Page 28 of I Can't Even

I slid out of the hug and let my big sis take over. Through her tears, Em sobbed the same story to Soph that she had to me. Soph glanced at me over Em’s head and I shrugged. I’d had no idea that Em was so reliant upon our mother for everything and judging by the look on Soph’s face, she hadn’t either.

“I’m sorry, Em.” Soph’s voice was soft, a mom’s voice, as if she was talking to one of the twins when they were younger and had just skinned a knee. “I understand how lost you must feel, but you’re going to be all right. It’s just going to take some time for you to adjust to doing things on your own, but I know you can do it. You can find the new normal. Hey, maybe you’ll discover you even like being in charge of your life.”

Em’s back went rigid. She looked at Soph and then at me as if we had completely let her down. I realized she thought we should step in and take over where Babs had left off. She wanted us to tell her what to do, what to wear, how to style her hair, all of it. Well, I didn’t even own a comb, so that was never going to happen.

“You don’t understand!” she cried. “You’re both so self-involved. You have no idea what I’m going through. None. You just don’t get it!”

Em strode out of the room. Soph and I looked at each other. When the front door slammed, we both jumped.

“On the scale of dramatic exits, that was a solid seven,” I said.

“Well, she did live with Mom the longest; stands to reason she would have picked up that trait.” Soph walked over to the closet and sighed. “This is too much. How are we going to deal with all of this stuff?”

“A match?” I offered.

She laughed.

“We can’t do anything without Em,” I said. “If that existential crisis is any indicator, she’ll flip out.”

“Agreed,” Soph said. “Should we go after her?”

“No,” I said. “Let’s give her a little more time.”

Soph nodded. We left Babs’s room, and I felt my shoulders drop a bit in relief. Maybe I hadn’t been as ready to start sorting as I thought.

“How are the twins holding up?” I asked.

“They loved their grandmother, but they’re also sixteen,” Soph said. “Since they’re taking off to do a glam summer of service abroad, their sadness is tempered by the adventure that awaits.”

I remembered how Liam had been the center of my teenage world; every thought and emotion was filtered through my relationship with him. I glanced through the living room window over at his house. There was no sign of him, per usual.

“And how about Stan?” I asked. “I barely got a chance to speak to him at Babs’s service. Is he doing all right? The doctoring business is good?”

“Yeah, it’s good,” Soph said. “Really good.”

Her smile didn’t reach her eyes, and I remembered how tense Soph had been in conversation with Stan. She took her role as older sister very seriously and I knew she wouldn’t share personal information readily.

“Is everything between you two okay?”

“Yes, Jules.” Soph sounded exasperated, or maybe defensive, either way my radar was flashing that the bridge was out on this convo and I should shush. Naturally, I disregarded it.

“It’s just that things seemed off between you,” I persisted. I wanted her to know that I was here for her as well as Em.

Soph met my gaze and tossed her mom bob. “Stan is Stan. Have you read Dad’s letter yet?”

“Maybe,” I said.

“Uh huh,” she said. Stalemate.

Neither of us were ready to talk, fine. Except, I wanted to push. “Stan is Stan.” What the hell was that supposed to mean? I didn’t like Stan and never had. I gave him a pass mostly because he helped to spawn the twins, who were becoming two of my most favorite people in the world, but otherwise, yeah, he was a pretentious jerk with his three-hundred-dollar bottles of wine, golf weekends with his doctor buddies, and his need to buy himself a new luxury car every year. We had nothing in common except our mutual affection for Sophie and the kids.

“Listen, if we’re not sorting today, I have a million things to do for the PTO. Call me if you talk to Em first and let me know how she’s doing and I’ll do the same.”

“Roger that,” I said. Soph gave me a quick squeeze and then she was gone.

I took a deep breath and absorbed the silence around me. It was lovely. I hadn’t been alone, truly alone, since I’d arrived and I found that I missed it. I enjoyed rummaging around in my own head. In New York, I worked at home and spent days with just me, myself, and I, my cats and no one else, and I really, really liked it.

I made a mental note to ask Jessie to text me a picture of my kids. Maybe I could do a quick round trip to New York to pick them up. I really didn’t think I could go three months without them.

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