Page 16 of I Can't Even

Babs closed her eyes and exhaled. She appeared drained as if she didn’t have enough strength left to breathe. I figured since we had a rocky history at best there really wasn’t anything left for her to say to me. It hurt, much like all of my interactions with her, but perhaps that was just who we were.

“I’m sorry,” Babs said. She opened her eyes and I noticed that the pale blue of her irises seemed to have faded over the past few days. She looked at each of us in turn, even me. “So sorry.”

“There’s no need, Mom,” Em said. “It’s no trouble taking care of you.”

“No, trouble at all,” Sophie said.

“No, not that,” Babs said. Her gaze locked on me, and a tear spilled down her cheek. “I wanted more time to make it right.”

My throat grew tight and my hand shook as I moved forward and wiped the tear off her face. Her skin was soft to the touch and delicate, almost papery thin.

“It’s all right,” My voice was thick with all of the conversations I knew we were never going to have. “I know you did your best.”

“I wish I could have loved you...” Her words trailed off.

There. She’d finally said it. After all these years, my mother had finally admitted that she had never been able to love me. It really wasn’t news. I could feel my sisters staring at me, but I kept my gaze on Babs. I supposed she was getting it off her chest before she died. It shouldn’t have hurt as much as it did, but, oh, it cut deep, and the scars were going to be ugly.

“It’s okay,” I lied. I didn’t mean it. It wasn’t okay. In fact, it hurt so bad I thought I might die but what was I supposed to say when this was likely the last conversation we’d ever have?

“I’m sorry,” she gasped. Another tear splashed down her weathered cheek. “I wish I had been more for you.”

The tears I’d been fighting streamed down my face. Sophie took one of my hands and Em the other. They both squeezed my fingers with theirs, letting me know that they were with me. I wasn’t alone Well, at least Babs had apologized. This was it then, the moment Babs and I made peace. I was surprised at the gratitude that filled me for this chance to let the past go, to let her go. Maybe I could finally stop feeling so hurt all the time.

“It’s all right, Mom,” I said.

She looked at me with gratitude before her thin lids fluttered closed.

“I love you, Mom,” Em whispered. Her voice was choked with sobs.

Babs opened her eyes. It appeared to take quite an effort.

“I love you, too, Mom,” Soph said.

“And I love you.” Babs’s voice was a rough rasp. “I’m so proud of my girls. I have the best girls in the world. Promise me, you’ll take care of each other.”

“We will,” Soph said, speaking for all of us.

Babs smiled at us then. It was a sweet smile, unlike any I’d ever seen from her before, and then she slipped into an exhausted slumber. We didn’t move but sat with her for another hour just watching her, wondering if this was the last of our moments with her.

It wasn’t.

A few hours later, Babs stirred. She blinked awake, and Em sat up straight from where she’d been slouched.

“Mom, are you all right?” Em said. “Are you in pain? Can I get you anything?”

Babs blinked at us. A deep wrinkle formed on her brow as she scanned each of our faces, not in the adoring way of a loving mother, but in the irritated way a person in line at the DMV glares at everyone between them and the service counter.

“What am I still doing here?” she snapped. “I said what I had to say. I’m ready to go.”

She looked exceedingly put out and I wondered if she really expected us to answer her question. The snort that came out of me was matched by a snicker from Sophie and a surprised chuckle from Em. Good old Babs, even at the end, she wanted what she wanted when she wanted it.

Chapter Six

After several days of not eating, Babs suddenly needed chocolate ice cream in the middle of the night. Soph made the store run while Em and I propped Babs up. And so it was we had a mini ice cream social in the living room at one o’clock in the morning. Babs only managed two small mouthfuls but the smile on her face when she swallowed was the happiest I had seen her since I arrived.

Soph, Em, and I camped out in chairs around her divan. At some point, we all drifted off to sleep. I wasn’t sure what woke me, but I think it was the absence of sound rather than a sudden noise. The rasping wheeze of Babs’s breathing that I’d been listening to for days suddenly wasn’t there. Instinct had me up and moving to her side.

We kept one light on beside her lounge chair, and it was by this light that I examined her. I took her hand in mine, it was still warm but I couldn’t see if her chest was rising and falling. I put my hand over her heart. She was so thin now I was distracted by the feel of hard bone just beneath the papery skin. I couldn’t tell if her heart was beating or not, but I didn’t want her to go without knowing it was okay.

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