Page 63 of Cut Me Down

Have I pushed her too far? Dug too deep into her past and her memories, causing them to resurface so violently? What could have possibly happened to her to be so tormented like this?

I hear her start wheezing slightly as her breathing picks up. Then from the weight shift in the door, and the dragging sound, I can tell she’s sliding down the door and onto the floor. My heart immediately sinks, and I start to work on the door handle. Turning it back and forth, pushing and pulling lightly as I do so. Hoping that this cheap, piece-of-shit knob will give in and allow me to open the door, but it doesn’t. It doesn’t fucking budge, and my heart might be beating as fast as hers is now.

“Ashia, either you let me in or I'm breaking the fucking door.” I plead, unable to hide the shakiness and worry in my own voice. Surprise shocks my body like an electric current when shuffled movement comes from the other side. The moment the lock clicks, I turn the knob and push the door open. Careful not to thrust so hard that I could hurt her.

I open the door to find her on her knees in front of me. Her hands are squeezed tightly between her thighs, and her eyes are heavy and red. The sight immediately weakens my knees, and I almost fall down beside her. Mustering whatever strength I can, I bend down and pick her up. Careful not to jostle her too much as the worry drains from my body the moment I touch her. Making me weak once again. Gently cradling her against my chest, I walk her to the counter and set her down on top of it. The cold surface against her bare skin will help snap her body out of whatever frantic defense mode it reverted to.

“Look at me, little wolf.” I beg, as she lazily lifts her teary vision to me. Her lips are trembling, and her eyes droop about as much as her eyelids. I’m having to hold her rocking head steady as she tries to focus her gaze upon me. She’s clearly on the verge of passing out, and I feel the familiar waves of protectiveness and possessiveness wash over me. “Keep your eyes on me and keep your head up.” I grab the hand towel off of the hanger, and get it wet with cool water before I place it on the back of her neck. Gently placing her hands in one another, I wrap my hand around her wrists and pull them up above her. Pinning them against the wall. Not so much so that I'm restricting her, but enough so it opens up her chest cavity. “Now take deep breaths for me.”

She tries, but they keep catching. The constriction in the way she breathes sets a clear picture of how hard she is really struggling. She begins to let her head fall, and her eyes start to roll, but I lift her chin with my finger to tell her to keep her head up. I feel her lips tremble beneath my touch, and right now I want nothing more than this to end for her. I take deep breaths with her. Slowly and drug out, instructing her to do the same. Much like on the night we met, and it only takes a few times before she’s able to breathe a little gentler.

“There you go baby, that’s good. Keep going.” She finally is able to take a shaky deep breath. A whimper escaping her lips as she feels the tension leave her lungs, and I lower her arms back down before I take the towel off of her neck and wipe the sweat off of her face with it.

“I'm sorry…” She chokes out through tears, and I feel a real pang of pain in my chest. Her words stabbing my pulsing muscle with a knife. I cup my hands around her face and gently wipe the tears away. Caressing her sweet, soft cheeks in such an adoring gesture, it takes me by surprise. She shudders slightly against my touch, but then quickly leans into it.

“Don’t you fucking apologize to me, Ashia. You havenothingto be sorry about.” I preach. Every ounce of conviction shining in it. She swallows hard and looks down at the ground. Almost as if she’s ashamed. My heart breaks even more for her, and I can almost feel the pieces dropping into my stomach.

Once I make sure she’s steady enough for me to step away, I walk out to the bedroom. Grabbing her favorite blanket and taking it into the bathroom to wrap around her. She feels vulnerable enough, she doesn’t need to sit in front of me completely exposed. Not like we don’t lay next to each other naked every night, but she doesn’t need to feel any more endangered than she does right now. I don’t know whether to give her space or try to comfort her.

If I had the choice, I’d wrap my arms around her so tightly that not even the strongest jaws of life could pry me away. I’d hold her so close to my chest that I would breathe enough for both of us. But as much as I want to do that, I know this needs to be about her. What she wants and needs, and whatever it’s going to take to ease this pain for her.

