Page 101 of In It to Win It

“Well, that’s good.”

“It’s hard not to question everything I knew, though.”

“I’m sure. Why don’t we have dinner one night next week? You can tell me more and talk it all out.”

“That would be great.”

“You want to invite Everly? Or just the two of us? Would it be weird, with JP being her nephew?”

I think about that. I like Everly. She’s very sensible and smart. “No, let’s invite her too.”

“Okay, I’ll do a group text and we’ll set something up.” After a beat she says, “Be careful, Tay.”

I know what she means. “I’m fine.”

20

TAYLOR

Christmas is rapidly approaching.

JP and I have been spending a lot of time together, but we won’t be having Christmas together. My mom and Shirley are going to spend the holiday with Shirley’s family—her mother and brothers and their families—so Dad invited me to go with him to San Diego to visit Amy and Jeff. We’re going to drive down Christmas Eve and come back the day after Christmas. I’m excited to see my sister, and super excited to see my two little nieces.

But this makes me think that if I’m not going to see my mom at Christmas, I should at least talk to her. We’ve texted a bunch of times, but I haven’t seen her since Thanksgiving. JP’s brought it up a few times, and it’s true that she and I need to talk things out. So I text her and ask if I can come over and bring her a Christmas gift.

Her reply comes immediately.

I would love that. I have a gift for you too.

Her quick and heartfelt response chokes me up a bit.

So Saturday afternoon, I’m going to her place. JP is away on the last road trip of the year before the Christmas break. I wish he were here so he could come with me, but this is something I have to do myself. It’s my family, and my issues that I have to deal with.

Mom greets me with a huge, emotional hug. I can tell she’s nearly crying. She holds me tight for a long moment, and I hug her back. She’s my mom and I’ve missed her. I love her.

Taking my jacket, Mom says, “Shirley’s gone out shopping.”

I nod, appreciative of her effort to give Mom and me time alone. We settle into comfy chairs near a cute Christmas tree, with mugs of hot chocolate and a plate of cookies on the coffee table.

“I’m so glad you’re here,” Mom says. “I’ve missed you. I hate thinking that you hate me.”

“I don’t hate you.” I look down at my mug. “Why didn’t you ever say anything about . . . this?”

She pauses. “It’s not that easy. First of all, I was happily married. You’re my daughters. There was no reason to tell you. Also . . . I’ve had bad experiences telling people I’m bisexual. I’ve only ever had one relationship with a woman before Shirley, back when I was in college. My friends were weird about it. They made me feel like I was just experimenting and dismissed it. At eighteen years old,Ieven wondered if that’s what it was. After that, I only had relationships with men. But whenever I’d tell a man I was seeing that I was bisexual, or that I’d had a relationship with a woman, they turned it into something . . . sleazy. So I stopped telling people.”

“Did Dad know?”

“Yes. That was part of the reason I loved him so much—he accepted that part of me, and listened to me when I explained it. With him, I felt like I could be honest. He never felt threatened by it.” She meets my eyes and holds my gaze steadily. She knows I’ve worried about how Dad feels through all this. “I want you to know that I was absolutely, one hundred percent in love with your father.”

I nod. “That’s good.” My throat thickens and I swallow. “Is Shirley . . . bi?”

“No.” Mom shakes her head. “She’s gay.”

“Doessheunderstand your bisexuality?”

Mom hesitates, and I look up sharply to study her face.

“We’ve had a few conversations about it,” Mom says carefully. “She worries that because I was in a heterosexual relationship for so long, and I have children, that I’ll want to be with a man again. I’ve tried to reassure her it’s not like that. Just because I’ve been in relationships with men doesn’t make me any less bisexual. It’s who I am.”

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