Page 115 of Summer Reading

“But what?” I asked.

“He’s delegating all of his projects and packing up his desk,” she said.

“What?” I cried. “Did he quit?”

“I don’t know,” she said. “We haven’t been told anything official but it sure looks that way.”

“I’ll be right there,” I said. I ended the call anddashed inside the house to grab the box of band memorabilia. Dad had finished sorting and copied whatever he wanted. He’d said I was welcome to give the rest to Ben. I grabbed the car keys from the counter and headed out the door.

Tyler was at camp and Dad and Stephanie were off on a bike ride. There was no one to tell where I was going, so I sent a voice text to my dad, letting him know I had the car.

The drive to the library was short and I’d done it so many times this summer, I thought I could probably do it blindfolded. I parked in the lot and immediately regretted that I hadn’t taken the time to do my hair or put on makeup, but I didn’t know how long Ben would be here, and it felt imperative that he have these mementos of his dad.

I hefted the box in my arms and strode up the walkway. Em was waiting by the door.

“His office is in a nonpublic area,” she said. “I’ll escort you back there.”

“Thanks,” I said. My voice was tight. I hadn’t seen him since we’d fallen asleep together a few nights ago. I had no idea how he’d react to seeing me.

Em paused by a partially closed office door, and she rapped on the frame three times.

“Come in,” Ben called.

“Good luck,” Em said. She gave my arm a squeeze and I sucked in a steadying breath.

I pushed the door open with the box, feeling the nervous flutters in my belly gain in size and strength until I thought I might achieve lift off. Sadly, I didn’t.

“Hey,” I said. “Doing some cleaning?”

The first thing I noticed was how exhausted he looked. His eyes were sunken and his chin sported thicker stubble than usual. His clothes were wrinkled and his hair was disheveled, as if he’d run his fingers through it repeatedly.

“Samantha,” he said. His eyes went wide. He looked surprised to see me. So it was not a “drop everything and embrace me” moment. Instead, he stayed behind his desk, keeping his distance. “I was going to call you.”

“Were you?” I asked. The piercing pain in my chest was a surprise and I realized it was because I didn’t believe him.

He hung his head. “I’m sorry. I’m just not in a good place right now. I figured it was better if I just...”

I waited. He didn’t finish his sentence. I dropped the box of tapes and photos onto his desk. I could feel my temper heating up.

“Just what? Left?” I asked. “Were you even planning to say goodbye? Where are you even going?”

My voice was rising with each word, and I turned around and kicked the door shut so that no one would hear us.

“I don’t know, Samwise,” he said. His voice wassoft, and the nickname that always made me smile now felt like a gut punch, because I didn’t feel wise. I felt like an idiot.

“Don’t call me that,” I snapped.

“Listen,” he said. His voice was tight. “I can’t do this right now.” He gestured between us. “I’ve got too much stuff to figure out.”

He was pushing me away, cutting me out. It shouldn’t have hurt so much. We hadn’t been together that long, but I’d thought the two days we spent together processing his father’s death had meant something. Clearly, I was wrong.

“This is for you,” I said. I pushed the box across the desk. He opened his mouth to protest. Seriously?

“Before you say something stupid,” I began, but then paused to take a calming breath. His eyes went wide at the harshness of my tone. Whatever. “These are things my father found in the attic that are from his days in the band the Procrastinators with your dad. He said you could keep them and if you want help identifying your dad’s voice on the tapes, he’s happy to assist. I know it’s not like finding your father, but at least you’ll be able to hear his voice and his laugh and get to know him a little bit.”

Ben stared at the box and then he looked up at me with gratitude in his eyes. “Samantha, I don’t know how—”

“Don’t thank me,” I said. “Thank my dad.” Because it actually fucking hurt to even look at him, I turned and headed for the door. Over my shoulder, I said, “I find it pretty ironic that you’re shutting me out the same way your mother has always shut you out. I thought you wanted more than that.” I shook my head. “I hope you find whatever it is you’re looking for, Ben.”

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