Page 121 of Cut Me Down

We walk in the door and something about it feels euphoric. I can breathe here. It's warm. Like a heavy blanket is draped over me. The house is like in the movies when the character walks into their grandma’s house to smell the cookies baking and all of their worries just melt away. Except I don't smell cookies. I smell him. I smell the sandalwood, the musk, and the slight tinge of tobacco. As I breathe it in, it settles in my chest and it’s like I can feel it travel through my body.

I watch as he casually walks, puts our bags down, and tosses his keys onto the counter as the warm sun beams in through the windows. Something so routine, so innocent. Loving me is so natural for him, like he never doubted that we were made for each other, and I know he didn’t.

My view of him is perfectly clear here, seeing right through him. I can’t move from this spot. I don’t want to move. Is this whathomeis meant to feel like? So transparent? So simple? So soothing. So comforting. I feel my shoulders relax without any ounce of tension in my body. I don’t feel closed or tight with him. Even if he initially took my choice to be with him away. I wouldn’t change a thing.

I'm free now. I'm so free with him, and that’s something I never thought I’d feel with a man…I am in love with Damien Alexander Hartley… The leader of Devil’s Hands. A murderer. My stalker. The love of my life. My better half, and this feeling, this moment is so liberating, that I feel like my heart might literally explode.

He swears his life was filled with darkness before he met me, but I don’t think that’s true. He was the only light in my darkened heart, and now it’s as if there’s no darkness at all. I know what he does, and I know what he has done, but that’s my realization. That Iknowabout it, and I accept it because the goodness in his heart outweighs the actions. I know him, and I know the reasons behind them are genuine. Just like heknowseverything about me and still loves me.

He never saw me as broken or worthless, he sees ME. He loves ME. We heal each other, we build each other, and that’s what love should do for people. It’s not sunshine and rainbows, and it’s not that you’ll never fight. It’s that no matter the fight, you trust enough to pull each other back from it. And I do trust him, with every fiber of my being. I never thought, in a million years, I’d ever be able to say that. Now? It rolls off my tongue like it was the first thing I ever learned to say.

I close my eyes as I take one more deep breath, and when I exhale, all of my worries, all of my trauma, is pulled away with it, and my tears mark their exit. I watched those pearly gates open and didn’t even know it. They’re at the bottom of the hill.

I am so in love with this man... Without opening my eyes, I feel Damien’s hands on my face, wiping away any trace of my past with his thumbs. His touch heals me. Just like it has since I met him.

“What’s wrong, baby girl?” I slowly open my eyes to see his beautiful face and eyes looking into me, searching for my soul’s confession for the tears.

“There’s nothing wrong…” He scrunches his eyebrows at my response. “I’m home…” His face softens. Melting into a look of endearment as he puts our lips together. Moving our lips in a slow dance and smiling big through our kiss before entangling his fingers in mine and pulling me toward the front door. Opening it and then pulling me through to outside. “What are you doing?” I giggle, and effortlessly, he scoops me up with one arm under my knees and the other around my back, clinging on to me like if he let go the wind would carry me away. I wrap my arms around his neck and grab on to the base by instinct.

“I’m going to carry you over the threshold.” I smile and laugh.

“That’s after you get married, goofball.”

“Soon, very soon.” I press my forehead against his as he walks back inside. Carrying me bridal style and kicking the door shut. He walks me into the kitchen and sets me onto the counter. His lips passionately press against mine as our hands find each other’s faces. His soft lips grazing over mine in a needy frenzy. We pull away and nestle our faces against one another.

“You said soon. How soon is that exactly?” He kisses me again lightly.

“Sooner than you think, little wolf.” I can’t believe what’s about to come out of my mouth, but I know without a doubt that I want to spend the rest of my life with this man. Fuck all of the crazy things that have happened, or the possible consequences. He’ll be right here through it all, and that alone makes it worth it.

“Then you should probably throw my birth control away.” He stands up straight and flashes the biggest smile I’ve ever seen on his face. Genuine excitement glowing in his eyes.

“Don’t fuck with me, Ashia. Are you serious?” He leans down to be eye level with me as he gently pulls my face closer to him.

“Yes, I'm serious.” I practically whisper. “I forgot to take it this morning anyway so…” Our lips crash before I can finish, and he turns and runs to our bags. Digging through them like his life depends on it. I laugh at his dramatics as I turn and grab my Malibu bottle out of the cabinet before I come to my senses and come down from this feeling. I'm so high on him right now, what’s a little alcohol going to do?

I take two large swigs as I watch him continuously search through our bags to find it. My alcohol tastes different, but I suppose keeping it in a warm cabinet can make it taste bad. It has been hot the past couple of days, and who knows how long he’s had this bottle in the cabinet waiting for me.

He lets out a relieved sigh, stands up and looks at the useless aluminum. I take one more swig as he rears back, and I watch as he throws it clear across the house. The smile on his face is plastered, almost encased in stone, and I don’t think it’s going anywhere.

I feel my heart begin to pound in my ears, and my chest begins to feel heavy. Time seems to slow after he releases the package, and I see the bright sunlight encase him as it pours into the windows. I wasn’t sure before what brought him into my life, but in this light I can see he was definitely heaven sent. The light engulfing him is so bright. If it wasn’t this particular man standing there, I’d look away. I see his shoulders relax as he takes a deep breath.

Wait, is he talking? His lips are moving, but I can’t hear him…why can’t I hear him?...I lean forward to try and hear him better, but then suddenly there’s two of him…now three…am I dizzy? What’s wrong with me?...I look down at the bottle to try and focus on the label…but it’s blurry, and is it getting dark?...where is that shadow coming from?...my stomach is burning…I might throw up…and my chest feels heavier…like bricks are being laid upon me…I can’t breathe…it hurts…why can’t I breathe?…I lay my hand on my chest to feel my racing heart…am I imagining this?...I look up to Damien for help, and the motion makes the room spin…I can’t speak…my mouth is numb…is he reaching in his pocket?... I'm so tired all of a sudden…I can feel my eyes growing heavy…but I catch those ocean blues as he turns back to me, his smile fading to black with the rest of the room…

Chapter forty-four

Damien

‘Margaret (feat. Bleachers)’ – Lana Del Rey, Bleachers

I'm clawing through this bag like a kid on the beach thinking they just found buried treasure. My whole world, the rest of my life is in this bag somewhere. The life I’ve always wanted, with the most incredible woman in the universe, is hiding in this fucking bag.

There!

I fucking found it. I can barely stand as I look at this bullshit package. I feel a wave of adrenaline rush over me as I chuck the piece of shit across the living room towards the other side of the house. I'm going to be a husband…and a father…she may not be pregnant yet, but God damn she will be by the end of the night.

I reach into my pocket and fish out Nana’s ring. I look at it as it shines in the sunlight coming in through the windows. It reminds me of the first time I saw her. The sunlight hitting her eyes just right, a beacon to light my way home.

“I was going to wait, plan some huge thing, and then bring you home and tell you everything I love about you while I leave no inch of your body untouched. Tell you how I’ve waited my entire life for you and promise you that as long as time exists, there will never be another minute that I won’t love you. I want to do all of that, but I also can’t wait another second. Fuck, Ashia, will you…”

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