Page 113 of Courage, Dear Heart

“It’s the right thing to do. I’m glad you called me. Even if you scared me first.” She laughs.

“That f—” I stop the litany of curse words I want to spew. “He thinks I did it. He was in my office, waiting for me. Happy. Giddy, even.”

Grandma sighs. I can picture her shaking her head.

I pace around my desk. “This is the closest I’ve ever seen him being satisfied with something I did. And I didn’t do it. Would never do anything like that.” The words come out before I can stop them. I’ve revealed too much. Revealed how deeply my father’s rejection has hurt me.

“Oh, Elliott. I’m sorry. I don’t know where I went wrong with him.” There’s a crack in her voice.

“You didn’t do anything wrong. He’s an adult and the only one responsible for his choices.”

“Thank you for saying this.” There’s sadness in her voice.

“Nothing to thank me for. You know I’m right. And I’m the one who should be thanking you. Things are going to get messy, and I’m dragging you into the sh—crap show.”

“No. I should have been more hands on. When we lost Grandpa, a part of me left with him.”

“I think that’s normal. You were together for longer than I’ve existed.”

“Well, time to come out of the woods.”

“Did you have a chance to talk to Nikki and Mandy?”

“Yes. I made them aware this morning. Just hung up with them.”

“And?”

The sound of her laughter is the answer I hoped for. “Oh, they’re more than eager to help.”

“And they understand what’s at stake and the need to keep quiet?”

“They know what to do.”

“Great.”

“How’s Jillian and the boy?” Her question is not unexpected, and yet it hits me like a punch to the gut.

I take too long to answer.

“Elliott? Did you see them again? Is everything okay?”

“Physically, they’re fine. They’ll be released sometime today. I haven’t seen them again.”

“Why not?”

I knew the question was coming. I could have avoided it by not saying anything, but I’m so tired of running around in circles inside my head. Maybe she can give me some perspective. “Jillian doesn’t want to see me. She had her friend call me this morning and asked me not to come to the hospital. Said she needs time to process everything.”

“Then give her time. A day or two or a week.”

“A week?” I don’t think I can go that long without contact.

“You have to respect her wishes.”

“What if she doesn’t want to ever see me again? Not going after her feels like giving up. Or admitting guilt.”

“Now there’s a fine line between giving her space and giving up. And you need to figure out where that line is.”

Fuck my life. Oh, wait. It’s already fucked.

---