Page 13 of I Can't Even

“I remember the night you left.” Em’s voice was soft and sad. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen Mom so angry.”

“Yeah, well,” I said. “That makes two of us but it was a long time ago.”

“Sounds like it’s still pretty fresh for Liam,” Soph said. I frowned at her and she shrugged. “He showed up at my house the next day, looking for you. He was wrecked. Judging by his reaction to seeing you now, I’m guessing he’s still not over it.”

“You never told me he came to see you,” I said.

She gave me a tender look; the sort a mother gives a child. “No, you were hurting so much and Liam was a mess. I couldn’t bear to make it worse for either of you and I figured if you were going to work things out, you’d contact each other and not through me as a carrier pigeon.”

I flashed back to the intense pain of those first few weeks after I’d run away. The hurt, the longing, the desperate sadness, all of it. There were times I had been so sure I would actually die of a broken heart.

My feelings must have shown on my face because both Em and Soph reached for me at the same time, wrapping their arms around me and holding me tight as if they could buffer the storm that was raging inside of me.

A single silent tear dripped down my cheek as I clung to them. It hit me then how much I missed them, my sisters, how much I missed the girl I used to be, feisty and fiery, and how much I missed the boy I had run away from, the love of my life.

“It’s all right, Jules,” Soph whispered against my hair. “We’re here. We’ve got you.”

It was so reminiscent of what she used to say to me when I was little and in trouble with Babs for one reason or another that it made my throat tighten. I pushed past the knot and said, “Thanks.”

My sisters released me just as we heard a moan come from the other room. Babs. I glanced at the clock. The doctor had put her on a schedule for her pain meds. She was due for another dose now.

“I’ve got it,” Soph said. “It’s Friday, so Harry and Hannah don’t need to be up for school tomorrow. I can take the night watch and then go to Harry’s soccer game since Stan can’t make it. You two go get some sleep.”

I was too wrung out from memory overload to argue.

“Come on,” Em said. “I’ll walk you up and make sure no man junk jumps out at you.”

I barked a laugh and wrapped my arm around her shoulders. “I appreciate that, Em. But what would you do with it if it did?”

She turned a hot shade of red when I gave her side-eye and Soph laughed.

“I hate being the little sister,” Em said. “I’m always the butt of the joke.”

“Don’t say that.” Soph’s expression turned serious as she smoothed Em’s hair back from her face. “You’re the best of us. Never forget that.”

Em shook her head as if shaking off the praise. The three of us left the kitchen and walked into the great room. I paused beside Babs to kiss her while she dozed, just a gentle peck on her perfectly coifed hair before heading upstairs. Since yesterday, Babs resisted leaving her favorite divan to sleep in her bedroom on the first floor, and we all agreed that it wasn’t worth the fight to make her move. If the divan was the hill she chose to plant her flag on, who were we to deny it?

Babs blinked at Em with a wan smile, but as soon as Soph gave her the pain meds, she eased back to sleep. Soph settled into the reclining chair beside her.

“Come get me if you need me,” I said.

Soph waved me away and Em and I continued to our rooms. When we reached my door, Em strode inside and looked across the yard at Liam’s window. The light wasn’t on. She stared for a moment as if she expected him to appear. He did not. Satisfied, she lowered the shade.

“You know, we could switch rooms if you want.” Em’s lit up as if she really liked the idea. “That’d teach him.”

“Yeah, but it might scar you for life,” I said. She frowned. “It’s okay, Em. I think he made his point, as it were, and I doubt I’ll be seeing any more of him.”

“Oh.” She considered this with a frown. “That’s for the best, right?”

“Yeah.” I made it sound as if I meant it. I totally didn’t. I was the lyingest liar of all pants-on-fire liars.

“Okay, then, sleep well,” she said.

After our last awkward hug, we hadn’t attempted another embrace and Em didn’t now, sending a nod before she disappeared out of my room. I was left alone, staring at the drawn shade, and wondering what it said about me that I was going to open it and hope I saw Liam again. It didn’t require much thought; I knew what it said about me. I was pitiful, straight up pitiful.

I took the day watch with Babs, so that Soph could attend her son’s soccer game. Much like the prior shifts, I worked, Babs napped, and we watched the fashion channel. She looked smaller than she had the day before, and I couldn’t shake the feeling that we were watching her shrink into nothing. The realization made my chest ache. Now that I knew she hadn’t asked for me and didn’t care if I was there or not, I supposed I should have cared less. I didn’t.

No one said the C word aloud, as if it would get worse if we mentioned it, but the disease that must not be named was clearly killing Mom. Dr. Patel, when pressed, would not confirm or deny that it was cancer but he did tell Sophie, when she had a complete meltdown on him, that there was no treatment that could help Babs’s condition at this stage. The most we could do was keep her comfortable and say whatever we had to say to her now before it was too late.

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