Page 82 of You Had Me at Hockey

“When are you going to see him again?”

“Shit. This week is busy. Maybe this weekend? I have to call the hospital and make sure it’s okay.”

“I’m sure it will be. It sounds like he was happy to see you.”

Josh smiles. “Yeah.”

“And that wasn’t even planned.” I know I’m prodding at a sore spot.

His smile turns wry. “Yeah, yeah. I get it.”

I lean over and kiss him, letting my tongue lick over his bottom lip. He tastes like chocolate.

When we draw apart, he stares into my eyes and says, “I was never serious about Cora.”

Whoa. I blink. “Where did that come from?”

“I don’t know. I just wanted to tell you. I wasn’t hiding anything from you. We were done. I’ve gone out with lots of girls…but I’ve never really had a girlfriend. As an adult, anyway.”

“You had a teenage girlfriend?”

“Yeah. When I lived in Swift Current. Stacey. She was related to the family I billeted with; that’s how we met. We were together about a year.”

“Did you break up because of the accident?”

“Sort of. After I got moved to the hospital in Winnipeg, she came once with her parents to see me. But we were only seventeen, and she obviously couldn’t stay in Winnipeg, and she lived eight hundred kilometers away, and she was pretty freaked out by all my injuries, so…Anyway, it just ended.” He holds my gaze. “How about you?”

“Well, you already know I was never serious enough about anyone to have sex. Even though girlfriends kept telling me it was okay to have sex with anyone I wanted…I just never wanted to. I had one boyfriend in high school. Then a guy I met here in New York.” I pause. “Like you said, I’ve gone out with lots of guys, but it never turned into anything more. I blurt out weird things, say the quiet part out loud…that kind of makes people nervous.” I make a face. “I’ve also always been honest about my mental health and my depression, and there are still a lot of people who can’t handle that. There’s still a stigma.”

“You seem fine right now.” He searches my face with his eyes.

“Right now, yes. I’m on medication and it’s really worked well for me. It also helps to have something I’m passionate about. But I always felt like guys aren’t interested in someone as screwed up as me.”

After a pause that lasts a couple of heartbeats, he says, “Well,I’minterested in you.”

I almost can’t breathe as my heart wobbles. “Th-thank you,” I breathe. “Oh my God. What a stupid thing to say.” I slap my forehead.

He laughs softly.

“I’m interested in you too,” I tell him.

But I’m also afraid. I’ve shown Josh parts of my real self. But he doesn’t know me when I’m depressed. He doesn’t know how afraid I am of going there again. And he doesn’t know how afraid I am that I could really, really care about him and when he can’t handle my weirdness I’ll sink back into that pit of apathy and inertia.

—

I have lots of time for work this week, with Josh traveling. We text and talk, though.

Funny thing is, spending my whole day posting on social media, eating lunch, daydreaming about what to do next, and then editing video for the rest of the day now seems like…not enough. I know I spend too much time working and haven’t had much of a life lately, but it’s what I love. Only…doing things with Josh has made my life fuller. And I miss him when he’s not here.

I talk to my parents on the phone. They’re always eager to hear what I’m up to. But I don’t mention Josh to them. It feels too new.

I watch Josh play on TV when I can, although I promised Connor I’d go out with them Friday night.

And I have my meeting with Harper. She again brings up the idea of making my videos more polished, doing more sophisticated things. After talking to Josh about it, I feel confident telling her that I’ll be making my decisions about video and podcast content based on what I want to do, and some fan input. I’m not going to change what I do to attract a different demographic; I can only be myself. I feel her annoyance, but then I tell her about meeting Layla Young and how she wants to do a video with me, and Harper’scrazyabout that idea. And I’m still open to the idea of partnering with one of the clothing brands, so we agree that we’ll schedule meetings with them in L.A. the second week in March, and she’s going to set up a meeting with the New York company next week.

I spend more time than usual editing the skating video because I keep stopping to watch it. Well, to watch Josh. I have a weird sense of my heart tumbling from my chest down to my toes as I watch him smile at me, the gentle way he touches me, his easy expertise on skates. He’s like a superhero…using his exceptional powers to accomplish good.

I giggle a little at that. Teaching me how to skate isn’t much of an accomplishment. But still…watching this is giving me all kinds of feels.

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