Page 127 of Courage, Dear Heart

So many memories come back to me. I don’t try to stop them. Allow myself to feel without fear of the pain they may bring with them. The rush of wind in my ears like the theme song for all the things I thought forgotten. Images play in my mind’s eye in vivid colors. Emotions come to the surface. Snippets of conversation. Candid moments. Friendship and trust building, one day at a time. Becoming stronger with each passing year. Us against the world. I smile and laugh through my tears. I don’t let go to wipe them.

Jamie watches me with wide eyes. Me, the one always telling him to be careful, don’t go too fast or too high. Me, the one doing all the things I told him not to do. It’s freeing and exhilarating.

I swing back and forth. One moment in the past and the next in the future. The allegory is not lost on me. Another memory unlocked. CJ and me on this very swing set. We had to be nine or ten. Him telling me to let go, to jump. And me holding on to the chains, too scared to leap when he did.

I’m not scared now.

“Jamie, look at me!”

And then I jump.

SEVENTY-FOUR

Elliott

I followthe ping to what seems to be a school. Drive slowly around the winding road flanking an empty parking lot, but for one car. I see them. I park my rental on a spot near the chain-link fence and exit the car quietly, hesitating on intruding in their moment. Jamie is going down a slide, his arms open at his sides. His face tilted to the sky, and he’s speaking, but I can’t make out his words.

Jillian is on a swing, using her legs to make herself go higher and higher. Her face, too, is tilted to the sky.

I look up. Intense blue above and a few white clouds drifting in the wind. Birds chirping in the trees. The call of crows and a lonely bird flying in circles.

I take in this scene. I don’t call to them or make my presence known. I watch them both from afar. I don’t want to be an interloper to whatever it is they’re doing. They’re in their own world. I don’t know exactly what’s happening, but whatever it is, I know I’m not a part of it. It’s not meant for me.

I lean my elbows on the chain-link fence bar and watch. Jillian calls out to Jamie, and he smiles. She jumps from the swing at its highest point.

My heart skips a beat and then somersaults. My hands tense on the bar and I’m ready to leap and run to her.

She lands on her feet like an Olympian dismounting from a balance bar. Then she kneels down with arms open wide and Jamie runs to her. She falls back, holding him still, and the faint sound of laughter carries to me in the breeze.

I leap over the fence then. Hands in my pockets, I walk to them. Still hesitant to interrupt them.

Jamie sits up and sees me. Then he’s running to me. And I lean down, arms open, to scoop him up. “Hey, buddy. Having fun?”

He signs yes, and then, as if remembering he can speak now, says it aloud. “Yes.”

“This is a cool place.”

“Mom’s school. When she was my age.”

I’m impressed by how clear his speech is and how good his vocabulary is. “Wow, that’s cool.”

Jillian sits up and smiles. I carry Jamie back to her and set him down. Jillian stretches both arms up, and Jamie and I pull her to her feet.

She brushes pieces of grass off herself, her gaze never straying from my face. “Thanks for coming.”

“I will always come for you.” I hope she believes me.

She nods, ruffles Jamie’s hair. “Thirty more minutes, kiddo. Then we gotta meet Grandma and Grandpa for lunch, okay?”

Jamie’s answer is to run back to the slide and climb the stairs. I watch him and this time I can hear him.

“Look at me, Daddy. No hands.”

A knot forms in my throat. I can’t remember the last time I cried, but I might today. I find Jillian watching me. Her expression serene, content. “This is the place. Where you met him.”

Jillian hugs herself. The movement pulls at her T-shirt and reveals part of her flower tattoo. “Yes. The very same slide.”

I nod. “I recognize it, from the book.”

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