Page 72 of Cut Me Down

I'm not sure I’ve caught a smile that genuine from her since the first night I saw her. She’s excited. So much so, that she loops her arm in mine as we begin walking toward the stages. I hand her the smoothie I made, and she starts downing it. Good thing they have a food truck here. I imagine it won’t be long before she actually gets hungry. That protein milk she uses won’t hold her over for long, but I know that her smoothies are more than a food source for her. They’re also a way to provide some comfort, and I make sure to watch meticulously as she makes them.

I shouldn’t worry about her eating as much as I am, but ever since that first morning, it bothers me when it seems like she starves herself. She’s not skin and bones. She’s fit, and actually has some muscle to her, but I don’t want her falling back into the state of not eating or not being able to keep anything down. Her mind has been racing lately, and I’ve noticed her eating less and less. Not on my watch, I'll shove food down her throat if I need to. In the gentlest way, of course.

My excitement for tonight started when I first found out about the pop-up, but seeing her face light up the way it did? Made tonight even more exhilarating. I love concerts, especially ones with rock music and mosh pits, but I’m not normally too picky. I haven’t told her I like rock music yet, and she’d probably think I was lying anyway. Deciding that I would only say that to get on her good side. I am trying to impress her, but she thinks I'll lie to do so. She’ll learn better soon enough.

We step into the crowd between the two stages, and she instantly gets nervous again. I can see her body cower, trying to shrink itself so she doesn’t touch anyone and make them angry. My body reacts all on its own, and steps in front of her. Pulling her by the wrist behind me and making a path for her. She’s going to have a good time tonight, and I'll be damned if someone fucks that up. I'm not going to let her allow her own anxieties to overwhelm her tonight.

Pushing our way through until we find the best spot, we settle on a space towards the middle, but more on the outside. That way both stages are facing towards our direction, and she’ll be able to see both of them clearly.

One of the bands is named ‘Days End’, a local Sleep Token cover band. The night Ashia poured her heart onto the fire escape, they played at the bar across the street from Cut Me Down. They have a lot of their own music, but they started out with covers.

It broke me to watch her that lonely night. She stood out on her small, metal balcony and took in every word they sang. I watched as the tears ran down her face and she fell to her knees. She’s terrified that she would never be loved like the words from the songs. I think that’s why she loves Sleep Token so much. I know she wants that type of love so badly, and the void of it crushed her then. She didn’t know me yet, and now that chasm will never consume her again. It took every fiber of my being not to scale the fire escape and hold her, but I’m glad I didn’t. I wouldn’t change anything about how our relationship has developed, and I’m starting to believe that she wouldn’t either.

There was only supposed to be one band tonight, but when I discovered there was a pop-up, I made a call to ‘Days End’. Offered them money to crash it, and I guess that was a great idea in their minds. Their band manager thanked me and told me this was just the type of publicity they needed. Good for them, I suppose, but I don’t care about what they need. I care about what she would like. They’re just lucky to the two things aligned.

The night begins with each band playing a song, and she is loving every second of it. Swinging that long black hair around as she takes in every harsh beat. She’s so fluid in her motions, and it’s hypnotizing. The urge to let go and free myself in her safe space is too great, and I can’t resist. So, I just let go and join her. We’re not worried about how much space we’re taking up, and her genuine laughs as I dramatically head bang light up the whole field. I’d rather listen to her laugh than anything else. It sinks into my being more than any song ever could, and the melody pulls at my heartstrings like a guitar.

It’s a good thing I brought some over the counter pain reliever, because we’re both going to have a headache from hell when we’re done, but it’s all worth it to see that genuine smile.

The sight of her in my jacket is alluring. It's quite large on her, but the way my fabric engulfs her makes her feel comfortable and surrounded in care. She might like it more than I do, and as good as the music is, I can’t take my eyes off of her. My hunger for her grows with every head bang, every smile, every relaxing movement to the right notes in the songs.

Everything about her.

All of her.

I'm fucked.

I can’t wait to try out the surprise I have for my little wolf. A little romance, a little fear, a little push into darkness so she can pull herself out. I know she’ll love it when it’s all said and done. It’s about time she begins to explore the darker side of herself, and I'm happy to push her along.

So first, a little romance.

I take out my phone discretely and text the band manager I called earlier for them to play her favorite song. One that I think fits us perfectly.

“Alright everybody!” A voice over the microphone yells as I grab her from behind by her hips and rest my head on top of hers. The crowd goes crazy. “Before we get to the voting, there’s one thing we have to do. A friend of mine asked for a favor. So, in his words. Little wolf...” I feel her stiffen under my hold. “Do me the honor and Take Me Back to Eden.” The crowd screams as she snaps her head to me, fighting that serene smile spreading on her face. She really didn’t think I knew her favorite song? Silly, little wolf. The song begins and the moment the first note rings out of the speakers, I feel her relax in my arms.

Now, that’s where she really traps me. I love it when she feels comfortable with me. It’s almost like she’s giving herself to me with a bow and gift tag. Presenting herself to me in all of her glory and handing herself over willingly. I press my hardened self against her and inhale her scent as I place my lips next to her ear. I’d take her right now in front of this crowd if it wouldn’t destroy her. Especially with what she’s doing now.

She has her left hand resting on my wrist, and her right arm, her guarded arm, reaches up so she can play with my hair as she lays her head against my chest. Moving her head to the side so her forehead meets my lips and my nose is buried in her hair. I could hold her like this for eternity. We don’t feel separate anymore. Granted, my body hasn’t been my own since I laid my eyes on her, but every time she touches me with such reverence, I fall deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole, and I’m unwilling to resurface.

I don’t know what’s come over me. This pull she has on me doesn’t have me thinking clearly. It has me wanting to do the most mind numbing, heart swelling, hallmark, head-over-heels bullshit for her. But I want to do it. Every over-the-top, boom box over my head move I can think of, and I'll do it all for her. There’s no gesture that exists that will be too much or be able to show how deeply I feel for her, but I hope that one day everything I do will come together in her mind, and she’ll be able to know without a doubt that she is the sole reason I breathe. The sun to my universe, and quite literally, my whole heart.

I move my lips back to her ear and whisper the sweet lyrics against her soft skin. A moment this special is only for her, so I’m sure to keep my voice close and faint. She sang for me. Only fair I do the same for her.

“My, my, those eyes like fire.

I'm a winged insect; you're a funeral pyre.

Come now, bite through these wires.

I'm a waking hell and the Gods grow tired.

Reset my patient violence along both lines of a pathway higher.

Grow back your sharpest teeth you know my desire.

I will travel far beyond the path of reason.

Take me back to Eden.

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