Page 104 of Courage, Dear Heart

FIFTY-NINE

Jillian

My eyes flutteropen and my mind immediately fills with all the doubts and thoughts I ruminated on yesterday. What time is it? Six thirty. It’s early, too early to start worrying again.Enough!You’re not going to start the day like this.I get up and go to the bathroom, go through my morning routine and decide to go back to bed. I have a little more time before I need to actually be up.

I reach for my phone on the nightstand.

There’s a text message from Elliott, sent at 2:49 a.m. I was asleep when it came in.

Elliott: Hey. I’m sorry I didn’t get back to you sooner. I’m not ghosting you. Had some things come up at work. I’ll stop by the shop later.

Elliott: I miss you.

I read and reread the message, trying to figure out if it has any hidden meaning behind it.I mean, he did look bewildered when I dropped off his phone. I know it was because of what his father said. It had to be. Too much of a coincidence, if not.

I stare at the phone screen until it goes dark. He said he misses me. In a separate text. Was it an afterthought?

I set the phone down and grab a pillow from the other side of the bed. Pull it over my face and grunt a few choice words, the sound muffled.

A giggle stops my litany. I move the pillow away with slow, deliberate moves until I can peek with one eye and then two. Jamie is standing no more than a couple of feet from my bed. His hair is sticking in all directions, his pajamas shirt is inside out, and he’s giggling. My son is happy and laughing at me.

I sit up and open my arms. He runs to me. I catch him and flip us both back onto the bed. “Oh, think I’m funny?” I tickle him.

The giggles grow louder.

I make silly faces at him. “Is this funny? How about this?” I stick my tongue out.

“Did you brush your teeth?”

He nods.

“Hmm, let me give it a sniff test.” I bring my nose close to his mouth and his breath smells like his bubblegum-flavored toothpaste.

I wave a hand at my face. “Pew. Stinky you.” I tickle him again. “I’m the tickle monster. Grrrrrr.”

He’s squealing with laughter now. Oh, my heart. My heart is so full of love and joy for this little boy. He lights up my world. There’s no sound more beautiful than this. No greater gift. He’s my life and my reason to live.

I blow raspberries on his belly to hide my tears. “I love you so much.”

Jamie squirms and I let him go. He holds my face with both of his little hands. His eyes shine, a big smile on his face. “I-I love you too, Mommy.”

SIXTY

Jillian

I freeze,my breath caught somewhere between disbelief and awe. The world narrows, everything outside of this moment falling away. My son—my beautiful, brave Jamie—just told me he loves me.

I lied before.Thisis the most beautiful sound in the world. My little boy spoke again for the first time after all this time and the first thing he said was that he loved me.

I want to scoop him up and spin him around the room, to tell him how proud I am, how incredible he is. I want to call every therapist, every friend, every person who has walked this road with us. I want to text Sheila in all caps, call Elliott, and demand Grace stop everything to celebrate with us. I want to shout it from the rooftops, hire a plane to write it across the sky, fill Times Square with flashing lights that scream: Jamie spoke. My baby spoke.

But I don’t.

I tap his nose gently, my fingers trembling, my voice thick as I whisper, “I love you more.”

I lower him to the floor, his little feet barely touching before he’s off toward his room. “Go get dressed.” I try to keep my tone steady, normal, though nothing feels normal anymore. “I’ll meet you in the kitchen for breakfast.”

The second he’s out of sight, I stumble into the bathroom, shutting the door behind me with shaking hands. My back hits the wall, and I slide down to the floor, the weight of the moment crashing into me all at once.

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