Page 90 of Courage, Dear Heart

He pulls away just enough to speak against my neck. “Where?”

I know what he’s asking me and point behind me. “My bedroom.”

His gaze lifts to mine then. A question in his eyes. A question he doesn’t verbalize.

I answer it anyway. “Yes, I’m sure.” I step back and take both his hands, walking backward and down the hall toward my bedroom. A space he’s not been before.

I try to see it through his eyes. The room is not large, but it’s big for New York standards. The light is dimmed but still bright enough to show the dark blue curtains that cover the double window that faces the side of the building. The queen-sized bed and nightstands take up most of one wall. A dresser and chair sit opposite. The room is decorated in shades of blue, like a Caribbean beach house.

His gaze finds me again as I stand there, waiting for his next move, the back of my knees against the mattress. My heart racing like it’s trying to get out of my chest. An erratic tempo and yet perfect for this moment. A moment of first time and letting go.

Elliott comes closer. “You tell me what you want. If you want me to stop, say so. If you don’t like what I’m doing, tell me.”

I nod and swallow the knot in my throat. “Let it happen.” I don’t want to think about it anymore. I want to feel. To feel alive, to feel loved, to be present.

And then he’s kissing me again. Gentle and tender, he traces my jawline with his lips, then kisses my eyes and my forehead. Dips to my neck and collarbone, his hands on my waist and hips.

Shivers run down my spine. The tiny hair on my arms stands. He drops to his knees and buries his face in my stomach. Drops kisses all over my belly and the curve of my hips. His hands go up and down my legs. I tremble and brace myself on his shoulders.

His hands come up my legs, bringing the hem of my dress with them. He stops at my hips and looks at me for permission. I nod with a shuddered breath. He stands up, and the fabric comes up with him, baring my thighs, my stomach, my breasts, and then it’s over my head and off. Elliott drops it to the floor and I stand before him in my underwear and bra while he’s completely dressed.

He takes a step back and then another. Takes me in. His gaze is slow and lazy, and it travels over every exposed inch of my skin. He kicks off his shoes and removes his T-shirt. He unbuttons his jeans, pausing for a moment to check with me again.

I give him another nod. The jeans come off, followed by his socks. He’s built like a cover model in a sports magazine. Broad chest with a light dusting of brown hair. Pecs and rippling ab muscles. The V of his obliquesdisappears under the band of his black boxer shorts. The dim light doesn’t disguise the bulge behind the cotton fabric.

And then it’s the two of us, standing in our underwear. Looking at each other. A little voice in my head wants me to cover myself up. My stomach is not as flat as it used to be before Jamie. My thighs are not as firm now that I no longer exercise as I once did. My breasts are not as perky after nursing my son for the first year of his life.

But Elliott doesn’t look at me like he’s seeing every single one of my flaws. He’s looking at me with heat, desire, and lust, and more than that, he’s looking at me with care and adoration and something else I dare not name. Not now. Not yet.

He holds his hand out to me, and I take it and pull him back with me onto the bed. He turns us and pulls back the covers with one swift move. He sits and pulls me between his legs. His head drops to my chest and I thread my fingers through his soft hair.

He inhales and releases his breath. It’s warm against my skin. “I’ve dreamed of this moment for so long and now that it’s here, I’m afraid I’ll do something to mess it up. I’m terrified of hurting you.”

I tilt his face up so I can look him in the eyes. “I want this—I want you. Not only because I’m attracted to you and l—like you, but because I know you won’t hurt me.” I kiss his forehead like he kissed mine a few minutes ago. “I trust you.”

He leans back and pulls me onto the bed with him.

His hands find the clasp of my bra and he releases me. Again, I fight the urge to cover myself. His hands are like ahot brand on my skin, burning everywhere he touches and leaving me wanting more.

He’s gentle beyond measure, and I know this is for me. He’s being careful and tender, and I love it, but after so long, I need more.

I tug at the waist of his boxers, and he follows my lead, removing them.

“Your turn.” He tugs at the last barrier between us. I lift my hips and then I’m bare.

The hunger in his eyes makes me shiver again. This is so much more than sex and lust. His hands cup my breasts and I moan when his mouth follows. Elliott touches me everywhere but where I need it most. I ache for him, for release. Ache for the most intimate of touches. I haven’t even touched myself all these years.

“Elliott, please.” My voice is husky and needy.

“Please what?” he says between kisses along my belly and hip bones.

“Please,” I repeat.

He lowers himself between my thighs, spreads them wide. I watch shamelessly as his gaze is fixed on that most private part of my body. And then the warmth of his breath touches me. I whimper, my hips tilting up of their own accord. His mouth finds me hot and wet and oh, I’m lost. I’m a puddle of sensation and lust and heat and pleasure so intense it hurts in the best of ways. I moan and whimper and writhe under his expert ministrations.

My back arches off the bed, my entire body tensing as if hit by lightning. My mouth opens, but no sound leaves me. There’s no air to breathe either. My entire body pulses as wave after wave of ecstasy hits me, unrelenting, unending,excruciating pleasure that verges on the edge of pain. When I come out of it, my limbs are limp, and my chest expands as I suck in much-needed air. I’m covered in a thin sheen of sweat. My body is buzzing, there are tears in my eyes, and my heart beats so fast I’m afraid I’ll pass out. I’m exhausted. If I tried to stand right now, I don’t think my legs could hold me.

Elliott climbs up my body and settles between my thighs. His hardness is hot against my belly. His smile is smug. His eyes twinkle. “I think you had an out-of-body experience.”

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