Page 21 of Courage, Dear Heart

Jillian: Why is he asking me this?

Sheila: To get to know you better. Answer. There’s no harm in it.

Jillian: Ugh. Okay. Bye.

Sheila: If he sends you a dick pic, I want to see it.

I nearly drop the phonein the water.

Jillian: Stop it!

Sheila:

I take a deep breath and switch to Elliott’s message.

Jillian: Night owl, but Jamie keeps me on a morning schedule. You?

Elliott: Morning person. I’ll try not to judge.

Elliott: Good night, Jillian.

Jillian: Good night.

As the bath water cools, I catch myself smiling. Sheila is right. There’s no harm in a few text messages.

I tuck myself under the blanket with Jamie. The book is already in his hands, open to the correct page. We look at the colors, pinks, yellows, and blues. The painting of a playground. A little girl fallen on the grass and a boy extending a hand to help her up.

I read for Jamie. “CJ’s heart told him to keep an eye on the girl in the purple dress. He worried the bully might try to be mean to her. And sure enough, when she climbed up the ladder to the slide, the bully showed up.”

Jamie’s face scrunches as he narrows his gaze on the bully.

“The bully pulled her ponytail and pushed her off so he could go down the slide before her.”

The memory of thatday rushes in.

Me on the ground. Wood chips poking at my legs, the sting of tears I tried to hold back. And CJ, a smile on his face, his too-long hair like a golden halo in the sun.Even at that young age, kindness was his default mode. Except when it came to bullies. He never tolerated them.

“The girl in the purple dress was very brave. She didn’t cry, even though it must have hurt. CJ rushed over. He helped her stand up and made sure she was okay. Then he turned to the bully and said ‘That wasn’t nice. You should be kinder.’ But the bully just laughed. Bullies often do.”

I kiss the top of Jamie’s head, and he snuggles closer to me. His small body curled against mine, the scent of baby shampoo still lingering. I inhale and a million memories surface.

Finding out I was pregnant and telling CJ and him dancing around the room, twirling me and laughing.

How he cuddled me and kissed my belly and talked to the growing life inside me, telling our future baby how much he was already loved.

The day Jamie was born and how CJ cared for both of us. Half protective wolf, half papa bear, with so much love and fierce devotion.

I push the memories away. Keep reading.

“CJ didn’t like bullies. He also didn’t like the way the bully treated the girl in the purple dress. It didn’t matter that the bully was in third grade and CJ being in first grade was much smaller. He had to help her.

“And then CJ had an idea. He wasn’t sure it would work, but he thought it just might.”

Jamie turns the page.

“When someone kicked a ball past the slide, CJ bentdown at the bottom of the slide to pick it up. He stayed there just long enough for the bully to come speeding down the slide.

“And when he did—CRASH! The bully’s face bumped right into CJ’s elbow! Oh no! What a terrible accident! (Wink, wink.)”

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