Page 86 of Must Love Dogs… and Hockey

If only the team could be like this all the time. We get along great. We have lots of talented players and some big chemistry. But the tension Coach creates with his temper and abuse isn’t bringing out the best in us. It pisses me off. I hate feeling so helpless to fix something that’s making me crazy.

Lilly

Carlin and I are Christmas shopping at the Columbus Circle Holiday Market, bundled up against the chill, although it’s not a bad day for December. I’ve picked out gifts for Grammy and Mom, Adriana and Maya. Maya’s Muslim and doesn’t celebrate Christmas, but the four of us have always exchanged gifts at Christmas. Next week I’m going to pop back to pick up the silver bracelet that Carlin was admiring at one of the stalls.

We stop for something to eat, piling our shopping bags beneath the table as we devour tacos. It’s getting late in the afternoon and with the overcast sky, the little white lights strung with the garlands of greenery twinkle in the low light. It’s so festive and pretty it makes me sigh with pleasure. Also, I love buying gifts for people, and this year I can buy things without the stress of feeling totally broke. I’m making small payments on my debts, so I am guilt free and enjoying picking out just the right things.

“I want to get something for Easton,” I tell Carlin. “But I haven’t come across the right thing. What do you get a guy who can go out and buy an Aston Martin?”

She makes a face. “Yikes. Right?”

I sigh. “I can’t spend much money. But I’ll keep looking.”

“So does this mean you two are serious?”

I pause. “I don’t know. We shouldn’t be. We both agreed we didn’t want a relationship. And yet…”

“It’s a relationship.”

“It feels like it,” I agree softly.

That night he told me about the bus crash changed things for me. I felt so devastated for him, for what he’d been through, and I realized how much I’m starting to care about him. Which is, a lot.

“Are you happy?”

“So happy.” It’s true. He makes me so happy. Annoyed and frustrated too at times, but I love being with him more than any other person I’ve ever known, and I want him to be happy too. “I didn’t want this. I didn’t need this. What if he’s like every other man in my life and disappears?”

Carlin nibbles her lip. “He hasn’t disappeared yet.”

“Actually, he has,” I joke. “He’s away all week on a road trip.”

“Is that a problem for you? That’s part of his life, right?”

“It is. And no, it’s not a problem. I’m joking. He hasn’t called, though. Or texted much, even.”

“He’s probably busy.”

I nod. “I’m sure he is.” I’m afraid to say out loud that I’m afraid he’s bailing on us just when I’m starting to catch serious feelings for him. “I miss him, but I’m fine. I’m busy and I’m fine.”

“So if he did disappear, you’d be okay.”

I suck briefly on my bottom lip. “Yeah.”

“You don’t sound very sure of that.”

I drop my head forward briefly. “I know. To be honest, the thought of him disappearing scares the hell out of me. And that…that’s the problem. I don’t want to have feelings for him. But it’s so hard not to.”

Carlin’s eyes soften and warm. “You’re falling in love with him.”

“Oh God.” I press my hands to my cheeks. “I am. I didn’t want to fall in love. But I am.”

“Maybe he is too. He seems to like being around you.”

“I’m his dog walker.”

“Lilly.” She tilts her head and gives me a reproving glance. “You know that’s not what it is.”

I roll my eyes. “I know.” I straighten my shoulders. “Everything is fine. You told me to take it slow, and I kind of started rolling down a hill out of control, but I can put the brakes on. Let’s go shop more.”

---