Page 89 of Courage, Dear Heart

Days blend into weeks,and before I know it, it’s August. My relationship with Elliott grows more intimate and stronger, but we have yet to go all the way. Even with seeing each other every day, he has not pushed for more. We kiss, we make out, but the clothes stay on. And Sheila is probably right with her assumptions that he’s waiting for me to take the lead. And coward that I am, I rather wait for him to take the choice off my hands.

It’s time. Sheila took Jamie to spend the night at her apartment and Elliott is coming over for dinner. Any minute now. He doesn’t know I’ve arranged for this. He doesn’t know it will be just the two of us tonight and that I’ve planned on us finally getting together. Time for me to move forward. I’ve never been with anyone other than CJ. Never even kissed anyone besides my late husband and Elliott. What if I’m a disappointment to him? He’s had so many women in his life.

Stop it!

The voice in my head sounds like Sheila. If she couldhear the thoughts running through my mind, she’d smack me and say no man would stick around this long if he didn’t care about you and keep coming back for more. She’s right. I have to believe she’s right.

I check the time. Almost eight. Elliott will be here soon. I look around to make sure everything is in place. The table is set. There’s beer in the fridge. I didn’t cook. I figured I’d call for takeout today.After.It’s been a long time for me, but sex on a full stomach is not fun.

I do one last walk around the house. Close the door to Jamie’s room as if it could somehow add another layer of protection so he doesn’t know what I plan on doing tonight. Go into my bedroom. Check myself in the full-length mirror that has been propped against the wall since before we moved in. The blue summer dress fits me well. It’s feminine and delicate. The hem of the light fabric brushes my lower thighs with every step.

I turn in a circle, taking in the space. One lamp is on, set to the lowest setting. The bed is made with new bedding and clean, freshly washed sheets I bought for this occasion. I don’t know why I need the new sheets and bed cover. Or why I decided that our first time should be in the room I shared with CJ. There must be some symbolism to it, somewhere deep in the recesses of my brain. Perhaps a way to prove to myself that I’m truly and irrevocably stepping into a different version of myself.

The doorbell rings and I startle. My hands shake and I fist them. I want this. Want him—Elliott. It’s time.

I make my way downstairs and open the door for Elliott. The last few glints of the sunset disappearing behind buildings paint him in golden light. A mischievous smile onhis beautiful face. My breath catches in my throat, and I have to swallow, hard. He’s not even inside the house and I’m already choking. On air. I take him in. As handsome as he is in the fancy suits he wears for work, I like him best like this. A plain, black T-shirt that hugs his broad shoulders, jeans that showcase his long and muscular legs, and sneakers.

“May I come in?” His smile widens.

I step back. “Of course.”Pull yourself together, Jillian.

Elliott comes into the hall and locks the door behind him. Takes a quick glance upstairs, sets the shopping bag he’s carrying on the floor, and then pulls me into him. One hand is behind my neck and the other is around my waist. His lips are on mine the next moment. Warm, soft, delicious.

My worries dissipate like smoke in the wind. I melt into him. My arms lift to his shoulders and clutch him closer. I deepen the innocent kiss he started. Take it in a different direction. One he didn’t expect, if his surprised moan is any indication.

I break the kiss before it gets out of control. I want him but not in the hallway where anyone walking by can see us through the glass-paneled door.

He tucks a stray lock of hair behind my ear. “That’s a hell of a welcome. Keep that up and I’ll be knocking on your door all hours of the day and night.”

My cheeks burn. I tug at his hand and he picks up the forgotten bag and follows me upstairs.

“This should go in the fridge.” He hands me a bottle of wine when we walk into the kitchen. “And this is for you.” I recognize the logo on the box of dark chocolates. A very expensive and exclusive brand I buy only on special occasions.

“Thank you. Can never go wrong with chocolate. These are my favorites.”

“I have to be a little more creative since I can’t buy you flowers.” He looks around. “Where’s Jamie? I got him a puzzle. I figured we could do it after dinner.”

I nibble on my lower lip. “Jamie is not here. He’s spending the night with Sheila.”

His eyes lock on mine and darken with heat.

I swallow. “And I didn’t cook. I thought we could hang out and order takeout when we’re hungry.”

He takes a step closer. “I’m hungry now.” His gaze travels down my body and back up again. “I’ve starved myself for months. Since I first saw you at the flower shop.”

Does he mean what I think he does? “You mean you haven’t . . .”

He traces a finger along my jawline. “I haven’t been with anyone since we met. A few months before that, actually.”

I resist the urge to lean into him. “Wow. Why?”

He’s in my space now and I have to tilt my head up to meet his eyes. “Because the moment I saw you, I was a goner. A deep sense of rightness settled in my chest, like a page turning in a story I didn’t know I was waiting for.”

I blink, trying to keep the threatening tears at bay. “I-I don’t know what to say.”

He touches the corner of my eye with his thumb, so gentle I can barely feel it. “You don’t have to say anything. I know we’re coming from different places. Neither of us was looking for a relationship but found it anyway, despite all the barriers we’ve both created.”

My lips part and my gaze drops to his mouth. It’s an invitation he doesn’t refuse. His mouth finds mine and Imoan at the first contact. He deepens the kiss. It goes from gentle to ravenous. His hands clutch at my hips, pulling me closer to him. I go on tiptoes, my body flush with his. I explore the bulging muscles of his biceps, his shoulders, his back, anywhere and everywhere I can touch. His hands travel up and down my sides, my waist, my hips, and the outside of my thighs. I moan into his mouth and he grunts in response. He’s hard against my belly and the heat of him sets me on fire. I try to breathe, suck in air in between kisses. He smells so good. Clean and masculine.

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