Page 20 of Uniquely in Love

“But you want more.”

I nodded. “Maybe that’s always been the problem. I’ve always wanted more than I could have. But he’s not mine, Penelope.” And he hadn’t been in a long time.

“What happened?” She was quiet as I rested my head on her shoulder, cuddling against her. “You never told me, you know. Why you broke up with my brother?”

I shook my head. “I can’t—” I wasn’t ready to talk about it.Would I ever be?I didn’t know.

“I’m calling in backup,” Penny said, squeezing my hand.

Letting out a breath, I wrapped my arms around my middle. “I don’t want to see anyone. I feel pathetic. How weak am I?” One kiss, and I was a puddle at his feet. One night, and I wanted everything I’d given up all those years ago.

“Loving someone doesn’t make you weak, Ellie. It makes you strong.”

I shook my head. It didn’t feel like that. She left the room, and I forced myself to stop crying.

Sniffling, I got up, dragging myself to the shower. Part of me mourned losing his scent that still clung to my skin, but the other part of me knew I couldn’t move on while I could still smell him. He’d always smelled clean and fresh, with an undercurrent of pine and snow, like the mountains. And then there was something uniquely him, that delicious musk of man that couldn’t be replicated no matter how hard they tried with candles or cologne.

My giant t-shirt came off, and I let the water run over my body, washing the places where he’d embraced me with his mouth. Hating that it meant I lost that last connection with him.

The last time we’d been together, it had been nothing like that. Our first time had been awkward and fumbling and yet, I wouldn’t have traded it for anything. Because I’d loved him, and we’d shared that moment together.

But now… a sour taste filled my mouth, thinking about how many women he’d probably been with. How many girls would have thrown themselves at him simply because he was a hockey player in the NHL? That he could have taken a girl up to his hotel room in every city across the country.

You gave him up,I reminded myself. I took a deep breath and then washed my hair, rubbing at my scalp. Like I could wash all of it away.

When I finally dried off thirty minutes later, pulling on a pair of cozy sweats and walking out of my bedroom, I found my mom standing in my living room; her eyes a little too perceptive. Like she knew how long I’d been nursing this broken heart. Like she knew, somehow, that I was broken all over again.

“Mom,” I started, falling into her open arms.

“What’s wrong, sweet girl?” She ran her hand over the back of my wet hair.

I closed my eyes, inhaling her scent, trying to steady myself. “He’sgone.”

My mom and I had always been close. Maybe that was why I felt so comfortable falling apart in her arms. She rubbed my back, and even though it felt like I had no tears left to cry, I just let her embrace warm me from the inside out. Penelope had disappeared into her room, probably sensing I needed a moment alone with my mother.

When I finally pulled away, she ran her thumbs across my cheekbone. “Feel better?”

“No,” I mumbled, wishing something as simple as a hug could make all my problems go away. “Did I ruin everything, Mom?”

She sighed, guiding me to the couch and then sitting down next to me. “Only you can decide that, honey. What do you want?” That was the problem. I didn’t know what I wanted. Except… maybe I did, and that was the problem. Maybe I’d just stuffed it away for so long. And what could I do? “You’re miserable.”

“I mean, I wouldn’t say miserable…” I mumbled, looking down at my bare feet. Before graduation, I’d painted my toenails a bright, sunshine yellow color.

“You’ve always been the sweetest, brightest, bubbliest of my kids, Eleanor Daisy. Growing up, you were always smiling. And you smiled with him more than anyone else.”

“Mom.” I shook my head. “I can’t?—”

She guided my chin up till my eyes met hers. “Ellie. You can do whatever you put your mind to. You’ve always been able to. It was the same with skating, you know. You were so determined, and nothing could keep you down. Until you came back and the accident?—”

Part of me couldn’t think too deeply about how closely those incidents were related. How losing Owen had felt like I was losing my love for the ice. And after I’d fallen, after my injury, I’d never been able to get back on the ice again.

I bit my lip. “I don’t know, Mom. How can I? It’s been five years. And I… I broke his heart.”

For whatever reason, she’d never pressed me to find out what had happened. Why we’d broken up. He hadn’t cheated on me or hurt me, despite what everyone seemed to think. No, the problem was how he’d always put me first, even when it hurt himself. His career prospects. His relationship with his teammates.

“He was pretty clear about the fact that it was just one night,” I whispered. “Especially when I woke up alone. Even if I wanted more, he doesn’t.”

“You still love him?” she asked, though I suspected she’d known the answer to that for a long time.

---