Page 97 of Courage, Dear Heart

She squeezes my hand again. “For what it’s worth, I’m really sorry.”

Rage burns white-hot in my chest. “Yeah, me too. Not for him. I’m sorry for my mom. And the people he’s screwing over.”

She searches my face. “Please don’t do anything stupid. I know that look in your eyes.”

I should have noticed something was amiss before today, but I’ve been too self-centered to pay attention. All I wanted was to get my job done and get out. Get away from this place and its pressures. “I don’t think I can let it go, but I won’t do anything stupid. I need time to figure out what’s happening and how to fix it.”

Nikki nods. “I respect that. Whatever you do, keep me in the loop, please. I’ll talk to Mandy. If we have to bail out sooner rather than later, I want to know.”

“Don’t worry. I’m not dragging either of you into this mess. Thank you for telling me. I needed to know this.” I feel stupid for not picking up on all the red flags before. There were times I thought something was off and dismissed it all, too happy not to get involved.

She stands up. My cue to leave. “I might regret this, but if you need help, let me know. I am in. And I know Mandy will be in too.”

I stand up as well. “I’ll do everything in my power not to involve either of you. When the shit hits the fan and it will, I don’t want you two to be in the line of fire.”

She gives me a quick hug and I walk to the door. Stopwith my hand on the handle. “I’m sorry I’ve been such a crappy coworker and cousin. I’ve had my head up my ass for far too long. It will change now.”

She chuckles. “You’re not a crappy cousin.”

I smile. “Coworker, then?”

Nikki tilts her head back and forth. “Hmm. I wouldn’t say crappy coworker. More like your heart was never in it. You don’t really belong here. You never did.”

I nod. “You’re right. I don’t belong here.”

“Why are you here still, then?”

“I ask myself that same question every day.”

FIFTY-FOUR

Jillian

Thirty minutes later,I’m standing at Sheila’s door. My mind is still reeling from what I heard. I knock on the door, and it opens a moment later. Sheila welcomes me with a smile. The sound of little feet running on the hardwood floors precedes Jamie. I kneel with open arms and he throws himself at me. I hug my boy tight and inhale the sweet smell of his baby shampoo.

“I missed you so much.”

Jamie’s arms go around my shoulders, and he holds tight for a minute and then pulls back, signinghow much?

I smile. “This much.” And open my arms wide.

He grins and signsme too.

I stand and pick him up, dropping kisses all over his face. He scrunches his face and tries to pull away, and I double down by tickling him.

Jamie lets out a squeal of joy.

My heart stops. And behind him, Sheila covers her mouth with both hands, her eyes wide and rapidly fillingwith tears. I hold back my own tears. Jamie kicks his legs and lets me go. He runs back to the living room and sits on the carpet in front of the TV, where a Lego set waits for him.

She’s still looking at me, eyes wide, hands still covering her mouth. She knows about Jamie making sounds before, but this is the first time she heard him. She takes my hand and I follow her into her bedroom. Sheila closes the door and does a crazy dance, jumping up and down and turning in circles. I can’t help but laugh at her joy for my boy.

“Oh my God,” she whispers. She makes another full circle, waving her hands in the air, looks at me, stops, and says it again. “Oh. My. God.”

I wipe a runaway tear. “I know.”

She stops and fans her hands at her face. Closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. “Okay. I’m calm now.”

I open my arms to her and Sheila steps into my embrace and we hug each other, swaying from side to side. She steps back and pulls me to sit on the bed next to her. “Okay, tell me everything. What happened last night?”

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