Page 70 of Primal

Not really.

Because none of it—not the herbs, not the luxury sex toys—could ever replace what their bodies were built to crave. What they needed.

An alpha.

They happen every other month, and Seren’s gone through three since Ivey was born. I remember how wrecked she’d been each time. How helpless I felt watching her suffer through it, trying not to break under the pressure of hormones and instincts she couldn’t satisfy.

And she’s healthy and I’m…just about half dead.

Maybe if I forgo the natural remedies and go for the big guns…What if I just sedate myself?—

Zora tsks from her seat across the small table.

“I see where that mind of yours is wandering to, Noa Alderwood, and I’m going to tell you right now, it’s a shit plan. Going through this…super heatis going to wreck your system as it is. But if you try to outrun it or suppress it? That’s not just reckless, it’s a death sentence. Your body’s already hanging onby a thread. You try to force it through a storm like that without proper help, it’ll give out completely. At least, with an alpha’s…assistancethrough it, you might be able to bear it.”

“And where am I supposed to find an alpha to help me, Zora?” I question. It’s a battle to force the words to sound sarcastic and not as fearful as I actually feel about this revelation. “Should I go through your pack and find an alpha who’s willing to lend his time and knot to me for a couple days? A week?”

It’s her equally blandare you seriously asking me this right now?face that has my hackles rising and head shaking vehemently before she has the nerve to actually suggest it aloud.

“You’re joking,” I all but shriek, my tenuous grasp on my composure slipping. “You’re not seriously suggesting?—”

“I am,” she interjects. “He’s your mate, Noa, and fractured bond or not, he’s the only person that will be able to tether you—act as a lifeline of sorts—thought this. Youneedhim. Your heat will, naturally, trigger his rut, though, which will no doubt lead to him claiming you. Which would be ideal since you also require his bite?—”

“No.” My refusal comes out strong, unwavering.

“No?”

I shake my head, firm, needing her to hear it. “Rennick made his choice, for his pack, for his omegas. That alliance with McNamara, as fucked as it is, is the path he’s resigned himself to. Taking Talis as his…mate,” the word is a choked noise, scraping over all my raw wounds on its way out, “is the price for their protection. Even if he were to…want me, he can’t just make me his mate now instead of her. He didn’t sacrifice everything to walk away from it, and I didn’t claw my way through this week, fighting for every breath in my lungs and enduring every heartbeat that hurt like hell, just to let him feel…” I pause,grasping for the right word. “Obligated. Like he has to choose me now just because I’m…” I can’t finish.

Can’t make myself say it. Not out loud.

Zora shakes her head. “You’re not going to tell him? You’re going to what, let yourself besacrificed?”

“I was already sacrificed, Zora,” I murmur. “I’m just finishing the job.”

“You’re making a mistake, Noa. Rennick wouldn’t want— If he knew, he wouldn’t allow this.”

I let out that same broken laugh from earlier, hollow and hopeless, because maybe she’s right. Maybe if he knew, he’d try to stop it. Try to fix it. The regret was all over his face earlier, carved into every tense muscle and shining in his somber gaze. Like he’s been shouldering the wreckage of us ever since the moment he tore it all apart. But Rennick made his choice. He chose his omegas. He found a way to protect them. I won’t be the reason he throws that away just to swoop in and save me. Not when I’m the one thing he already decided he could live without.

“What did we say about making rash choices? That the regret comes after the dust settles?” I ask, my voice a thick rasp. “Well, if you’re right, I won’t be here to see that happen.”

I guess I should be thankful I was too scared to even entertain him when he asked if there was a way to fix what he broke—to fixus. That kind of question, the kind that dangles possibility in front of your nose, it only leads to one thing: hope. And there’s nothing more dangerous than hope when you’ve already almost completely lost yourself, when you’ve already dragged your broken body through the wreckage of your bond. This way—by choosing to let it die, to not give him a chance to save it—I don’t have to fear more heartbreak. There’s a kind of peace in knowing I won’t have to survive another rejection. I can just…let go. Of him. Of all of it.

Chapter 26

Rennick

This room feels wrong.

After my little rampage earlier this week, all the splintered furniture and shattered décor have been cleared out. I don’t know who handled it—and I haven’t asked—but I’m grateful for the silent help, because I haven’t exactly been in a state to deal with redecorating. Everything is gone now, except for the cracked bookcase in the corner, its shelves stripped bare of books and knickknacks. A new chair and desk were brought in to replace the ones I obliterated. I’m sitting in the leather rolling chair now while Rhosyn is perched on the edge of the large metal desk, kicking her feet in that deceptively casual way that doesn’t match the weight of the conversation we’re circling around.

A conversation I’m not as invested in as I should be since my mind is still locked on her.

Our little trio had locked ourselves in here about an hour ago, right after Noa returned from wherever she’d disappeared to. She didn’t stay long—just enough time to say goodbye to Rhosyn and Canaan, and to collect Siggy.

That part hadn’t gone over well. Yrsa had been under the impression her daughter was staying. I’d silently hoped, maybefoolishly, that Siggy would want to come back. That she’d feel safe enough here. That this place, these people who love her, might be enough to pull her home. But fear doesn’t let go so easily. Her trauma still clings to her, its claws sunk too deep for her to feel safe here yet.

Another failure I’ll carry with me until I fix it too.

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