Page 29 of Courage, Dear Heart

“Stop it. I don’t want to talk about it.”

He takes my hand. “Promise me, Jillian.”

“How could I ever find someone else?”

The easy smile I love so much eases the stingof what he asked me. “I’ll find him for you. I’ll park him right in front of the store so you can’t miss it. It will be a sign.”

“I’ll help you with Jamie.” Elliott opens the car door and I snap back to the present. My mind and my heart are on a race without a winner. I push the memory back and open my door.

By the time I’m out of the car, Jamie’s booster seat is unbuckled, and Elliott is holding my sleeping son, his head on Elliott’s shoulder.

I freeze when I see them—this image of another man holding my son with such tenderness is more than I can handle. I turn my back to them and search for my keys in my pocketbook. I unlock the side door with trembling fingers, then step back and let Elliott walk into the building. He waits for me inside the dark hall.

I turn the lights on. “Just up the stairs.”

I follow them to the second floor. This is strange. I don’t think I’ve ever had another man in my apartment other than CJ and my dad.

When we get to the landing, I step around Elliott and unlock the single door. I walk inside, turning on lights as I go, then set my things and the box of cupcakes on the dining table. I look around to make sure I don’t have a bra hanging on the back of a chair or anything else equally embarrassing, even though I’ve never done it before. The apartment is spotless. Cream and crimson pillows sit perfectly on the chocolate-brown sofa and love seat. No stray mugs on the cherry wood coffee table. No toys scattered on the carpet, and the TV stand is clear of clutter. Books perfectly lined on the shelves. Why am I looking for things to clean and pick up? There’s nothing out of place.You’relooking for excuses not to look at him. To see how good he looks holding Jamie.

Daisy squawks when she sees us, flapping her wings with excitement inside her cage.

Elliott stops in the middle of the living room, a hand on Jamie’s back. “Where do you want me to put him?”

“His bedroom is right over here.” I walk down the hall and push Jamie’s bedroom door open. Pull back the bedcover.

Elliott gently lays Jamie on the bed and then before I can react to what I’m witnessing, he unlaces and removes Jamie’s sneakers. Pulls the cover back over Jamie and brushes a lock of hair off his brow. There’s a peaceful expression on Elliott’s face. Jamie snuggles into his pillow and softly snores. The only sounds he makes are involuntary ones; like a sneeze or coughing.

Elliott steps back and walks out of the room. My chest wants to explode and constrict at the same time. My hands shake and I don’t know what to do. I kneel next to the bed and kiss Jamie on the forehead. I stay rooted to the spot, kneeling in front of the bed, trying to get a hold of myself.

When I get to the living room, Elliott has Daisy on his wrist and is petting her. “I hope this is okay. She kept saying ‘out, out’ and I opened the cage.”

He looks like he belongs here and it doesn’t feel wrong. It should be wrong to have another man where my husband stood before. But CJ is not here anymore. He will never be here again. My gaze finds the pictures on the bookshelf. CJ, Jamie, and me. His gaze follows mine and his smile diminishes.

I clear my throat and try to find my voice. It feels as if Iswallowed a cactus. Everything prickles inside me. “Thank you—thank you for the ride and for bringing Jamie inside and getting him settled. You didn’t have to do any of that.”

Elliott keeps petting Daisy, who’s cocking her head sideways to expose more of her neck to him. He smiles. “No big deal. I was coming this way anyway, and I like kids.”

He puts Daisy back in her cage. “Walk me out?”

“Sure.”

We go downstairs in silence and I open the door for him. He steps out, putting a couple of feet between us. Relief floods me. He’s not trying to kiss me or hug me or anything like that.

“Thank you again. Jamie had a great time. And I did too.”

“So did I. See you soon, Jillian.”

And with that, he walks to his car. I close the door slowly and watch through the glass as he drives away.

Text Me Maybe

Elliott: Happy Mother’s Day. I hope you have a fun day with Jamie.

Jillian: Thank you. I was just about to text you.

Elliott: Oh, yeah?

Jillian: Those are the prettiest cookies I have ever seen. Thank you.

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