Page 99 of Do You Ship It

Oh.

Oh.

‘But – but you – you …’ I blink; the rain is making my mascara run, and my eyelashes are sticking together a bit.

And a few more things slot into place. Jake never showing much interest in dating anybody, not being obsessed with snogging a girl he liked at a party the way some of the other guys we were friends with did. I just thought hegenerallywasn’t bothered, or – or was being mature, or something.How could you?he’d said at the party.You don’t even like him.

But Jake did. Jake liked Max.

‘You never told me,’ I say, because it’s all I can say. ‘I thought I was your best friend, I – did I …’Did I do something, to make you think you couldn’t tell me?But that’s not fair, I can’t make this about me. This isn’t like Chloe revealing to Daphne that she’s secretly a semi-successful Twitch streamer and Pokémon afficionado.

‘I didn’t know,’ he says. He shrugs one shoulder, then sways a bit awkwardly, and holds a hand over his eyes to shield them from the drizzle. It’s getting heavier. ‘I mean, you know, I thought … I thought everyone else looked at people – at guys – and were like, “He looks really good” or “That’s kind of hot”. I didn’t think itmeantanything. But then I got to know Max, we started hanging out a lot, and … I just wantedto see him all the time. I thought about him all the time. And you’ve had me watch enough romcoms over the years that I just realized one day,shit, I’ve got a crush on my best friend.’

‘That’s why you were so upset at the party, why you didn’t want to talk to me, after. That’s … But – even before that, you weren’t talking to me. You only saw me –’ To watch OWAR. When it involved hanging out with Max.

WasIthe third-wheel? Or was Jake, in Max’s eyes?

I shake my head. ‘Jake, I wish you’d justtalkedto me. We could’ve avoided this – this whole …’ I wave my hand around in a vague, all-encompassing gesture, and a smile quirks the corner of his mouth up on one side.

It drops away again when he says, ‘I couldn’t, though. Because then it would’ve … beenA Thing.I’d have been, you know,coming out, and you’re my best friend, so that would’ve felt … I don’t know, final? Like a rubber stamp on it, or something? And I didn’t even know for surewhatI was coming out as. Bi? Pan? Gay? I didn’t … want to choose the wrong thing, and then it not feel right.’ He takes a deep, shuddering breath, dragging one hand through his hair and gesturing agitatedly with the other. ‘It just felt likepressureto tell you – or any of the guys from football or college, oreven Thomas and Ginny. I actually ended up talking to Anissa about it all. She’s been a really great sounding board and it just felt sort of low stakes, because we didn’t know each other all that well in the first place – and … And all I’ve wanted to do was talk to you, Cer, but I didn’t know how.’

He looks so lost, sotired, right then, that I fling myself at him, giving him the big, warm cwtch he usually doles out so freely. He grabs me back, tight, and I hear him sniffle.

‘Oh, Jake. Yougumball.’

‘You … what?’

I laugh, making a mental note to tell Evie how annoyingly catchy that word is. ‘Long story,’ I say. ‘Are we friends again, though?’

His face is squashed next to mine. ‘Yeah. Best friends, Cer. Until the end.’

‘Until the end,’ I repeat, and it mends some of the cracks in my heart.

CHAPTER 33

Jake and I hang outside for a little while longer, taking refuge from the rain underneath an awning. We talk about how this whole realization had left Jake feeling confused and overwhelmed the last few months, and I joke that he should’ve watchedHeartstopperwith me, he might relate to Nick Nelson a bit. But mostly we catch up on things we’ve missed in each other’s lives – things I thought we’d talked about on Discord, but apparently not.

We stand shoulder-to-shoulder looking out at the rain, talking about anything and everything, and it feels like I’ve finally got my best friend back.

He has a great laugh at my expense about the revelation that I had a crush on him, but I can’t stay too mad at him. It feels …distant, somehow, now. I attached so many of my feelings to my chats with@runicrascal that the screen name makes it unnervingly easy to separate those feelings fromJake.

Although that may also be helped by the mind-blowing kiss I shared with Max …

‘So wait, wait,’ Jake says, gasping for breath, hugging a stitch in his side, undeterred by the way I’m currently glowering at him. ‘You got into OWAR and the conventions and stuffjustto impress me?’

‘So we could spend time together!’

‘So I’dfall for you.’

‘I swear to God, Jake –’

He snorts, but tips his head back against the brick wall behind us and sighs. ‘So … you and Max, then?’

‘I … I don’t know.’ I squirm, twisting to face him better. ‘I don’t want to get in the way of –’

‘Of what –mymassive unrequited crush on my mate?’ He raises his eyebrows, and his smile is self-deprecating. ‘I don’t think Max is even a blip on the Kinsey scale. And if he is, I’m not his type.’

‘The what scale?’

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