Page 62 of Courage, Dear Heart

Jillian

I closethe door behind me and rest against it. Press a shaking hand to my mouth. “Oh my God.”

A tsunami of emotions threatens to take over me. Each new crashing wave replacing the one before so fast I can barely get a grasp of what I’m feeling.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath, then another and another. Search for the underlying emotion, the root, the truth. The rush eases to a gentle lapping inside my chest. I’m . . . happy. The feeling is so foreign to me I didn’t recognize it at first. It’s been so long since I felt this way. A giggle escapes and I press the hand on my mouth harder. My gaze goes to my sleeping son. He’s happy too.

I go back to the bed, slide under the covers, and brush a lock of hair away from Jamie’s serene face. I’m so filled with love and joy. “I can do this,” I whisper to myself and Jamie. “We both can.”

I lie on my back, close my eyes, and relive the kiss. This is the first time I kissed a man after CJ died. Thefirst time I kissed a man other than CJ. I spent most of my life loving him. I thought I was so lucky to have found love at such a young age. There were never any doubts that CJ and I were meant for each other. But now I have a second chance at loving again. At being happy again.

With CJ, we had years to know each other, to grow in love and trust. But with Elliott, everything is moving so fast. How long has it been since we met? A little over two months. Is it too slow for a first kiss? Are we dating now? I have no idea what dating is like.

I grab my phone to send Sheila a text.

Jillian: When do people kiss after they start dating?

She’s more than likely sleeping. I turn to put my phone on the night table when it starts buzzing in my hand.

Sheila: OMFG! He kissed you!

I press my lips together to keep from laughing aloud and waking Jamie up.

Jillian: No, I kissed him.

She sends me a video of herself doing the floss dance in her pajamas. A silk purple cap on her head. I bury my face in the pillow. My shoulders shake with repressed laughter.

Jillian: I’m so posting this videoon my Insta.

Sheila: Go ahead, I look cute. And I got moves.

Sheila: Can I FaceTime you? I want to see you when you tell me all the details.

Jillian: Not now. Jaimie is sleeping next to me. I can tell you everything when I get back. Okay?

Sheila: Fine. Be like that. But those details better be good. No PG stuff. Give me all the dirt.

Jillian: No promises. Go to sleep. It’s late.

Sheila: You’re the one who texted me.

Jillian: I thought you’d be sleeping. Turning the phone off now. Good night.

She didn’t even answer my question. I don’t wait for a response. I put the phone on the nightstand and settle into bed, then close my eyes. And for the first time in a long time, I fall asleep with a smile on my face.

THIRTY-THREE

Jillian

Sunlight fluttersinto the room through the curtains as I blink my eyes open, memories of Elliott’s lips on mine flooding my senses. I bury my face in the pillow, heat rising to my cheeks. Doubt replaces the giddy feelings from last night. What was I thinking?No. Don’t do this. You deserve to be happy.I turn and find Jamie’s spot next to me empty and the door ajar. I panic and rush to the door, pull it open and stop when the sound of Grace’s voice rises up to meet me. She’s talking to Jamie. I retreat back into the room, close the door, and lean on it. Close my eyes and shake my head. I need to get myself together to face Elliott. I’m not a little girl with her first crush. I’m a grown woman, an adult. “Act like it, Jillian. Grow a pair and face the consequences of your actions. You wanted that kiss. Wanted him. Time to woman up.”

I take a quick shower and dress in my favorite pair of jean shorts and a tank top. The weather app on my phone says it will be eighty-four today. Minimalmakeup completes the casual look I’m going for. When was the last time I cared for how I look? I can’t remember. I can’t delay any longer and drag myself downstairs. Elliott and Jamie are already at the kitchen table, a spread of pancakes, eggs, and fruit laid out.

Trying to delay facing Elliott, I walk to Daisy’s cage and say hello to her. She’s nibbling on a strawberry, quiet for a change. Her yellow eyes take everything in.

Elliott comes to stand next to me with two mugs of coffee. “Morning.” A mischievous smile tugs at his lips.

“Thank you. Good morning.” I look at his shoulder instead of his face and take a sip, needing the coffee to give me the backbone to look him in the eyes after our kiss last night. So much forwoman up.

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