I gently run my hands over her covered shoulders to try and allow her to feel some other touch than what she remembered in her dream, and she shocks me by laying her head on my chest. Resting her forehead right in the middle. Close enough to hear the rapid, forceful beats of my heart. She takes another shaky breath as she buries her face into my skin. The tension in her shoulders loosening with the exhale. I hesitantly wrap my arms around her and rest my head on hers, encasing her body with mine, as if I’m shielding her from the threat I can’t see.

“Do you want to talk about it?” I say before taking a deep breath of my own. Inhaling the perfect aroma of her vanilla mixed in with my natural musk. She takes another deep breath, this one a little clearer than the last, as my hand makes its way up and down her back. Grazing the ridges of her spine.

“Not in detail.” She speaks, a little louder than before, and I can’t help but huff out a small laugh. Relieved that she’s able to speak clearly. I nod in response.

“Okay.” She nudges her face into my chest, and I kiss the top of her head. Allowing my lips to linger a little longer than necessary.

It’s only now that I realize I’m not only comforting her like this, but also comforting myself. I hate seeing her like this, the sympathy pains originate in my chest, but then spread throughout my entire body. It’s making me so fucking angry. Who caused this? Who did this to her? The obvious answer is her slimy, burden, ex. But, what if it’s not? Why do the people who hurt her have to be fucking dead? They deserve much worse than what they got, and I would’ve loved to present that to them.

“Who did this to you, baby?” My words come out more aggressively than I intended. “Your parents or Cooper?” She inhales deeply again.

“Both…” Well, that’ll do it. I probably would’ve woken up like that to if I saw the same thing she did. “I'm sorry…” I know she can’t help it, but it aggravates the hell out of me when she apologizes. She should never have to apologize for her feelings.

“Ashia…”

“Cooper used to get upset when I would wake up like this…” I tighten my hold on her, afraid it’s to the point of crushing her, but I can’t help it. He did unimaginable things to her, and then would get pissed off when she would show any emotions to it? Knowing what her parents did to her, and he had no fucking sympathy?

I hate that mother fucker.

“I know you’re not Cooper, and I know I need to stop comparing our relationship to him. It’s just hard in the moment sometimes…” Our relationship? Those words alone might make me faint.

“I understand baby girl, you don’t have to explain yourself to me. Ever. Sometimes our brains like to remind us that we're not truly over our past. It’s not something you can just turn off. It’s okay to feel this way.” She nods and goes back to burying her head in my chest. Gently moving my hand to the back of her head, I easily grab the base and caress her scalp with my fingers. She’s not shaking near as much anymore, and her breathing has finally evened out. “What do you need from me baby?” I whisper, and she shakes her head in the most adorable, bunting way.

“Nothing that you’re not already giving me.” A slight grin creeps on my face as I inhale her scent again.

“Then I'll stand here all night.” I gently rub her back with my other hand, and after a few minutes I feel her arms emerge from the blanket and wrap around my torso. I move my hand from the base of her neck to the top of her head and begin raking my fingers down her scalp. Just like she likes it. “I’ve got you, baby.” She lifts her head to look up to me, and I lower my gaze to meet hers. Those sweet, ember eyes look up at me with so much sincerity that it makes my mouth dry.

“I know.” Her sweet brown eyes glisten at me, and only from instinct, I reach down and place a tender kiss on her forehead. My chest swelling with a contagious warmth.

“You ready to go back to bed?” She nods her head at me, and I pick her back up. Carrying her bridal style back into the bedroom. Her arms snake around my neck in a tight comforting hold, and she mimics my caress on the back of my neck.

“You’re going to spoil me you know?” A small smirk finally emerges on her face, and it takes my breath away. Spoil her? She thinks taking care of her is spoiling her? She has no idea what’s she’s in for. I rest my forehead against hers, and stare into those golden globes that have me so entrapped.

“Little wolf, you have no fucking idea.” I lay her down on the bed and be sure that her blanket covers her before I lay underneath the comforter. Personally, I’d love to feel her skin touch me all night, but I know tonight she needs that sliver of space. Even though she wants to be next to me, she needs to feel that control of what she touches, and I'll let her have it tonight.

Chapter twenty-three

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