Page 81 of Midnight Queen

I want Quincey forever.

Before Quincey, I couldn’t comprehend how someone could feel desperate enough to turn someone they love. This world is dark and unforgiving. I thought death was the better fate, but now as I hold her as she slowly dies in my arms, I finally understand the desperation.

And for the first time, I understand Gideon’s pain, but the comprehension does little to quell the expanding distress in my chest.

Lorcan kneels in front of me, his hands coated in the blood of the man he fought. “Silas, if you’re going to do this, you need to do it now. Her heart is slowing.”

I know what I need to do, but I still find myself locking in place. The internalized fear I’ve had for so long keeps me from moving. I don't think six years of preparation and acceptance would have made this any easier for me to do. I still would have felt the same polarizing fear.

I haven’t prayed in a very long time. Not since I was baptized by the darkness and corrupted by the sins of this world, but looking down at Quincey’s pale face, I pray to whoever will listen.

Don’t let her end up like Cecily or Margret.

“What is he going to do?” Lucy questions but she sounds so far away.

“He’s going to change her,” Lor answers her, but his eyes remain locked on me. “But he needs to do it now if we have any hope of it working.Silas!” he snaps my name with more urgency, his bloodied hand shaking my shoulder. “You have to get your blood down her throat while she can still swallow it. If you don't get enough in her, it won't work.”

I stay where I am, staring at the woman who somehow found a way to warm the coldest places of my soul. She effortlessly became my heart when I was resigned to the fact I’d never have one again.

“Why isn’t he doing it?” Lucy’s voice raises as the panic takes her over. “If he won't do it, you can, Lorcan. Do not let her die.”

“I can't, darling. It has to be him.” Lorcan releases my shoulder so he can grab my face in a hold I’d never allow, but now I can’t be bothered to pull him away. “You once made me promise to kill you if Quincey died. I told you then I would do it, but now I really don’t want to. Please don’t make me fucking do it. I don’t want to kill my friend.”

I knew the damage I’d cause if Quincey died would be catastrophic and someone strong would need to put me down. That’s the promise he made to me that night in the parking garage. I thought he was detached enough to do what needs to be done without any qualms.

In my arms, a low wheezing breath escapes Quincey.

Do it now!A voice inside my brain roars at me.

“Okay,” I murmur aloud, mostly to myself as I push the fear down. “Okay, my love. I’ve got you. I’m going to fix this.”

Lifting my arm, I pull the sleeve of my suit jacket up so I can expose the veins underneath. Never have I shared my blood with anyone else, but I will give her every drop if it means Quincey stays here with me.

My canines lengthen when I bring my wrist to my mouth. I bite down hard, tearing through my flesh and opening my veins for her.If there’s discomfort, I can’t feel it.

Holding my arm over her mouth, I allow the blood to drip through her parted lips. I relax some, thinking that she’s going to ingest it without any complications, but on her next pained exhale, she chokes. Blood sprays from her mouth as she weakly coughs.

“Fuck,” I harshly curse.

“We have to help her.” Lucy scrambles closer, crawling through Quincey’s blood. “Lorcan, hold her face and keep her mouth open.”

Lorcan does as he’s ordered, but there’s skepticism in his eyes. For the sake of my fading control, I must hang on to whatever sliver of hope remains that this will work. The second I lose that sliver, there will be no recovering from it.

Holding my wrist above her lips, blood steadily pours into her mouth. Lucy runs her fingers down the column of Quincey’s throat, coaxing her body to swallow every crucial drop.

“Keep going,” I order them both through gritted teeth. “Come on, Quincey, you have to keep your heart beating for me.” As long as it continues to beat, it will push my blood through her system. The vampire blood cells will take over her human ones and trigger the change. But only if there’s enough vampire blood in her veins. “I know you’re tired and want to rest, but you can’t yet. Stay with me a little while longer, my love.”

We keep forcing the blood down her throat, even when her breathing becomes infrequent and so shallow, her chest barely moves.

Lucy’s cries are drowned out as I focus only on Quincey’s slowing heartbeat. I commit the sound of each beat to memory so I will never forget it once it’s forever silent.

Though I highly doubt I will ever forget a single thing about her. My memories of her are engraved so deeply in me, I will wear them like scars.

“I love you, Quincey.” I don’t know how this will end for us, but I know that I need her to hear those words once more while she’s here. If she leaves me, I will follow her into the afterlife so I can tell her again and again.

Her heart stutters a few more beats, and with one last ragged exhale, it goes as still as mine.

The silence that follows is deafening.

---