Page 97 of Must Love Dogs… and Hockey

“No.” I pause. I don’t know if I can even talk about it. I feel like the lowest scum. Lower than snake pussy. The things she accused me of…being afraid. A coward. I don’t want to be those things.

I fucking hate it that she sees me that way.

But why do I even care? I’ve never given a shit what anyone thinks of me. Other than the scouts before the draft, and the teams that interviewed me. And my coaches. And…

And Lilly.

“It was…well.” I stop. “She thinks I should do something about how Coach is treating me.”

She also thinks we had something fantastic. And goddammit, she was right. I’ve never had anything like that, with anyone. Just her.

As I say the out loud part, I question it. Was she telling me to do something for myself? Or for the team? Am I more worried about my own career than what’s happening with the team? And what if I am? What’s wrong with that? It’s not up to me to save the world. I’m the last person who should be expected to do that. Haven’t I been through enough? Why does it have to be me?

What kind of teamwork is that? Iaman asshole.

They both regard me seriously. “We’ve got your back,” Cookie says quietly.

“I saw it too,” JBo reminds me. “And heard.” He winces.

“I don’t know. Fuck.” I rub my face.

“We get it,” JBo says. “It’s bullshit, but we get it.”

“Thanks.” I give him a mirthless smile. “Lilly didn’t get it. I better go.” I stand. “Catch you guys later.”

In my apartment, I’m greeted by a tail-wagging, slobbering pooch.

“I’ve still gotyou, Otis.” I bend to rub him all over. “Thank fuck. You wanna go for a walk? Huh?”

Otis spins a couple of excited circles and I grab his leash and hook him up.

I have to carry him into the elevator, but he’s not even shaking. He’s almost over his trauma. Christ, that was a crazy night, him nearly getting strangled in the elevator and that crazy woman, who I’ve been calling Jane Doe in my mind.

As if thinking about it conjures her up, I come face-to-face with her when the elevator doors open onto the lobby. She stares at me, then looks down at Otis. “Oh my God! I found you.”

My mouth drops open. The man standing next to her says, “Percy!” and bends to Otis.

Percy? What?

The man straightens. “This is my dog.”

Lilly

I’m sitting on my bed, hugging a furry pillow, listening to The Weeknd sing “Call Out My Name.”

I left Easton’s apartment and ran all the way home in the freezing rain. I was falling apart, and I needed to do it in my own place. Carlin’s at work and I don’t have to walk any dogs until two o’clock when I pick up Apollo and Rusty.

I cried myself sick, washed my face, straightened my shoulders, then cried some more.

I’m annoyed with myself for being this upset, lecturing myself. Yes, out loud. “Jesus and three fishes, you knew you shouldn’t fall for him. You knew you shouldn’t fall foranyman.” I close my eyes and shake my head. “Men will just let you down. Every time.”

You still have me.

But apparently that’s not enough for him.

I knew I was supposed to be living my best life on my own. I don’t need my dad to bail me out. I don’t need a boyfriend. I don’t need a fucking boss. I can be my own boss and start my own business, and I have girlfriends who I love and who love me. And I have dogs. Maybe not my own, but the next best thing. Dogs, who love unconditionally.

I fell for Easton anyway. I fell like dismal rain, pouring from the sky. Like shadows that fall at night. Like tears.

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