Page 125 of Cut Me Down

“Damien? Can I get you anything, sweetheart?” I think I hear Serena’s mom, Marla, ask me. Her parents arrived a couple of hours ago. They’ve tried to talk to me, but I haven’t been able to move…I'm frozen, staring at her…holding my breath for the moment she opens her eyes. I haven’t let go of her hand, and she hasn’t moved…not an inch…

Carter called Zeke and told him to take point until further notice…I can’t think right now, and I'm certainly not in the right head space to be working…our lungs are working on a machine…I can't breathe. I stood up to stretch my legs, and I knew that if I walked out of this room, or let go of her hand, even for just a moment, that I’d never see her again…So I immediately sat back down. I'm not letting her out of my sight…

Her words from the past few weeks keep playing in my head over and over…when you're done with this game I'll either be dead or wish I was…she isn’t just a game, she is everything to me, she knows that…right?

When…if…she wakes up, she’ll blame me for this. Hell, how could she not? I blame myself.

Fuck, why didn’t I tell her I love her sooner…why couldn’t I have just said it? I didn't want her to think I only said it in lust, I wanted her to know I mean it. We were going to do so many things. She was going to be so happy. No, she is happy…was…

I try to think of her face standing in the doorway this afternoon, the bright sun shining over her. She was so relaxed…I watched as her fears left her body, only to be replaced minutes later…You can’t promise to put me back together then break me again. I won’t survive it…I'm sorry…I'm so sorry baby…Her face, when she couldn’t breathe is haunting me…as she closed her eyes, it was like her soul left her then…the world just seemed so dark…

Serena’s words run through my head next…Don’t take her feelings for you lightly, because if I have to pick her up off the floor again, I’m not sure she’ll survive it…how could I have let this happen? How did I not know someone was in our house?…Why couldn’t you have just left her alone!...

I feel like I'm losing my mind…that haunting look in her eyes flash every time I close my mine…I don’t want her last moments being scared…those weren’t her last moments, they couldn’t be…I look at my phone at our pictures and it seems like an eternity ago now…even though it was just last night…her smile and genuine laugh as she played Uno. The cute way she taunted Zander after she faked him out playing football. How she genuinely loved my dramatics, and the way she smiled and cooed over Melanie’s son…it all had my heart soaring…

And now I see her, lying in front of me…yet she feels so far away…can she feel my hand in hers? Did she hear me beg her to stay with me? I'll scream it if that’s what it takes...I’ll kneel to God and wager with whatever he wants…please don’t leave me…

I jump to my feet as the heart monitor starts beeping loudly and sounds an alarm as her body starts jerking…my stomach turns, and a wave of frozen fear washes through me…I reach out for her, but in the same instant I'm being drug back by Carter and two other men. They can’t take her from me…Her hand slips from mine, and I lose it.

I start flailing my arms, and jerking my elbows back, trying to break free. I manage to make contact with someone before they literally throw me out of the room.

“ASHIA!” I scramble back up and fight past them for another nurse to slam the door in my face. “FUCKING LET ME IN!” Carter tries to hold me back as I ram my shoulder into the door, but it doesn’t budge. So, I ram into it again…and again…

“D! Stop! They’re trying to help her!” I feel two more arms wrap around behind me again and forcefully pull me away from the door.

“That’s enough, Damien!” His familiar voice cracks against my ear, and a warmth washes over my body. Suddenly I'm twelve years old again…

“Dad?...” My voice breaks.

“I'm here, son. I'm here.” I feel my knees buckle as he pulls me back and into the chair in the hall. He then grasps the back of my neck with his hand and presses our foreheads together. “Take a deep breath, son. They’re going to do everything they can for her.” I try to catch my breath.

“She’s dying…” I choke out.

“You don’t know that, but you have to let them work or she will.” He lets me go and starts pacing with his arms crossed. Serena walked her parents back to the waiting room. They said they couldn’t watch this…I don’t blame them. This is torture…

An eternity flies by, it seems, before the doctor steps out and the other nurses leave…I catch a glimpse of her as they open the door, and they removed the tube from her throat…I remember what that means…

Images of Emma’s death flash in my head…we watched as they pumped her chest and shocked her. Only to watch them remove the tube shortly after…I didn’t know what it meant then…all I remember was my mom screaming that she was dead…NOT MY DAUGHTER!...she’s gone…Ashia’s gone…

Time slows as I see the doctor talking to me, but I don’t hear anything other than the constant ringing in my ears…I don’t hear my heart in my ears anymore, my heart has stopped…I don’t feel cold, or warm, and I don’t feel myself shaking…hollowness has taken over…there’s nothing anymore. My life is gone…

I eye the security guard walking by, and I pull his pistol from his holster, pointing it at the doctor. They’re going to let me in that God damn room. I'm going to hold her before I go. I hear Serena say something as she holds her hands out to me, but it’s very muffled, and I don’t give a fuck what she has to say…

Nothing matters anymore. I don’t feel the weight of the gun, or the normal heat my chest emits when I kill…nothing…there’s nothing…any remnants of humanity I had left, she took with her.

Still pointing the gun, I back my way into her room and lock the door. My life is gone. My breath was taken from me five hours ago… Five hours of hope, now mean nothing. It took sixty seconds for my life to end, and five more hours to realize it. I'm just a shell now. A shell of a failure. A shell of the man she loved. I look at her and immediately feel dizzy once more.

“This isn’t real…” I whisper to myself as I make my way to her and hold my free hand to her cheek…she’s still warm. God I already miss the way I could feel her smile grow under my hold… “I love you…” my vision of her is blurred by tears. “I should’ve just said it. The moment you started slinging your head around, when you shot the straw wrapper at me and laughed so hard you shed tears…and later that night when you nestled your face against me in your sleep…I knew then…” I reach down and press my lips to hers, wishing more than anything she could kiss me back. I'd give anything for it. I stand up straight, and run my hand over her beautiful hair one last time…

“I love you, Ashia…I promised to crawl from the depths of hell back to you. I promised that nothing would separate us, not even heaven or hell. So, I'm coming for you…” I raise the pistol to my head…

“I…” I gasp and drop the pistol as I hear something groan it’s way out of her mouth. Did I just fucking hear that?... Is my mind playing tricks?

Suddenly everything comes rushing back. I hear my heartbeat flood my head and the slow beeping from the monitor plays through. The heart monitor is beeping… Her fucking heart is beating… Shaking immensely, I grab her face and wipe my tears falling on her face, her eyes twitching with the movement…

“Ashia, baby, open your eyes…” I watch her struggle to flutter her eyes open, but she does it. Those beautiful golden eyes try to focus on me… “That’s my good girl…” She struggles to keep them open, and I see her mouth move as she tries to speak… “Don’t talk baby, it’s okay…you're okay…just save your energy.”

“I…love you too…” I release the breath I’ve been holding for hours…before today, I don’t think I’ve cried since Emma’s funeral…but I don’t care…I press my forehead head to hers as I feel her hand reach up and touch my arm…I can breathe again…

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