Henry would have been satisfied with our work ending. And we know that day will never come.”

“Amen!” I hear someone, I think Alex, scream from the back.

“He will always be a part of every single one of us, present and future. I didn’t want to do this here, but Marissa insists that I do.” She enthusiastically nods her head at me. “Henry had a great idea, and when he told me about it, I could feel his enthusiasm for it. His true desire to do something more. After all he did, he never felt he did enough. Which is insane to me because that man put his heart and soul into everything he did. He sat me down and told me this idea, and I remember looking at him and saying, ‘fuck yes.” Laughter and whooping ring through the room.

“So, with his help, Melanie, Carter, and I are one step away from a housing project for the women and children we rescue. It’s a couple hours out, far away from society.” More laughs. “Not only is it housing, but we have begun the stages to have medical and therapeutic staff on site, but that’s all details for later. Because it’s in an unestablished area, we had the honor of naming the streets and neighborhood, and with Marissa’s permission and blessing, we’d proudly like to unveil the Henry Woods Revitalization Community.” Whoops and clapping emit from everyone, and I look at my little wolf to see a genuine smile sprout from her face. Nothing but love and pride radiating from her eyes.

“Alright, alright, shut up.” I tell everyone as laughter follows. Keeping the mood light. “Marissa, I know you feel empty right now. I can’t imagine the pain and agony in your chest, but I want you to know that you’re not alone. If you ever need anything, you can come to us. You’re family, and that’s not changing. Henry gave you everything you could have ever wanted, and you may not have wanted us…” laughter rings again. “But he gave you us too, and family is everything to us.” She nods and smiles at me as tears stream down her face.

“For Henry!” I hear Zeke yell.

“For Henry!” Everyone, including my little wolf, yells back.

“This isn’t goodbye…” I turn and look at his coffin, burning actually emitting in the back of my eyes. “We’ll see you later, man.”

We’re on our way home. For the last little bit of the funeral, we all stood around and talked about Henry. All of the pranks and good times. Ashia talked with a lot of the other wives and girlfriends. She exchanged phone numbers with a lot of them, including Marissa. They really seemed to hit it off, and she walked Bella around the funeral home towards the end when she started to get fussy. That little girl clung to her like she’d known her since she was born. Ashia is really good with kids; they gravitate towards her. I suppose they know a good heart when they see it.

I’ve shown her everything about me now. I laid it down at her feet and she took it all in with open arms. The good, the bad, the ugly, she wants it all with me, and I don’t know how to contain my feelings for her anymore. I feel like they’re leaking out of my chest and recycling back through my blood stream. She invades every thought and is the miniscule electric current that keeps my heart beating.

I’m trying to think of the perfect way to propose to her. I don’t want to do it in a big crowd or in the middle of a restaurant. She’d have a stroke, but she deserves more than just me assuming she’ll marry me. Hopefully I won’t lose control again and ask her while I'm ramming myself inside her.

I still can’t believe I choked her last night. I was so fucking mad at myself until she looked at me with that sweet, brown, puppy stare. Not an ounce of fear flashed through them, and I about worshiped her at her feet because of it. She really isn’t afraid of me anymore.

I thought by showing her my violence, and the darkness of my life, she’d run away. Cower, and find every small detail to hate, but she didn’t. She loves me anyway, and for her to trust me with something as serious as choking, is fucking with my head. I should’ve checked with her first but fuck I can’t resist her. It’s like a primal instinct takes over when I touch her. I feel ravenous, vicious even. I just can't get enough of her. I’ll never have enough of her, and any minute without her touch, her voice, her God damn smile is a minute too long. I need her, forever, and I won’t waste any more time.

I look over at her, and I see she’s looking out the window. Her beautiful features outline by the sun, though her eyes look watery. Fuck, she’s crying. Was it something I said? Was it something I did? Did she have some huge realization that she doesn’t feel what she thought she did for me? Fuck, I couldn’t handle that.

“What’s wrong, baby?” I ask her as I put my hand on her thigh. Squeezing it gently to attempt to coerce her into sharing with me. She entangles her fingers in mine and looks at me. Her eyes wide and watery. Filled with longing and sorrow.

“You said the only way you’d lose me is if someone pried me from your cold, dead hands.” I hear her voice shake with her words. Her words weaken me with every syllable. “But you can’t leave me like that either, okay?”Oh, thank fucking God…I reach up and wipe a tear from her cheek. My thumb shaking lightly with relief. “The other night, when you stormed out, I was terrified. All of these questions kept popping up in my mind of who I would call and tell if something happened to you, and if your men would even notify me if something did. Marissa is much stronger than me, because my heart couldn’t take this. You’re stuck with me, okay? I can’t lose you…” She starts sobbing and it breaks my fucking heart. “You can’t leave me, but especially not like that.” I caress her face to calm her.

“I willneverleave you, baby.”

“I know how unreasonable it is, but swear to me?” I huff out a small laugh before I pull her face to mine and push our soft lips together. Displaying my commitment as genuinely as I can.

“I. Swear.” I mean that. I'll sell my soul and literally crawl out of the depths of hell to be with her. To protect her from that pain. My men are never going to have to show up on our doorstep and deliver that news. She will never have to go back to the void of her life without me in it.

I promised to give her whatever she wanted, and if she wants me in her life forever, that’s what she’ll fucking get. I realized weeks ago how unhinged and obsessive my feelings for her were, but I don’t give a fuck anymore. I do swear that I’ll never leave her, and I know its irrational for me to swear something like that, but I fucking mean it, and there’s not a single thing on this planet that will rip me from her. I may become something unholy in the process, but every sacrifice is worth it for her.

Chapter forty-three

Ashia

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